Hire Me

So, I'm sure its not a secret to any of you that my current job makes me want to gouge my eyeballs out with a rusty spoon.  If I could just make cakes for a living, I would not want to engage in eye-gouging.  This is where all of you come in.  You see, you should all begin to buy cakes from me.  Cakes for every occasion.  I can do mini cakes and cake bites and cake balls and cupcakes and big cakes.  There is always a reason to have a cake.  Your kid made honor roll?  CAKE!  You passed your emissions test? CAKE!  You paid off your Blockbuster late fees?  CAKE!  You can even have cake for sad occasions because eating cake always makes you feel better.  You got dumped?  Cake.  Your goldfish died?  Cake.  You have gout?  Cake.  Making cakes for people makes me feel like my insides are being tickled by rainbows.  And the BONUS is that I don't have to get fat because YOU'RE eating them instead of me.  My current diet and exercise program is prohibitive of eating cake, but it doesn't say anything about MAKING cakes for other people.  So buy some cakes from me.  If enough of you buy cakes from me,  I can give my current job the big eff you and make cakes all day, which is my dream.  So tell your friends.  Tell your neighbors.  Tell your mailman.  Tell them they need cakes.  I figure if you all buy a cake a week, I can quit my job on Monday and if you each tell three friends to buy a cake a week, I'll have my own Food Network show by mid-March.


In case you needed some extra persuasion, here is my complete cake portfolio for your perusing:

Know what would be great for breakfast all week next week?  Lucious red velvet cake with lemon mascarpone cream cheese frosting. 

How about a wedge of dense buttermilk chocolate with velvety swiss buttercream?  You want that........

Doesn't a hunk of moist vanilla cinnamon cake with whipped almond buttercream sound delicious right now? 

Thanks to my cleverly placed subliminal messages,  you might have an inexplicable yearning for cake now.  You should probably order cakes for your next two dozen events before I'm booked solid.  Get cracking, people- the cakes aren't going to order themselves.