Actual Conversations: Toe Edition

Cody and I have been watching our food intake lately, so we've been pretty vigilant about our fat and booze consumption.  We're trying to limit ourselves to one serving of healthy fat per day.  Yesterday after dinner, Cody told me his toe felt like painy-sick-deathfulness.  The fat intake and the toe are unrelated, I just have no way to transition smoothly between the two topics.  He shows me his toe and I deduce that he has an ingrown toenail.  I knew what to do with it, having endured dozens of ingrown toenails during my years as a dancer.  I went upstairs and got my nail kit and I remedied the offending toe the same way I have done dozens of times before with my own toes.  I assured him it would take a few days, but that it would heal up and stop hurting soon.  This morning at work we had the following instant message conversation regarding the toe situation:

Cody says:
 My toe is killing me today
 Can hardly walk on it

Rae says:

 Is it?  I'm sorry!  It'll heal.

Cody says:
 I woke up at 3am... it was killing me.

Rae says:

 Well, go to a podiatrist

Cody says:
 There's no way I can effectively work out with it hurting like this...

Rae says:

 Does it feel hot?

 Like, to the touch?

Cody says:
 I dunno... I haven't touched it.
 Why?

Rae says:

Well, if it feels hot to the touch, it might be infected or something.  You could have an infection in your toe bone.  It happens sometimes.......

Cody says:
Seriously?

Rae says:

It might just be that it needs a couple days to heal, babe. 

I mean, ingrown toenails really suck

Cody says:
 Yeah... walking today hurt like a mother......
 This morning for breakfast I had a teaspoon of olive oil.

Rae says:

 ?

Cody says:
 And some coffee from Moxie... but they put too much sugar and cream in it.

Rae says:

 I'm sorry.....go back to the olive oil?

Cody says:
 What about it?

Rae says:

 Why would you eat a spoonful of olive oil?

Cody says:
 That's a good way to get your metabolism going....

Rae says:

 Says who??  That is icky, babe.  How did you even manage to choke it down?

Cody says:
 I read about this guy that wanted to lose weight... and he used olive oil as a way to stop fat cravings and it worked really well.
 Not that I'm craving fats or anything.

Rae says:

Where did you read that?

Cody says:
 I can't remember

Rae says:

 Hmm.....well, ok.  Whatever twirls your beanie.

Cody says:
 So, that was my fat for the day.

Rae says:

 I can't believe you wasted your fat for the day on a spoonful of olive oil.  That's sad.

 But if it works it works, I guess..........

Cody says:
 Anyway, yeah...

Rae says:

WebMD says that you should keep your toenails at a moderate length- like, even with the end of your toe- to prevent ingrown toenails

Cody says:
 As opposed to cutting them too short?

Rae says:

 Yes.  If you cut them too short, they can get ingrown

Cody says:
 Hmmm... well OK
 Maybe that's what I did

Rae says:

Who knows......just trying to help.

Cody says:
But now that one edge of my toenail is REALLY short...

Rae says:

But it's short in width, not length

Right?

Cody writes:

Rae says:

 LMFAO!!!!!

 Did you just draw that just now?

Cody says:
 Yeah

Rae says:

ROFLOL!!!!!!

Cody says:
 That's my toenail

Rae says:

 I know what it is.

Cody says:
So I hope that one edge doesn't start digging into my toe again...
Cuz it's cut waaaay back

Rae says:

It probably will.  You'll probably have to have it amputated

Cody says:
Well at least then I could exercise

Rae says:

 Without your big toe?

 You severely underestimate how important your big toe is for balance.

 You should probably go to a podiatrist so he can saw off that half of your nail bed.

Cody says:
 Seriously?

Rae says:

Well, if people have chronic ingrown toenails, sometimes they remove a portion of the nail bed to prevent it from growing there anymore.

Cody says:
Well I don't think mine is chronic quite yet....

Rae says:

But given that your toe isn't oozing or bleeding, I think you'll probably get over it

Is it oozing?

Cody says:
No, no

Rae says:

Is your toe bulbous?

Cody says:
Well... yeah... but it always is.

Rae says:

No, I mean is it MORE bulbous than usual?  Like this-

Cody says:
 LOL!
 No, if it looked like that I'd probably be at the doctor right now.

Rae says:

So it's probably not infected. 

It's just your garden variety ingrown toenail.

Cody says:
It feels OK as long as I don't put weight on it.

Rae says:

Cowboy up- it'll heal.

Cody Says:
Yeah......

Rae says:

OMG!

I totally know what's wrong.  I know what it is.

Cody says:
 ?

Rae says:

You have vaginitis in your toe.

[Cody has signed out of messenger]