Saturday, October 22, 2011

Actual Conversations Regarding Pickles

So, Heather, AKA Richard, is over and we're watching some football and Cody decides to get everyone some homemade refrigerator pickles that I made.  We had just been talking about my favorite blogger, Jenny Lawson, and how she is gloriously nuts and how she has a husband who manages to put up with her glorious nuttiness and how that sounds like me and Cody and how Cody puts up with my not-so-glorious nuttiness.  Then, the following conversation happens:

Cody:  Babe, what is this stringy green stuff in the pickles?

Rae:  Stringy green stuff?

Cody:  Yeah.  In the pickles.  It's stringy and green.

Rae:  It's stringy?

Cody:  Yeah.  Stringy and green.  What is it?

Rae:  It's IN the pickles?

Cody:  Yes.  IN the pickles.  It's stringy and green and its IN the pickles.

Rae:  I didn't put anything stringy and green in the pickles.

Cody:  Well, there is something stringy and green in the pickles.

Rae:  It's STRINGY?

Cody:  Yes. And green.

Rae:  GREEN?

Cody:  Stringy and green.

Rae:  What is it?

Cody:  I don't know.  That's why I asked you.

Rae:  I don't know what it is.  Did the skins come off the cucumbers?

Cody:  I don't think so.....

At this point I get up and go to the kitchen to see what the fuck is in my pickles.

Rae:  That's dill, you dill-hole.

Cody:  It's DILL?

Rae:  Yes.  It's fresh dill, you dill-holeActually, it's pickled fresh dill.  It used to be fresh.  Now its pickled. That's why they're DILL pickles.

Cody:  Oh.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

New Feature!!

I'm trying to get more followers so maybe I can blog for a living instead of getting a job (hint, hint).  My friend Heather, AKA Rick, knows people in many countries.  I wasn't so sure my humor would translate to other cultures since lots of people over here don't even get it.  But she said no, she's pretty sure I can be funny worldwide.  So I'm hoping my followers list will soon contain folks from Cambodia, Ireland, Australia or anywhere else.  In order for them to sort through the random, BS posts I often put up, I have added a "Best Of" link, which you will find to the right, just below the archives.  It contains what I feel are my best posts.  This way, I can hook people BEFORE they find out how much bizarro crap I post. Not that it's not ALL bizarro crap.....

Don't Judge Me

A Long, Painful Day in the Life of Adult ADHD

This morning I got up to feed the cats, but my house was freezing.  So, instead of feeding the cats, I got back in bed and watched hair and makeup tutorial videos on YouTube.  An hour later, I noticed a sizable weight on my midsection and looked up from my iPad to find all three cats were sitting on top of me because they still wanted food.  I got up and fed the cats and then I realized that Moe is out of cat arthritis pills.  I took the bottle upstairs with me to get my phone so I could order some more when I remembered that Cody is also out of pills.  I grabbed his empty pill bottle and sat down on the bed with my phone to order them.  This made me remember that I needed to take my own pills, so I put down the empty pill bottles and went into the bathroom to take mine before I forgot again.  Before I took them, I remembered that the glass on the bathroom counter had been sitting there for awhile and  last time I took my pills with it, it made the water taste funny.  I went downstairs to get a fresh glass. 

While I was down there, I realized that the reason the house was cold was because the heat was only set to 62 degrees so I turned it up and turned on the fireplace.  I also realized that there were dirty glasses laying all over, so I picked them all up and put them in the sink along with the clean glass I was going to take upstairs.  Halfway up the stairs, I remembered why I went downstairs in the first place and went back to get another clean glass.  Once I finally got back upstairs and took my pills, I went into the bedroom to order cat's pills and boyfriend's pills.  While I was on the phone with the automated pharmacy refill service, someone beeped me on the other line and I answered it because I didn't recognize the number.  It was the library's automated reminder service calling to tell me that my books were overdue.  I was on the phone with two computers at the same time and that is depressing.  When I clicked back over to the pharmacy, I didn't know what number to push, so I had to hang up and do it again. 

Pills finally ordered, I decided that I really wanted to go back to bed and that I had better make the bed or else the temptation would be too great.  While I was making the bed, I got a really intense craving for green bean casserole with French's crunchy onion topping.  I abandoned the bed-making to go downstairs and see if we had the ingredients for green bean casserole.  We did not.  While I was looking in the cupboard, I decided to have some breakfast and make some coffee.  Then I remembered that the only coffee we have tastes like Dimetapp and decided to write a grocery list because in addition to coffee, we also need green beans and cream of mushroom soup and French's crunchy onions. 

As I ate my raisin bran, I began to think of all the things I need to do.  I started to get anxiety because so far, my morning had been largely unproductive. I began to get that self-loathing feeling, so I finished my cereal and went upstairs to finish making the bed- a mere 45 minutes after I began.  Bed finally made, I figured it might be a good idea to take a shower, but then I remembered that I wanted to go tanning and also that my sister's dog needs a walk.  Since these are both sweaty activities, I decided to forgo the shower and go walk the dog instead.  A game of iPad solitaire, a load of laundry, and an episode of Mighty B! later, I left the house to go get the dog.  And I did go get him- except that halfway down my street, I noticed all the trash cans lining the sidewalk and remembered that it's trash day and I didn't put the trash out.  So I turned around and went back.

After I finally got the dog and got all the way down to the greenbelt and started to walk him, I realized that I didn't have the attention span for a walk but I would have felt guilty if I didn't go, so I decided to power walk the entire route and see how fast I could do it without actually running.  I was like an 85-year-old mall walker on speed.  I walked that path as fast as I usually jog it.  I had decided that while I power walked, I would make a plan for doing the rest of my errands.  By the time I got back to the car I was dragging the poor dog along, stripped down to my tank top, sweating buckets and panting.  I had also spent the entire walk thinking of ways to improve my blog instead of planning my errands.

After getting an iced tea and dropping the dog off, I felt pretty productive.  But then I did a mental tally and discovered I'd only actually done one thing I needed to.  I still had to drop off some clothes at the dry cleaner, pick up cat's pills and boyfriend's pills, return a movie and some library books, tan, go to the bank, make five phone calls, exchange my brother's ninja suit for a smaller size, and clean the cat boxes.  But before I could go out and do those things, I had to go home and get the dry cleaning, the movie, the library books, and my tanning goggles.  And I had to run back to my sister's to pick up the ninja suit that I left sitting on her counter.  And I was hungry......but to punish myself, I decided NO LUNCH FOR ME until I did my errands.  My stomach would just have to wait.

I really WAS about to leave the house to do my errands, but something reminded me that I was supposed to do something for Cody besides get his pills so I had to walk around the house until I remembered.  After all, he only asked me to do two things today and I still hadn't done either one yet.  Then I remembered that the other thing he asked me to do was order some prints of some pictures for his parents.  So I got online to do it but instead, I checked my email and my three favorite blogs.  Then I read an article on the BBC about how Colonel Gaddafi is dead.  Then I checked the weather report.  Then I ordered the pictures.

At that point, the self loathing became unbearable, so I actually went and exchanged the ninja suit, picked up cat's pills, went to the bank, tanned, picked up boyfriend's pills, dropped off the movie and the library books and the dry cleaning, and got another iced tea.  I forgot the coffee and the green bean casserole ingredients because I forgot the list at home.  I didn't pick up the photos yet either, but what am I, a freaking wizard?  When I got home, I ate some tomato soup and a grilled cheese.  By then, the self loathing had subsided.  But I still had to clean the cat boxes and make the phone calls.  Son of a...........

 I started to make the phone calls, but after about 45 minutes on the phone with social security, I lost my patience.  I did manage to hold out until someone answered, so I finally got the information I needed.  But I decided to do the other phone calls tomorrow.  Then I panicked because it was 4:30 and I still stank from power walking and tanning and I needed to clean the cat boxes and pick up the photos and I was having company over for dinner in less than two hours. 

I ran down to the Walgreens, got distracted by a buy one get one free cosmetics sale and left with new lip gloss and not the photos.  Luckily, I remembered to get them before I drove out of the parking lot.  By then, I was screwed because it was after 5:00 and I had less than one hour to shower and clean up the house and when  I got home, one of the cats had shit on the floor.

Now, I'm guessing that if you actually hung on and read that whole blog post,  you do NOT have ADHD.  Congratulations.  For me, I hope its temporary......

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

How to Survive a REAL Zombie Apocalypse

Recently, the Center for Disease Control came out with a Zombie Apocalypse Preparedness Guide.  I provided a link to it a few blog posts ago.  Go ahead......check it out.  Then forget it because it's total hooey.  If you wanna be the main course on the zombie buffet, go ahead and follow the CDC's advice. 

Since clearly the CDC just wants to use their "Zombie Guide" as a veiled lecture about preparedness for "real emergencies" like tornadoes and hurricanes, I took it upon myself to write a real Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide.
_____________________________________________________

A Brief History of Zombies

There isn't really a history of zombies because they probably don't exist as far as we know yet.  And I don't really know why you need to know a history of zombies anyways.  If something is chasing you and trying to eat your brain, I can't imagine how having a history would be helpful.  What would be more helpful is to know how to not get your brain eaten. 



There are a lot of theories on how zombies could come about. I think they all have to do with some sort of ebola death virus or mutated mad cow disease or government manufactured biological warfare gone rogue. It spreads like wildfire. It inevitably eats away at a person's brain until they develop a bad case of  flesh rot, a loss of motor skills,  and a taste for human flesh. 

Since we've never had any encounter with zombies before, we can only speculate as to the cause, but my money says it stems from some sort of biological weapon that the bonehead government accidentally lets loose into the oxygen or water supply of a backwater Kansas town.  Pretty soon the mutated cannibalistic rednecks will have spread the zombie virus nationwide.  In some movies, you become a zombie just from breathing bad air or drinking bad water or catching the virus from someone already infected because they sneezed on you.  Sometimes, the zombie has to bite you to pass it on.  The mode of transmission can only be speculated.  Sometimes a person slowly gets sicker and sicker before they become a horrible zombie and sometimes they die first and then come back to "life".  I'm sure you'll probably hear the exact details when the shit starts hitting the fan.

Shit You Should Start Stockpiling
Everyone already knows that you need to have food and water and first aid kits and stuff when there's an emergency.  We've heard this a thousand times.  More likely than not, you haven't started your stockpile yet and won't have done so before the pandemic begins.  Do you have a food and water supply?  I do- about three days worth consisting of whatever is in my refrigerator.  Probably bad Chinese leftovers.  This isn't enough.  If and when it happens and you have no food and water, your best bet is to steal from/ break into and loot the places that have the things you want.  Costco seems like it would be pretty good bet for having everything you need.  Probably wouldn't be too tough to get in there.  Plus they have those huge orange carts that you can stack lots of crap on, so you can just wheel those suckers down the aisles at breakneck speed and load them up.  No truck to haul it?  No problem.  Just steal one.  There is bound to be an abandoned truck or van in the road with a dead person at the wheel.  Throw the bastard out and take the truck- he's not using it anymore.  These things may sound easy to do, but nothing can be more difficult.  There will be lots of people doing the same looting you're doing.  You have to be willing to beat other people to death if necessary to get the last case of Hormel chili.  Just remember- it's not personal, it's survival.  They probably would have ended up as a zombie anyways, so you can't beat yourself up over it- but you can beat THEM up.


Really, though,  food and water and first aid supplies are minor details.  There are more important things to stockpile.  Here is a small list of other helpful items:
  • Guns
  • Big guns
  • Little guns
  • Machine guns
  • Ammo for your guns
  • Bazooka
  • Machete
  • Axes
  • Pick axes
  • Hand grenades
  • Flamethrower
  • Night vision goggles
  • Crossbow
  • Arrows for your crossbow
  • Shovel
  • Liquor

Anything else you decide might act as a weapon will be good as well.  Like bricks or pogo sticks.  The point is that you'll probably be too busy slaying zombies to eat much, so your huge food supply won't come in near as handy as your weapon supply.  Anyways, you'll need to stay in shape to outrun the zombies, so it's best not to eat too much.  The fatter you are, the easier you are to catch.  In addition, you never know when you'll be driven from your house by zombies and have to leave behind your food supply anyways.  If you spent a ton of time stockpiling a bunch of food that you then had to abandon, you'll just be sad about leaving it and you will already have enough things to be sad about.  Like the zombies eating all the people you used to go to the bars with. The smartest thing to do is actually to steal a large van and keep your supplies in there.  That way you can run at a moment's notice.

Where to Go
Ken Johnson's house.  But you can't go there.  It's already going to be full because I'm going there.  Why am I going to Ken's house?  Because Ken has lots of weapons.  And he gets up at 4 am on Black Friday to load up on high quality ammo at low, low prices.  Which, as you remember, are on the list of essentials.  You'll have to find your own house o'weapons.  Maybe you could join the gun club to meet new friends.


The best thing you could do is come up with an emergency plan with your family.  The CDC shows a nice picture of a family at their "meeting place" by the mailbox.  This is bullshit because if you meet up by the mailbox, you'll die.  You can hole up in someone's house o'weapons for awhile, but inevitably the zombie population will be so thick, they'll sniff you out.  Once you've convened there, you'll need to gather together a bunch of camping crap and head for the freaking hills.  You might want to consider breaking into Bish's RV and stealing yourself a brand new RV.  Then you can store your supplies in it and flee the zombies in your tenement on wheels.  We're lucky to be in Idaho because we're loaded with freaking hills.  You should find out where the nearest hills are to where you live.  If there's anything you need that you don't have in your garage or basement, you'll have to send two of the smartest, toughest family members on a kamikaze raid mission to your nearest stores to loot for it.  But beware- don't leave the weaker family members by themselves, even if you give them a gun.  Zombies will eat them because they'll probably forget to turn the gun safety off. 


Who Can Help You
The CDC tells you to identify emergency contacts so you can get in touch with the proper authorities.  This is grade A baloney.  The authorities are probably zombiefied.  Just get it in your head that once the nation falls to zombie attack, there are no laws and there is no law enforcement.  No one can help you.  You're on your own and you can't trust anyone.  The CDC also says they'll be conducting investigations and running tests and initiating quarantines to contain the disease.  But everyone knows that some moron (most likely some roided out muscle head who is strong enough to break through the barricade and stupid enough to ignore all reason) will escape and run rampant spreading his zombie cooties left and right.

Things to Remember:
-Zombies probably travel in herds like sheep.  This is because they're stupid.  Like sheep. 

-Shoot first, ask questions later.

- Trust no one. 

-Don't let anyone else into your hideout. If someone bangs on your door begging for shelter or protection and please please please let them in and they promise they're not sick.......Shoot them. Let them in and you'll all be one big happy zombie family.

-If you catch someone trying to steal your stash o'guns or food supply......shoot them. Those are your supplies and you cannot show mercy.

-If a family member or friend gets bitten, they're not your family member or friend anymore.  Shoot them.  It will be sad, but not as sad as EVERYONE becoming zombies.

-Steer clear of stealing someone's old Winnebago.  Those are always breaking down in zombie movies, so that must be what would really happen.  If you break down, the zombies can come right in the door and eat you because there's no back door to escape from.  Find something brand new instead.

-Keep in mind that it's not personal.  Its zombie survival.  So what if you killed someone over a case of powdered milk?

-It might occur to you to start repopulating the earth at some point.  Be wary of doing this because you don't know if the unborn baby is susceptible to the zombie disease.  I'm not saying don't do it, I'm just saying maybe be ready with a gun when the thing pops out so you can shoot it if it's a brand new baby zombie.



Zombie Body Disposal Protocol
You can't just shoot a zombie and walk away.  In order to properly and effectively slay a zombie, you must first shoot it in the head.  Then you must stab it in the heart.  Then you must behead it.  Then you must burn the carcass. If you're afraid to burn it because you might attract other zombies, then punt the head really really far from the body.   If you don't, it will pick up its head and bring it back to eat you. 


One Last Word of Caution
Since it's only a matter of time before I reach three million followerss, a lot of people will be following my zombie survival advice.  This means that most of the country will be shooting first and asking questions later like I told them to.  So, just to be really safe,  get as far away as you can from all people anywhere ever. And DON'T ask anyone for help because they'll shoot you.  Only steal from stores and dead people or you'll get shot.  You're gonna have to just help yourself. So just remember- don't be a weenie about it.