How to Become a Cross Country Skier

Cross country skiing was invented thousands of years ago in South Dakota as a method of getting through 8 feet of snow to the outhouse to take a leak. Today, we have vehicles and indoor toilets, so it is no longer a practical mode of transportation. It gained popularity as a recreational sport in the mid 1960's when someone realized that riding a ski lift up the mountain and using gravity to get back down was definitely cheating. It is far more rewarding to plod precariously up one side of the hill with your skis on so that you may earn- and in fact, appreciate- the brief thrill of sliding down the other side.

There are a few important steps to take if you wish to become a cross country skier.


Step 1-Getting the Right Equipment
Equipment is very important. If you do not own or do not have access to good quality equipment, you will need to go to a rental shop instead. Keep in mind that rental shops do not like to rent out good equipment because they want to keep the magic of cross country skiing a secret in order to ensure the trails don't get too over-run with people. Cross country skis are typically long and thin, however most rental shops prefer to rent out an alternative model of cross country skis consisting of two short, wide planks of balsa wood with sandpaper glued to the bottom. They will also have cross country poles available. Make sure you get some. You will need them to help drag yourself across the snow when your rental skis inevitably fail to slide properly. It is also ideal to get some well-fitted boots, but it is not likely that your local rental shop will offer well-fitted boots. Instead, most rental shops offer several varieties of poorly made, shitty boots for your renting pleasure. The bonus of renting shitty boots instead of buying good ones is that the rentals are cheaper and come with free blisters.

 Here is what good equipment looks like:

 

Here is what rental equipment looks like:

Step 2-  Finding a Barney
When going cross country skiing, you should always have a Barney with you.  Barneys are natural-born cross country skiers and they can help you to learn good technique.  They also keep you motivated by shooting down the trail at breakneck speed, forcing you to either keep up with their grueling pace or get lost in the woods by yourself.  They can also distract you from your cardiac arrest by occasionally stopping to point out how beautiful the mountains are this time of year and offer you a drink of their plastic flavored water (this will be explained later on).

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*A Helpful Tip*

If you have ever downhill skied, it can work to your advantage when cross country skiing.  The basic principles of turning and slowing down apply to both types of skiing.  The benefit of cross country skis is that they are much lighter and more slippery than downhill skis, so when you crash, the force of your ski cracking your forehead as you roll down the mountain is much less damaging to your skull.

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Step 3- Proper Technique
When you first set out on your cross country skis, you need to understand proper form and technique.  Think of running, only with more sliding in it.  If you're doing it correctly, your feet will occasionally curl up into a ball inside your cross country boot.  As you get better, this will happen less frequently, or else you will be too tired to care.  Either way can be considered progress.  When you get to a downhill section of the trail, you must put your skis into a "snowplow" like this so that you don't plummet forward to your death:

When you reach an uphill section, you must "herringbone" by pointing the tip of your skis outward and waddling up the hill like a duck.  You must be mindful of your skis, taking care not to let them cross over each other behind you, as this will cause you to fall, twisting your leg in an unnatural fashion and rendering your knees useless.  If you get tired and need to stop to rest, remember to keep your skis pointed outward or else you will plummet backward to your death.  A proper herringbone stance should look like this:

Step 4- Levels of Difficulty
In cross country skiing, there are a few different levels of difficulty.  Just like downhill skiing, there are green circle trails for beginners, which are usually flat, perhaps with a few gentle slopes.  There are blue square trails, which are more intense than green circle trails but they will not kill you.  There are also black diamond trails.  These should not be compared to the black diamond trails you would experience when downhill skiing. They are not nearly as steep or terrifying.  You can, however, expect to encounter some rigorous ups.  These will be relatively difficult for new skiers, but quite simple if you are a mountain goat.

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*A Helpful Tip*

If, during a run on a black diamond cross country trail, you experience left-side numbness, shooting groin pain, dry heaving, or loss of bowel and bladder control, it is advisable to stop and rest as soon as you're able to drag yourself to the side of the trail.  Make sure you get out of the way quickly.  If you collapse without removing yourself from the trail, you could get run down by a pack of professional skate skiers.  You will not know this has happened until you regain consciousness with your face down in the icy powder.  The only thing you will remember is a blur of neon spandex and pain.

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Step 5- Staying Hydrated

It is very imperative that you drink plenty of water when you are cross country skiing.  Some skiers prefer to use a Camel Back.  If you are not familiar with this piece of equipment, it is a backpack with a compartment in the back just big enough to hold a rubber bladder that you can fill with water.  There is a hose attached to the bladder that runs out of the pack and up the shoulder strap so that you can drink the water at your convenience.  For anyone who does not enjoy the refreshing taste of melted rubber tire, there is also a storage pouch in which you can stow a bottle of filtered mineral water.  Even if you intend to engage in cross country skiing on a regular basis, there is no need to purchase your own Camel Back, as your Barney should come equipped with one and can haul your water bottle for you.  The key to staying hydrated is to stop every ten minutes for a drink, making your Barney hold your gloves and poles so that you can dig your water bottle out of his backpack.  Your Barney may offer to purchase you your very own Camel Back in a subtle attempt to convey his annoyance.  You should politely dismiss his offers, reminding him that is much more preferable for him to carry your water and perhaps a snack and extra gloves and your hat and the camera too.  If you do bring your camera, remember to stop and take some artsy photos of trees each time you have a water break.  

Step 6- Dressing in Layers

Anyone who has been downhill skiing knows that you must bundle up in the thickest, warmest clothing imaginable, as you could very well freeze to death as you ride the chair lift to the top of the mountain.  This is not a problem you will face when cross country skiing because there is no chair lift and you're exercising.  It is wisest to wear several thin layers instead.  Think of yourself as a Russian Nesting doll.  I recommend that your outer layer be a windbreaker or fleece and some insulated snow pants.  Underneath that, a long sleeved shirt or thermal underwear top with thick leggings or long johns.  Underneath that, a t-shirt and bike shorts.  Underneath that, a bikini or speedo.

Most people tend to start out with all their layers and arrive at the end of the trail in their underpants.  If you are keeping your body at a proper cross country skiing temperature, the heat radiating off of your sweaty hide should be melting the snow behind you as you ski.  This is helpful if a murderer who is also on cross country skis is chasing you, but useless if he is in tennis shoes or has a gun. This brings us to another useful function of your Barney- he will stuff your discarded layers into his Camel Back as you strip down.  This has the added benefit of increasing the weight of the pack and thereby keeping him in top physical condition for future ski trips.  It also gives him a "handicap" so that his performance level will decrease and he will be skiing closer to your amateur level.  If ever you're having a rough day and don't feel like you're "on your game", adding a few bricks to the Camel Back is helpful.  Barneys have a natural tendency to try to "crush" everyone around them at cross country skiing, so a few dozen extra pounds will help inhibit his ability to do so.

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By now, you should be familiar with the basic concepts of cross country skiing.  All you have left is to master the proper terminology.  To ease this process, I have provided a glossary of cross country ski terms for you to study.  

Apres ski ("ah-pray skee"):  This is a french term meaning "after ski"; it is used to refer to the ad-nauseam discussion of snow conditions, ski quality, and past and future ski trips that takes place over food and beers directly after completing a day of skiing; usually does not occur unless at least one Barney is present and can become quite lengthy with the addition of multiple pitchers of beer and/or hot wings.  

Breaking out:  This refers to when the skiing conditions are such that your skis do not glide worth a damn, instead sliding backward slightly with each movement of your feet;  breaking out can also be used as an excuse when you are beat all to hell and skiing like total crap.

Fish scales:  This is the name given to the layered scale-like materials that cover the two feet of ski directly under your boots; it is intended to prevent your skis from sliding backward when going uphill.  If your girlfriend is inexplicably keeping up with you, despite the fact that she is an amateur and you are a professional, you should both remove your skis so that you can compare the fish scales on each pair.  You should then point out that your girlfriend's fish scales are in much better shape because she has not used her skis nearly as often as you have.  Fish scales are a frequent apres ski topic.

Glide wax:  This is a soft, colored, waxy substance that is rubbed onto the bottom of your skis before embarking on a day of cross country skiing; it is intended to achieve maximum glide across the snow; however, should you find yourself performing at less than your best, you may blame the glide wax, informing everyone in your party that you would be skiing much more efficiently if the glide wax wasn't slowing you down.  On the other hand, if you have left the others in the dust, you should not credit the wax, but rather your superior skills, before suggesting to the others that perhaps they need some glide wax.

Off piste ("off-peest"):  This is a European term meaning "off trail"; it refers to skiing that is done away from marked and groomed trails; when skiing with a Barney, it is typically used in a tongue-in-cheek fashion as a way to scoff at ultra-cool Euro douches encountered along the trails. This can also be altered to "off-pissed" when referring to leaving the trail to take a whiz behind a tree, as in "I'm going 'off-pissed'."

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Last month, Cody and I took a trip to Sun Valley with his parents to ski at Galena Lodge.  The skiing there is incredible and, actually, considered one of the best ski areas in the western United States.  Here are some photos from our adventures.........