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A Brief History of Zombies
There isn't really a history of zombies because they probably don't exist as far as we know yet. And I don't really know why you need to know a history of zombies anyways. If something is chasing you and trying to eat your brain, I can't imagine how having a history would be helpful. What would be more helpful is to know how to not get your brain eaten.
There are a lot of theories on how zombies could come about. I think they all have to do with some sort of ebola death virus or mutated mad cow disease or government manufactured biological warfare gone rogue. It spreads like wildfire. It inevitably eats away at a person's brain until they develop a bad case of flesh rot, a loss of motor skills, and a taste for human flesh.
Since we've never had any encounter with zombies before, we can only speculate as to the cause, but my money says it stems from some sort of biological weapon that the bonehead government accidentally lets loose into the oxygen or water supply of a backwater Kansas town. Pretty soon the mutated cannibalistic rednecks will have spread the zombie virus nationwide. In some movies, you become a zombie just from breathing bad air or drinking bad water or catching the virus from someone already infected because they sneezed on you. Sometimes, the zombie has to bite you to pass it on. The mode of transmission can only be speculated. Sometimes a person slowly gets sicker and sicker before they become a horrible zombie and sometimes they die first and then come back to "life". I'm sure you'll probably hear the exact details when the shit starts hitting the fan.
Shit You Should Start Stockpiling
Everyone already knows that you need to have food and water and first aid kits and stuff when there's an emergency. We've heard this a thousand times. More likely than not, you haven't started your stockpile yet and won't have done so before the pandemic begins. Do you have a food and water supply? I do- about three days worth consisting of whatever is in my refrigerator. Probably bad Chinese leftovers. This isn't enough. If and when it happens and you have no food and water, your best bet is to steal from/ break into and loot the places that have the things you want. Costco seems like it would be pretty good bet for having everything you need. Probably wouldn't be too tough to get in there. Plus they have those huge orange carts that you can stack lots of crap on, so you can just wheel those suckers down the aisles at breakneck speed and load them up. No truck to haul it? No problem. Just steal one. There is bound to be an abandoned truck or van in the road with a dead person at the wheel. Throw the bastard out and take the truck- he's not using it anymore. These things may sound easy to do, but nothing can be more difficult. There will be lots of people doing the same looting you're doing. You have to be willing to beat other people to death if necessary to get the last case of Hormel chili. Just remember- it's not personal, it's survival. They probably would have ended up as a zombie anyways, so you can't beat yourself up over it- but you can beat THEM up.
Really, though, food and water and first aid supplies are minor details. There are more important things to stockpile. Here is a small list of other helpful items:
- Guns
- Big guns
- Little guns
- Machine guns
- Ammo for your guns
- Bazooka
- Machete
- Axes
- Pick axes
- Hand grenades
- Flamethrower
- Night vision goggles
- Crossbow
- Arrows for your crossbow
- Shovel
- Liquor
Anything else you decide might act as a weapon will be good as well. Like bricks or pogo sticks. The point is that you'll probably be too busy slaying zombies to eat much, so your huge food supply won't come in near as handy as your weapon supply. Anyways, you'll need to stay in shape to outrun the zombies, so it's best not to eat too much. The fatter you are, the easier you are to catch. In addition, you never know when you'll be driven from your house by zombies and have to leave behind your food supply anyways. If you spent a ton of time stockpiling a bunch of food that you then had to abandon, you'll just be sad about leaving it and you will already have enough things to be sad about. Like the zombies eating all the people you used to go to the bars with. The smartest thing to do is actually to steal a large van and keep your supplies in there. That way you can run at a moment's notice.
Where to Go
Ken Johnson's house. But you can't go there. It's already going to be full because I'm going there. Why am I going to Ken's house? Because Ken has lots of weapons. And he gets up at 4 am on Black Friday to load up on high quality ammo at low, low prices. Which, as you remember, are on the list of essentials. You'll have to find your own house o'weapons. Maybe you could join the gun club to meet new friends.
The best thing you could do is come up with an emergency plan with your family. The CDC shows a nice picture of a family at their "meeting place" by the mailbox. This is bullshit because if you meet up by the mailbox, you'll die. You can hole up in someone's house o'weapons for awhile, but inevitably the zombie population will be so thick, they'll sniff you out. Once you've convened there, you'll need to gather together a bunch of camping crap and head for the freaking hills. You might want to consider breaking into Bish's RV and stealing yourself a brand new RV. Then you can store your supplies in it and flee the zombies in your tenement on wheels. We're lucky to be in Idaho because we're loaded with freaking hills. You should find out where the nearest hills are to where you live. If there's anything you need that you don't have in your garage or basement, you'll have to send two of the smartest, toughest family members on a kamikaze raid mission to your nearest stores to loot for it. But beware- don't leave the weaker family members by themselves, even if you give them a gun. Zombies will eat them because they'll probably forget to turn the gun safety off.
Who Can Help You
The CDC tells you to identify emergency contacts so you can get in touch with the proper authorities. This is grade A baloney. The authorities are probably zombiefied. Just get it in your head that once the nation falls to zombie attack, there are no laws and there is no law enforcement. No one can help you. You're on your own and you can't trust anyone. The CDC also says they'll be conducting investigations and running tests and initiating quarantines to contain the disease. But everyone knows that some moron (most likely some roided out muscle head who is strong enough to break through the barricade and stupid enough to ignore all reason) will escape and run rampant spreading his zombie cooties left and right.
Things to Remember:
-Zombies probably travel in herds like sheep. This is because they're stupid. Like sheep.
-Shoot first, ask questions later.
- Trust no one.
-Don't let anyone else into your hideout. If someone bangs on your door begging for shelter or protection and please please please let them in and they promise they're not sick.......Shoot them. Let them in and you'll all be one big happy zombie family.
-If you catch someone trying to steal your stash o'guns or food supply......shoot them. Those are your supplies and you cannot show mercy.
-If a family member or friend gets bitten, they're not your family member or friend anymore. Shoot them. It will be sad, but not as sad as EVERYONE becoming zombies.
-Steer clear of stealing someone's old Winnebago. Those are always breaking down in zombie movies, so that must be what would really happen. If you break down, the zombies can come right in the door and eat you because there's no back door to escape from. Find something brand new instead.
-Keep in mind that it's not personal. Its zombie survival. So what if you killed someone over a case of powdered milk?
-It might occur to you to start repopulating the earth at some point. Be wary of doing this because you don't know if the unborn baby is susceptible to the zombie disease. I'm not saying don't do it, I'm just saying maybe be ready with a gun when the thing pops out so you can shoot it if it's a brand new baby zombie.
Zombie Body Disposal Protocol
You can't just shoot a zombie and walk away. In order to properly and effectively slay a zombie, you must first shoot it in the head. Then you must stab it in the heart. Then you must behead it. Then you must burn the carcass. If you're afraid to burn it because you might attract other zombies, then punt the head really really far from the body. If you don't, it will pick up its head and bring it back to eat you.
One Last Word of Caution
Since it's only a matter of time before I reach three million followerss, a lot of people will be following my zombie survival advice. This means that most of the country will be shooting first and asking questions later like I told them to. So, just to be really safe, get as far away as you can from all people anywhere ever. And DON'T ask anyone for help because they'll shoot you. Only steal from stores and dead people or you'll get shot. You're gonna have to just help yourself. So just remember- don't be a weenie about it.
