Men do not understand Valentine's day. I do not understand it either, but I am a girl so I know how these things work. As such, I have carefully laid out some instructions for how to execute Valentine's Day plans in a manner that will appease your girlfriend/wife. I'm just trying to make your life easier here, guys.
If you haven't already planned something, you obviously didn't know that by now, you should already have arranged for the greatest night of your girlfriend's/wife's life. You had better get busy because you know how uncomfortable the sofa bed is.
Things Men Should Know About Valentine's Day
Before we get to the instructions, there is some important background information to cover. There are two reasons we celebrate Valentine's Day. Neither of them have anything to do with pudgy, naked, winged children or any historical patron saint named St. Valentine who saved the world from destruction with overpriced greeting cards.
The first reason we celebrate Valentine's Day is because this is the only day that it is socially acceptable to show affection to one another. Tomorrow, you can go back to not noticing her haircut and not complimenting her new Talbot's capri-pants and she will go back to nagging you about the broken faucet and reminding you about that time you got her the wrong tampons at the store. But for today, you must appear to be madly in love and you must demonstrate this to her and everyone else. If you don't, that means you don't love your significant other and your relationship is total crap.
Another reason we celebrate Valentine's Day is so that women can show off to her friends and co-workers that her husband/boyfriend loves her more than theirs love them. Your job is to have enough extravagant gifts sent to her office so that her co-workers are monstrously jealous of her because their gifts are unimpressive by comparison. If any co-workers didn't receive gifts at all, she will act sympathetic, but she will be doing cartwheels on the inside because this means she will not die alone. Imagine, if you will, male peacocks in the wild. Whichever of them has the biggest, brightest display of feathers is the winner. Except if you really loved your female, you would yank out your feathers and have them made into an expensive boa for her instead of showing them off to the other guys. If you do not do this, she will still go back to nagging you tomorrow like always, but it will be with a renewed intensity, for hell hath no fury like a woman with inferior Valentine's presents.
Just remember this: all the other significant others out there are trying to one-up you and if you don't make your plans the best ones, she will see all of her friends' significant others doing better things than you did. You don't want this. If this happens, she will use this fact as ammunition in any future arguments by pointing out that so-and-so's husband/boyfriend bought so-and-so a chinchilla ranch last Valentine's day and you can't even remember to pick up your dirty underpants off the floor.
Directions for a Successful Holiday
In order to pull off a successful Valentine's Day extravaganza, you must carefully plan your her day according to the following model:
In addition to the expensive presents delivered to her office, there should be a scavenger hunt awaiting her when she gets off work. The first scavenger hunt clue should be written on a napkin from the cocktail bar where you had your first date and should be pinned to the front of an enormous stuffed bear holding another dozen roses that you have secretly placed in the seat of her car at some point while she was working. The scavenger hunt should lead her all over town to every place the two of you ever kissed. At the end of the scavenger hunt, she will arrive by horse-drawn carriage at a dimly lit restaurant where you will be waiting with a private table for two and candles. You should be looking dapper in a freshly pressed tuxedo. This is when you propose.
How long you have been dating is irrelevant. If it's been six weeks or even six days, a proposal will be spontaneous and uber romantic. It will most certainly work out because you were romantic and daring enough to propose even though she hasn't told you yet that she's allergic to birth control or has a twin sister who dances topless at Chubby's or plans on having at least eleven children someday. It is crazy and whimsical, so it must be love. If you've been together for six months, this is the ideal opportunity to propose because six months is more than enough time to know everything about someone and you shouldn't make her wait any longer to become Mrs. Whatsyourface. If it's been six years, a proposal is long overdue and if you DON'T propose, you are probably hiding your addiction to kiddie porn or cheating on her and definitely afraid of commitment, so she will have no choice but to dump you. Whatever the time frame, a proposal is a really great idea because it's Valentine's day.
It is important to remember when proposing on Valentine's Day that the ring is the most important aspect of the proposal. In addition to costing you at least two year's salary, the ring should be a custom-made replica of her great-great grandmother's engagement ring. You will be able to have it made to exact specifications because her mom gave you a photo of it when you went to her parent's house to ask their permission. They will, of course, grant you permission, but only after her mom cries and makes you look at her own wedding photos and her dad takes you out back to have a manly "heart-to-heart" while you drink whiskey and shoot guns together.
The only appropriate way to propose is to hide the custom made ring in her creme brulee. You should hide it in the dessert and not the appetizer because if you propose first thing, the rest of the dinner will seem like a let-down. You should let the anticipation build for the entire meal. In addition, you should have the inside of the ring engraved with a lovey catch phrase, like "You're my snugglebum" or "I'm shit without you". When she sees it, you should get down on one knee and ask her to make you the happiest man in the world because everyone knows that getting married is what will make you the happiest man in the world and NOT season tickets to the lingerie football league. Once she says yes, she will begin to cry and this will cue a trio of musicians who will play "Here Comes the Bride" on violins as you leave the restaurant and get into a stretch limo waiting out front. You'll tell her that you're going for "celebratory drinks".
The "celebratory drinks" should actually be a pre-arranged surprise engagement party with her entire family and all of her friends at the cocktail bar where you had your first date. This will make her friends jealous, which is a bonus for her because that's one of the points of Valentine's Day. At exactly 10:19, the lounge band should call for a toast and everyone will cheer while you dance to "your song" as heart-shaped confetti falls from a trap door in the ceiling, which you should have already paid the restaurant to install last week just for this special occasion.
The evening should end with a drive to a secluded place above the city where you made love for the first time in the backseat of his Taurus. Make sure to write "Just Engaged" on the rear window of the car. Your natural inclination here might be to initiate sex. This is wrong. You should instead ask to please cuddle on the hood of the car wrapped in a blanket because your relationship is about so much more than sex and you really value her as a person. Take some time to point out constellations in the sky. This will not only show her how intelligent and philosophical you are, but also give her a good view for when the plane flies by towing the glow-in-the-dark banner that says "I love you, Mrs. Whatsyourface."
The "celebratory drinks" should actually be a pre-arranged surprise engagement party with her entire family and all of her friends at the cocktail bar where you had your first date. This will make her friends jealous, which is a bonus for her because that's one of the points of Valentine's Day. At exactly 10:19, the lounge band should call for a toast and everyone will cheer while you dance to "your song" as heart-shaped confetti falls from a trap door in the ceiling, which you should have already paid the restaurant to install last week just for this special occasion.
The evening should end with a drive to a secluded place above the city where you made love for the first time in the backseat of his Taurus. Make sure to write "Just Engaged" on the rear window of the car. Your natural inclination here might be to initiate sex. This is wrong. You should instead ask to please cuddle on the hood of the car wrapped in a blanket because your relationship is about so much more than sex and you really value her as a person. Take some time to point out constellations in the sky. This will not only show her how intelligent and philosophical you are, but also give her a good view for when the plane flies by towing the glow-in-the-dark banner that says "I love you, Mrs. Whatsyourface."
After all of this is over, you should go home, where you have sprinkled no less than $200 worth of rose petals in a trail from the front door up to the bedroom. She will then remember that in the excitement of the evening, she forgot to give you her gift. She will present you with a handmade scrapbook containing little love notes and lyrics from "your song" and pictures of the two of you doing couply things together. She will point out that her gift wasn't as expensive as yours, but it took her at least 37 hours to make and it's even more valuable than your $42,000 date night because her ripest, most emotion-ey feelings went into it. You must act surprised and overjoyed when you receive it. The most successful way to do this is to pretend that she has just given you season tickets to the lingerie football league. She will then cry and remark that this whole day has been just like a movie with this stuff happening in it. You should probably go ahead and initiate sex now because if you don't the evening will be ruined when she realizes you didn't initiate sex and therefore must either be gay or think she's unattractive. Should she reach this conclusion, you will have ruined her life, so the $42,000 date will have been nullified. After you do have sex, you must then snuggle for no less than 3 hours.
If you are already married, the same procedures still apply, only you will be asking her to re-marry you instead of marry you. The same steps should be taken, only the new ring must be at least twice as nice as the first one and you should have a preacher on hand to renew your vows right there in front of everyone. You should probably have some pre-written vows on hand so you don't say the wrong thing. If you don't, its okay because she can probably provide you some from her own wallet that she had on hand just in case you ever re-proposed so you would know exactly what she wants you to say.
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