Actual Conversations Regarding Pickles

So, Heather, AKA Richard, is over and we're watching some football and Cody decides to get everyone some homemade refrigerator pickles that I made.  We had just been talking about my favorite blogger, Jenny Lawson, and how she is gloriously nuts and how she has a husband who manages to put up with her glorious nuttiness and how that sounds like me and Cody and how Cody puts up with my not-so-glorious nuttiness.  Then, the following conversation happens:

Cody:  Babe, what is this stringy green stuff in the pickles?

Rae:  Stringy green stuff?

Cody:  Yeah.  In the pickles.  It's stringy and green.

Rae:  It's stringy?

Cody:  Yeah.  Stringy and green.  What is it?

Rae:  It's IN the pickles?

Cody:  Yes.  IN the pickles.  It's stringy and green and its IN the pickles.

Rae:  I didn't put anything stringy and green in the pickles.

Cody:  Well, there is something stringy and green in the pickles.

Rae:  It's STRINGY?

Cody:  Yes. And green.

Rae:  GREEN?

Cody:  Stringy and green.

Rae:  What is it?

Cody:  I don't know.  That's why I asked you.

Rae:  I don't know what it is.  Did the skins come off the cucumbers?

Cody:  I don't think so.....

At this point I get up and go to the kitchen to see what the fuck is in my pickles.

Rae:  That's dill, you dill-hole.

Cody:  It's DILL?

Rae:  Yes.  It's fresh dill, you dill-hole.  Actually, it's pickled fresh dill.  It used to be fresh.  Now its pickled. That's why they're DILL pickles.

Cody:  Oh.

New Feature!!

I'm trying to get more followers so maybe I can blog for a living instead of getting a job (hint, hint).  My friend Heather, AKA Rick, knows people in many countries.  I wasn't so sure my humor would translate to other cultures since lots of people over here don't even get it.  But she said no, she's pretty sure I can be funny worldwide.  So I'm hoping my followers list will soon contain folks from Cambodia, Ireland, Australia or anywhere else.  In order for them to sort through the random, BS posts I often put up, I have added a "Best Of" link, which you will find to the right, just below the archives.  It contains what I feel are my best posts.  This way, I can hook people BEFORE they find out how much bizarro crap I post. Not that it's not ALL bizarro crap.....

Don't Judge Me

A Long, Painful Day in the Life of Adult ADHD

This morning I got up to feed the cats, but my house was freezing.  So, instead of feeding the cats, I got back in bed and watched hair and makeup tutorial videos on YouTube.  An hour later, I noticed a sizable weight on my midsection and looked up from my iPad to find all three cats were sitting on top of me because they still wanted food.  I got up and fed the cats and then I realized that Moe is out of cat arthritis pills.  I took the bottle upstairs with me to get my phone so I could order some more when I remembered that Cody is also out of pills.  I grabbed his empty pill bottle and sat down on the bed with my phone to order them.  This made me remember that I needed to take my own pills, so I put down the empty pill bottles and went into the bathroom to take mine before I forgot again.  Before I took them, I remembered that the glass on the bathroom counter had been sitting there for awhile and  last time I took my pills with it, it made the water taste funny.  I went downstairs to get a fresh glass. 

While I was down there, I realized that the reason the house was cold was because the heat was only set to 62 degrees so I turned it up and turned on the fireplace.  I also realized that there were dirty glasses laying all over, so I picked them all up and put them in the sink along with the clean glass I was going to take upstairs.  Halfway up the stairs, I remembered why I went downstairs in the first place and went back to get another clean glass.  Once I finally got back upstairs and took my pills, I went into the bedroom to order cat's pills and boyfriend's pills.  While I was on the phone with the automated pharmacy refill service, someone beeped me on the other line and I answered it because I didn't recognize the number.  It was the library's automated reminder service calling to tell me that my books were overdue.  I was on the phone with two computers at the same time and that is depressing.  When I clicked back over to the pharmacy, I didn't know what number to push, so I had to hang up and do it again. 

Pills finally ordered, I decided that I really wanted to go back to bed and that I had better make the bed or else the temptation would be too great.  While I was making the bed, I got a really intense craving for green bean casserole with French's crunchy onion topping.  I abandoned the bed-making to go downstairs and see if we had the ingredients for green bean casserole.  We did not.  While I was looking in the cupboard, I decided to have some breakfast and make some coffee.  Then I remembered that the only coffee we have tastes like Dimetapp and decided to write a grocery list because in addition to coffee, we also need green beans and cream of mushroom soup and French's crunchy onions. 

As I ate my raisin bran, I began to think of all the things I need to do.  I started to get anxiety because so far, my morning had been largely unproductive. I began to get that self-loathing feeling, so I finished my cereal and went upstairs to finish making the bed- a mere 45 minutes after I began.  Bed finally made, I figured it might be a good idea to take a shower, but then I remembered that I wanted to go tanning and also that my sister's dog needs a walk.  Since these are both sweaty activities, I decided to forgo the shower and go walk the dog instead.  A game of iPad solitaire, a load of laundry, and an episode of Mighty B! later, I left the house to go get the dog.  And I did go get him- except that halfway down my street, I noticed all the trash cans lining the sidewalk and remembered that it's trash day and I didn't put the trash out.  So I turned around and went back.

After I finally got the dog and got all the way down to the greenbelt and started to walk him, I realized that I didn't have the attention span for a walk but I would have felt guilty if I didn't go, so I decided to power walk the entire route and see how fast I could do it without actually running.  I was like an 85-year-old mall walker on speed.  I walked that path as fast as I usually jog it.  I had decided that while I power walked, I would make a plan for doing the rest of my errands.  By the time I got back to the car I was dragging the poor dog along, stripped down to my tank top, sweating buckets and panting.  I had also spent the entire walk thinking of ways to improve my blog instead of planning my errands.

After getting an iced tea and dropping the dog off, I felt pretty productive.  But then I did a mental tally and discovered I'd only actually done one thing I needed to.  I still had to drop off some clothes at the dry cleaner, pick up cat's pills and boyfriend's pills, return a movie and some library books, tan, go to the bank, make five phone calls, exchange my brother's ninja suit for a smaller size, and clean the cat boxes.  But before I could go out and do those things, I had to go home and get the dry cleaning, the movie, the library books, and my tanning goggles.  And I had to run back to my sister's to pick up the ninja suit that I left sitting on her counter.  And I was hungry......but to punish myself, I decided NO LUNCH FOR ME until I did my errands.  My stomach would just have to wait.

I really WAS about to leave the house to do my errands, but something reminded me that I was supposed to do something for Cody besides get his pills so I had to walk around the house until I remembered.  After all, he only asked me to do two things today and I still hadn't done either one yet.  Then I remembered that the other thing he asked me to do was order some prints of some pictures for his parents.  So I got online to do it but instead, I checked my email and my three favorite blogs.  Then I read an article on the BBC about how Colonel Gaddafi is dead.  Then I checked the weather report.  Then I ordered the pictures.

At that point, the self loathing became unbearable, so I actually went and exchanged the ninja suit, picked up cat's pills, went to the bank, tanned, picked up boyfriend's pills, dropped off the movie and the library books and the dry cleaning, and got another iced tea.  I forgot the coffee and the green bean casserole ingredients because I forgot the list at home.  I didn't pick up the photos yet either, but what am I, a freaking wizard?  When I got home, I ate some tomato soup and a grilled cheese.  By then, the self loathing had subsided.  But I still had to clean the cat boxes and make the phone calls.  Son of a...........

 I started to make the phone calls, but after about 45 minutes on the phone with social security, I lost my patience.  I did manage to hold out until someone answered, so I finally got the information I needed.  But I decided to do the other phone calls tomorrow.  Then I panicked because it was 4:30 and I still stank from power walking and tanning and I needed to clean the cat boxes and pick up the photos and I was having company over for dinner in less than two hours. 

I ran down to the Walgreens, got distracted by a buy one get one free cosmetics sale and left with new lip gloss and not the photos.  Luckily, I remembered to get them before I drove out of the parking lot.  By then, I was screwed because it was after 5:00 and I had less than one hour to shower and clean up the house and when  I got home, one of the cats had shit on the floor.

Now, I'm guessing that if you actually hung on and read that whole blog post,  you do NOT have ADHD.  Congratulations.  For me, I hope its temporary......

How to Survive a REAL Zombie Apocalypse

Recently, the Center for Disease Control came out with a Zombie Apocalypse Preparedness Guide.  I provided a link to it a few blog posts ago.  Go ahead......check it out.  Then forget it because it's total hooey.  If you wanna be the main course on the zombie buffet, go ahead and follow the CDC's advice. 

Since clearly the CDC just wants to use their "Zombie Guide" as a veiled lecture about preparedness for "real emergencies" like tornadoes and hurricanes, I took it upon myself to write a real Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide.
_____________________________________________________

A Brief History of Zombies

There isn't really a history of zombies because they probably don't exist as far as we know yet.  And I don't really know why you need to know a history of zombies anyways.  If something is chasing you and trying to eat your brain, I can't imagine how having a history would be helpful.  What would be more helpful is to know how to not get your brain eaten. 

There are a lot of theories on how zombies could come about. I think they all have to do with some sort of ebola death virus or mutated mad cow disease or government manufactured biological warfare gone rogue. It spreads like wildfire. It inevitably eats away at a person's brain until they develop a bad case of  flesh rot, a loss of motor skills,  and a taste for human flesh. 

Since we've never had any encounter with zombies before, we can only speculate as to the cause, but my money says it stems from some sort of biological weapon that the bonehead government accidentally lets loose into the oxygen or water supply of a backwater Kansas town.  Pretty soon the mutated cannibalistic rednecks will have spread the zombie virus nationwide.  In some movies, you become a zombie just from breathing bad air or drinking bad water or catching the virus from someone already infected because they sneezed on you.  Sometimes, the zombie has to bite you to pass it on.  The mode of transmission can only be speculated.  Sometimes a person slowly gets sicker and sicker before they become a horrible zombie and sometimes they die first and then come back to "life".  I'm sure you'll probably hear the exact details when the shit starts hitting the fan.

Shit You Should Start Stockpiling
Everyone already knows that you need to have food and water and first aid kits and stuff when there's an emergency.  We've heard this a thousand times.  More likely than not, you haven't started your stockpile yet and won't have done so before the pandemic begins.  Do you have a food and water supply?  I do- about three days worth consisting of whatever is in my refrigerator.  Probably bad Chinese leftovers.  This isn't enough.  If and when it happens and you have no food and water, your best bet is to steal from/ break into and loot the places that have the things you want.  Costco seems like it would be pretty good bet for having everything you need.  Probably wouldn't be too tough to get in there.  Plus they have those huge orange carts that you can stack lots of crap on, so you can just wheel those suckers down the aisles at breakneck speed and load them up.  No truck to haul it?  No problem.  Just steal one.  There is bound to be an abandoned truck or van in the road with a dead person at the wheel.  Throw the bastard out and take the truck- he's not using it anymore.  These things may sound easy to do, but nothing can be more difficult.  There will be lots of people doing the same looting you're doing.  You have to be willing to beat other people to death if necessary to get the last case of Hormel chili.  Just remember- it's not personal, it's survival.  They probably would have ended up as a zombie anyways, so you can't beat yourself up over it- but you can beat THEM up.


Really, though,  food and water and first aid supplies are minor details.  There are more important things to stockpile.  Here is a small list of other helpful items:

• Guns
• Big guns
• Little guns
• Machine guns
• Ammo for your guns
• Bazooka
• Machete
• Axes
• Pick axes
• Hand grenades
• Flamethrower
• Night vision goggles
• Crossbow
• Arrows for your crossbow
• Shovel
• Liquor

Anything else you decide might act as a weapon will be good as well.  Like bricks or pogo sticks.  The point is that you'll probably be too busy slaying zombies to eat much, so your huge food supply won't come in near as handy as your weapon supply.  Anyways, you'll need to stay in shape to outrun the zombies, so it's best not to eat too much.  The fatter you are, the easier you are to catch.  In addition, you never know when you'll be driven from your house by zombies and have to leave behind your food supply anyways.  If you spent a ton of time stockpiling a bunch of food that you then had to abandon, you'll just be sad about leaving it and you will already have enough things to be sad about.  Like the zombies eating all the people you used to go to the bars with. The smartest thing to do is actually to steal a large van and keep your supplies in there.  That way you can run at a moment's notice.

Where to Go
Ken Johnson's house.  But you can't go there.  It's already going to be full because I'm going there.  Why am I going to Ken's house?  Because Ken has lots of weapons.  And he gets up at 4 am on Black Friday to load up on high quality ammo at low, low prices.  Which, as you remember, are on the list of essentials.  You'll have to find your own house o'weapons.  Maybe you could join the gun club to meet new friends.

The best thing you could do is come up with an emergency plan with your family.  The CDC shows a nice picture of a family at their "meeting place" by the mailbox.  This is bullshit because if you meet up by the mailbox, you'll die.  You can hole up in someone's house o'weapons for awhile, but inevitably the zombie population will be so thick, they'll sniff you out.  Once you've convened there, you'll need to gather together a bunch of camping crap and head for the freaking hills.  You might want to consider breaking into Bish's RV and stealing yourself a brand new RV.  Then you can store your supplies in it and flee the zombies in your tenement on wheels.  We're lucky to be in Idaho because we're loaded with freaking hills.  You should find out where the nearest hills are to where you live.  If there's anything you need that you don't have in your garage or basement, you'll have to send two of the smartest, toughest family members on a kamikaze raid mission to your nearest stores to loot for it.  But beware- don't leave the weaker family members by themselves, even if you give them a gun.  Zombies will eat them because they'll probably forget to turn the gun safety off. 


Who Can Help You
The CDC tells you to identify emergency contacts so you can get in touch with the proper authorities.  This is grade A baloney.  The authorities are probably zombiefied.  Just get it in your head that once the nation falls to zombie attack, there are no laws and there is no law enforcement.  No one can help you.  You're on your own and you can't trust anyone.  The CDC also says they'll be conducting investigations and running tests and initiating quarantines to contain the disease.  But everyone knows that some moron (most likely some roided out muscle head who is strong enough to break through the barricade and stupid enough to ignore all reason) will escape and run rampant spreading his zombie cooties left and right.

Things to Remember:
-Zombies probably travel in herds like sheep.  This is because they're stupid.  Like sheep. 

-Shoot first, ask questions later.

- Trust no one. 

-Don't let anyone else into your hideout. If someone bangs on your door begging for shelter or protection and please please please let them in and they promise they're not sick.......Shoot them. Let them in and you'll all be one big happy zombie family.

-If you catch someone trying to steal your stash o'guns or food supply......shoot them. Those are your supplies and you cannot show mercy.

-If a family member or friend gets bitten, they're not your family member or friend anymore.  Shoot them.  It will be sad, but not as sad as EVERYONE becoming zombies.

-Steer clear of stealing someone's old Winnebago.  Those are always breaking down in zombie movies, so that must be what would really happen.  If you break down, the zombies can come right in the door and eat you because there's no back door to escape from.  Find something brand new instead.

-Keep in mind that it's not personal.  Its zombie survival.  So what if you killed someone over a case of powdered milk?

-It might occur to you to start repopulating the earth at some point.  Be wary of doing this because you don't know if the unborn baby is susceptible to the zombie disease.  I'm not saying don't do it, I'm just saying maybe be ready with a gun when the thing pops out so you can shoot it if it's a brand new baby zombie.



Zombie Body Disposal Protocol
You can't just shoot a zombie and walk away.  In order to properly and effectively slay a zombie, you must first shoot it in the head.  Then you must stab it in the heart.  Then you must behead it.  Then you must burn the carcass. If you're afraid to burn it because you might attract other zombies, then punt the head really really far from the body.   If you don't, it will pick up its head and bring it back to eat you. 


One Last Word of Caution
Since it's only a matter of time before I reach three million followerss, a lot of people will be following my zombie survival advice.  This means that most of the country will be shooting first and asking questions later like I told them to.  So, just to be really safe,  get as far away as you can from all people anywhere ever. And DON'T ask anyone for help because they'll shoot you.  Only steal from stores and dead people or you'll get shot.  You're gonna have to just help yourself. So just remember- don't be a weenie about it.

Diary of a Road Trip

Captain's Log, 8am 
Boise
We have just embarked on a long and epic journey to Salmon.  Given that I have what the two senior crew members describe as "inferior driving skills", I find myself revoked of actual captain's duties and have taken on a supervisory role instead.  Upon departing, the crew realizes they forgot approximately 8 things.  In addition, Angus, the youngest crew member has not been fed breakfast.  We return home to pick up the forgotten items and a box of Froot Loops.  Most of the crew members take the opportunity to pee.  We re-depart.

Captain's Log, 9am 
Somewhere between Horseshoe Bend and Banks
We have been stopped for road construction.  Having not taken the construction season into account, we begin to fear that the estimated time of arrival at our destination may be slightly later than anticipated.

Captain's Log, 9:30am
Still Somewhere between Horseshoe Bend and Banks
We have again been stopped for road construction.  Crew morale is slipping.

Captain's Log, 10:30am 
Garden Valley
We have arrived in Garden Valley and have stopped at a Chevron station.  Unfortunately, all the travelers who waited ahead of us during our construction stops are now waiting ahead of us for the bathroom, so the wait is substantial.  We continue to lose valuable time.  The younger crew members attempt to utilize a portable potty outdoors, but retreat, as there is a "frickin colossal" dung beetle on the door handle.  In order to stave off hunger, the crew has decided to purchase several three-foot-long pepperoni sticks, despite Captain's suggestions that they smell of rotted foot.  Upon returning to our vessel, Angus bangs crew member Charlee's face against the car window, which results in a minor "coming-to-Jesus".  Angus complains to the senior crew members that he has broken his ankle on a rock and requests one of the senior crew member's pain pills. The request is denied.  During the chaos, I am embarrassed to realize that I have forgotten to apply underarm deodorant, a staple for any captain on long, hot summer journeys.  We journey onward.

Captain's Log, 11am 
Somewhere between Garden Valley and Lowman
After consuming the majority of the aforementioned pepperoni sticks, along with a considerable amount of gummy bears and Froot Loops, the youngest crew member has informed the captain that he may vomit.  We have stopped for fresh air.  Myself and the senior crew members realize a serious error in trip preparation- no Dramamine has been procured for the journey.  Given the inclination toward motion sickness of the two junior crew members, this may put our trip in serious jeopardy.  While stopped, I utilize the opportunity to apply deodorant and also seek a solitary location in which to have an emergency cigarette.  Upon returning to the vehicle, I am pleased to learn that senior officer Mom has fashioned a makeshift barf bag out of the Froot Loops box.

Captain's Log, 11:35am 
Somewhere between Lowman and Stanley
As we continue our travels, crew member Angus has ceased his complaints of motion sickness.  The Froot Loops box was not used.  He has now turned his attention to the unfair nature of being made to use a child safety seat.  We find it necessary to stop so that senior officer Mom may take her leave for some fresh air.  During the stop, Angus exits the vehicle against orders, intending to urinate.  After much deliberation and "nancying around", he returns without doing so out of fear that a random traveler will see him peeing.

Captain's Log, 11:39am 
4 miles further
We have again been stopped for construction.  I fear that our continual stops are putting a major strain on crew patience, as well as delaying our ETA.


Captain's Log, 12pm
Somewhere slightly closer to Stanley
Despite strong urging against it, crew member Angus proceeded to eat a caramel apple sucker and has succeeded in getting it stuck on his teeth.  Senior officer Mom has confiscated the sucker, resulting in several miles of crying.  After repeated petitions for its return, pilot Mikenna has reached the end of her patience and has rolled the sucker around in the change drawer, rendering it inedible.  The severity of crying from the back seat has reached near-unbearable levels.


Captain's Log, 12:30pm
Stanley
We have stopped at the local gas station to procure more supplies, including cheese nachos and soda.  As we wait for other crew members to utilize the restroom, crew member Angus regales us with the tale of when he required a root canal and they almost had to put him down.  Despite my inferior driving skills and against my better judgment, I have taken over the driving responsibility.  

Captain's Log, 12:35pm
Stanley
Junior crew member Charlee has informed me that we forgot to purchase Dramamine pills at our last stop.  I stop again at another gas station and send her to procure them.  She returns empty-handed, as they do not sell Dramamine at this establishment.  We carry on without.

Captain's Log, 2pm
Middle of nowhere
It has been quite some time since any incidents involving the crew.  They are all sleeping and things are currently quiet. Despite being slightly drowsy, my spirits are high.  I am cautiously optimistic that we may finish out the trip uneventfully.

Captain's Log, 2:15pm
Somewhere near Challis
In a strange weather phenomenon, a torrential downpour of frozen rain commences.  Visibility is severely compromised.  Upon checking a calendar, we are surprised to confirm that it is July.  We shall make note of this occurrence, as typically in July, it is at least 50 degrees and too warm for water to freeze.  I slow to 35 MPH in order to account for the coating of hail that is making our passageway slippery and unsafe.

Captain's Log, 2:30pm
Somewhere past Challis
The torrential downpour continues.  The rain and hail has caused many rocks to fall from the cliffs lining our roadway and driving is difficult.  I make a mental note that it has been nearly two hours since I received any complaints or comments about my poor driving skills.  I vow to finish the journey safely in hopes of earning a reprieve from future criticism.

Captain's Log, 2:32pm 
Somewhere a little further
I have encountered a fallen rock directly in the path of our vessel.  Wary of swerving into the other lane or slamming on the brakes in fear of painfully jolting senior officer mom, I make a piss-poor split second decision and attempt to maneuver directly over the rock.  My judgment of the size of said rock was grossly incorrect and we are now stopped at the side of the highway, rock wedged firmly beneath the car.  The monsoon continues.  The senior officers exit the vehicle and discover a substantial lake of oil pouring from the automobile.  After several failed attempts to dislodge the behemoth rock, senior officer mom places a series of large rocks behind one of the tires, allowing me to slowly back over them, raising the vehicle and freeing us.  

Captain's Log, 2:35pm
Same goddamn spot
I have managed to pull the vehicle to safety into a large pull-out area below a cliff.  We have no cellular service.  Crew morale has reached an all-time low.  Unable to finish the last leg of the journey, I brave the rain to flag down several vehicles, imploring them to call for help when they reach cell service.  We can do nothing now but wait.

Captain's Log, 3:15pm
Side of the highway
The rain has stopped.  The sun is now beating down upon the car, creating a very uncomfortable climate inside.  As we are unable to utilize the air conditioning unit, we must open the car doors and pray for a breeze. Senior officer mom has decided that if "someone" can climb to the top of the cliff above us, we may be able to receive enough cell service to call for help ourselves.  After a quick visual survey of everyone present, the crew deduces that my jersey knit skirt and brand-new black converse sneakers are the perfect attire for a hike and I am nominated to go.  Outfitting myself with some emergency cigarettes and my cell phone, I set out to climb the cliff.

Captain's log, 3:30pm
Cliffside
I have made it partway up the side of the cliff.  The terrain is fairly unstable.  Given the recent precipitation and the loose rock of which the hillside is composed, the climb has been strenuous.  I stop to catch my breath and have an emergency smoke.  Looking down at the vehicle below me, I begin to suspect that the crew's desire for cell service may have actually been a ploy to get rid of me. I begin to question their motives. 

Captain's Log, 3:45pm
Cliffside
I have reached the topmost part of the cliff and am not surprised to find that no cell signal is available.  Other than one flurry of rain midway through the climb, the sun has beaten down quite fiercely as I hiked and my previously applied underarm deodorant has long since given out.  On a happier note, I have acquired a climbing partner.  A small black dog appeared about halfway up the cliff and she has been with me since that time.  Given the heat and fatigue, I begin to wonder if the dog is a figment of my insane imagination.  As it appears I will be unable to make an emergency call, I smoke my last cigarette and begin my jaunt down the cliff.

Captain's Log, 4:00pm
Side of highway
My journey down the cliff took far less time than the journey up, considering the amount of falling that occurred.  Luckily, my new found companion was there to pull me back from a fall to my death. It has begun to thunder quite loudly, scaring my canine friend into hiding beneath the van. Having made the hike for cell service unsuccessfully, I am now resigned to sit next to the vehicle, awaiting help.

Captain's Log, 4:15pm
Hell
Still no sign of help.  I fear a crew meltdown.  We are currently experiencing frequent bouts of crying and bitching.  I am running low on emergency cigarettes and the water supply is dangerously low.  If help does not arrive soon, we may be forced to make a difficult decision regarding which crew member to eat.  

Captain's Log, 4:30pm
At long last, assistance has arrived.  A tow truck was summoned to haul the vehicle to town.  We will ride along behind with our brother, who has brought a sizable vehicle to haul our crew and cargo.  A visual inspection of the underside of the vessel reveals to the tow truck driver that the oil pan has been obliterated.  Luckily, the damage was not more severe.  I was sad to leave my friend the dog-hero laying in the highway pull-out, especially after her attempts to save my life.  Perhaps future unlucky travelers will be aided by her efforts. 

Having given it quite a lot of thought, I have decided to step down as captain and turn my efforts toward more rewarding endeavors.

THANK you............

It's about freaking time, people.
I know I'm usually funny, but it's time for a somber heart to heart. Have I not been talking about this for years? Have I not attempted to formulate a plan in the event of this very thing? Well if you value your safety and the safety of your family, you need to read this and consider making your own emergency plan, ok? Just promise me you'll think about it. I think about it at least once a day, which cannot possibly be a waste of brain power

CLICK HERE!!!

Crap We've Been Doing Instead of Blogging

So, I've gotten a few complaints that I haven't posted enough lately.  I haven't felt particularly bloggy lately, plus my mom was in the hospital, my sister's wedding rapidly approaches, and there have been a ton of things going on.  In order to catch all of you up and also to satiate your lust for my splendidly written word, I present to you......

Crap I've Been Doing Instead of Blogging

I extended my stay in Idaho Falls by an extra week.  Our Easter trip to the family ranch ended most abruptly with a two hour, middle-of-the-night, gut wrenching drive all the way back to Idaho Falls to take my mom to the emergency room.  Easter was mostly ruined, which made us all sad pandas, especially my mom.  She was there for a week with a raging infection.  I'd give more details, but it's all a blur of sleepless nights and not eating much and doctors and crying and fevers.   Mom is currently stable, but not great.  We appreciate all the well-wishers and casserole-makers and errand-runners who have helped our family over the past few weeks!  Since mom finally got to go home, my sister and I got to come home, too.

I did not return home empty handed, though.  As you can see, our flock has grown by 50%.

In case you question my calculations, I will demonstrate them here:

This should clear up any confusion.  

Our new recruit has only two speeds: On and Off.  She loves to play with the camera, so I had some difficulty getting a photograph of her.  She's a bit of a wild child. 

And finally, success.  Ladies and Gentlemen, meet.......

Tonks

 I'll pause for a moment while you recover from cyootness overdose...............Done?  Me either.  I'm OD'ing on adorable.  Tonks enjoys naps in the sun, fish-shaped pounce treats, sleeping underneath the covers, people food, and sneak attacks.  She also likes to play the "scary eyes" game and the "something under the blankets" game and napping on your chest and giving kisses.  Not unlike Argyle the lamb, but in a much more convenient size and with twice the level of cyoot*.

*See how I use "cyoot" instead of "cute"?  That's because ordinary "cute" doesn't cut the mustard on this.

 

In addition to playing with Tonks, Cody and I have been brewing a summer beer, which will be ready for consumption in a few weeks. It is currently in the fermentation stage.

Also, I noticed that the brewing process left us with a few pounds of spent grains, which I felt should not be simply thrown out.  Waste not, want not.......So I made spent grain bread.

In preparation for the wedding, I have been manufacturing hair pieces for the bride and her attendants to wear.  This was a total crap-shoot, as I didn't have a clue what I was doing.  Luckily, I underestimated my own level of radness.

 

I did manage to sneak in a trip to the Bruneau Sand Dunes as well.  Cody and I went with his parents to camp there for the weekend so we could bass fish.  Did someone say FUN TIMES?  It was me.  The fishing wasn't stellar- we only caught a couple and it was a little chilly, but it was the most fun I have ever had in rubber pants.  We also did some hiking to the top of the largest single structure sand dune in North America.  

As you can see, I've had my hands full.  I have a cartoon-heavy blog coming, I promise.  But I don't know when I'll get around to finishing it, as my maid of honor duties are becoming increasingly critical.  I've got four weeks to help the bride with last minute arrangements, daily workouts, practice makeup and hair, wardrobe and accessories, and a four tiered cake, which I have (hopelessly not foolishly) agreed to make and decorate.  So hang onto your panties if I don't blog much. 

Thanks for reading!

P.S.  More followers, please.  Tell your grandmas and postmen and third cousins and friends who might be looking to hire a blog writer or cake maker.

Argyle the Lamb

Meet Argyle.

Argyle's real name is actually Scott, but that's a silly name for a lamb, so I'm calling him Argyle.  I am in love with Argyle.

He is sweet and soft and he lets me kiss his nose and his lanolin makes my hands silky smooth.  If Cody loved ME as much as I love ARGYLE, he would let me bring him home to live in our backyard.

Hintity-hint-hint...........

How to Have "Fun" in Los Angeles

Are you considering a vacation?  A weekend getaway?  Why not take a few days and travel to

FABULOUS, SUNNY 

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA!!!!

I am confident you will thoroughly enjoy a weekend in L.A.  Why?  The bigger question is......why NOT????

I highly recommend booking your flight to L.A. on American Eagle, a subsidiary of American Airlines. They now have two flights from Boise to L.A. daily.  In addition to "low low pricing" on your tickets, you will experience a minor ass-raping of only $25 per bag checked and at least one screaming infant per flight- free of charge! Because really, why would the "low low price" of your plane tickets include a checked bag?  I mean, who takes BAGS on a vacation?  Who needs their STUFF on a weekend away?  You should probably go ahead and pay to check at least three bags because your belongings will totally not get stolen from your Los Angeles hotel room by a gang.  American Eagle offers "spacious", comfortable cabins and roomy seats.

After a "relaxing" flight to L.A., why not consider lodging with one of the finest airport hotels that California has to offer........

The Travelodge!!!

During my most recent stay in Los Angeles, I booked a very posh room in this facility and was most pleased.  We even paid the extra $15 for the beautiful "Balcony with Pool View"................

The vintage 1980s "southwestern" decor will make you feel right at home.  The proprietor of this fabulous hotel has taken special care to make sure that the huge gap under the "door" is small enough to keep out even the smallest cockroaches and the barrels of most guns.  

Wondering what else Los Angeles has to offer?  During your "fun-filled" stay in southern California, you'll experience........

"Thrilling" $150 cab rides!  

Exciting drive-by shootings!!

Fresh Air!

Clean Streets!

AND.........

I'm sure by now you've got an inexplicable yearning to travel to beautiful Los Angeles, California for a weekend away with your sweetheart.  Trust me- it's an incredible experience.  Nothing brings families together like fear and bed bugs.  

I'm pretty sure I've made my point-  Los Angeles is really really special and totally does not suck ass at all.

Asian to Engrish Translations are of Most Funny

Hi Everyone!

So, I'm totally not ignoring you and I'm not in jail and I haven't given up on blogging.  It's just that I'm not at home and where I'm staying doesn't have internet so I was literally cut off from my internet surfing cold turkey.  And no, I'm not in a third-world country.  I'm in Idaho Falls.  But I'm pretty sure you still need a passport to come here.  And actually, I think even some third world countries have internets because Heather sometimes emails me from Cambodia so there's really no excuse for this injustice.  

I have like a billion really awesome, spectacular, cartoon-heavy blogs in the works, but cartoons take a long time to draw when you're using paint and I'm pretty sure my mom's home PC uses floppy disks so things are a little slow here at The Party of Two. In lieu of blogging I've been driving children to dances and driving children to school and picking children up from friend's houses and helping children with homework and breaking up arguments between children and scolding the dog and making my mom tea.  

Oh, and I've fallen in love with a baby lamb which I'm pretty sure doesn't have a name so I'm calling him Argyle.  I will love Argyle forever or at least until he turns into a sheep, at which time his lack of intelligence and his deliciousness will begin to outweigh his cuteness. Even after I fall out of love with him, he'll probably still love me- which is sad but even sheep must learn that life is unfair.  Argyle runs from everyone else but he loves me and he follows me around and bats his long eyelashes at me and lets me grab his face and kiss his nose and I'm basically the Lamb Whisperer by now.

Anyways, to make a long story short, none of my cartoons are ready for publishing yet, so I'm throwing you a bone by sharing with you YET ANOTHER "Actual Conversations" blog post, which I've been saving for just such a moment as this.  It may not be on par with my usual side-splitting hilarity, but it's all I have right now.  Enjoy.  I'll let you know when I get back to Boise so you can take me out for a beer.  

______________________________________________________________

Here is an actual Messenger conversation that took place between Cody and I while I was bored on one of my last days of work-

Rae Says:  

Last week of work.......nothing to do.

I'm reduced to playing a fishing game on the internets.

Cody says:

Nice......lucky.

Rae says:

The directions are hilarious!

I love Chinese to Engrish mistransrations.

The instructions say "Take careful on this level, as fishes are more of timidness.  Also watch out for the most evil of crabs.  He will remove your line of fishing by his claws."

Cody says:

LOL

Rae says:

"We will keep track of all your achieves and score as you continue to playing"

Cody says:

Nice!

Hey, I'm starving already.  Anything in mind for dinner?

Rae says:

Ohhhhhh.....Tonight for you I cook most healthful of dinner for to eat.  So nice!

And if you like most pleasure, I can rub shoulders for you to partake of relaxing.

Cody says:

LOLOL!

You're hilarious

So, what are we having?

Rae says:

I am think for you I prepare most sweet of potato baked in oven.

Or perhaps you would care to partake of most spicy of turkey meat sauce with prepared noodoh?

Also in option for you is grilled chop of porkness with greens salad.

Cody says:

Whatever to make with most ease.

Rae says:

Made with most ease is pizza ordered from red hut.  But that option is not of most healthfulness.....

You like for me love you long time?

Cody says:

Oh jes... I want you love me long time.

Rae says:  

Ohhhhhhh jes.......I love you long time. 

You like for me yanky your wanky?  

[Cody has signed out of messenger]

Actual Conversations: Space Invaders Edition **LINK FIXED!**

Ever the sci-fi nerd, Cody sent me a link to an article from NBC News about how we are most definitely not alone in the universe.  Ever the horror nerd, I turned it into being about zombies. You should read it first (or at least skim it) so that the following instant message conversation makes more sense.....
-----------------------------------------

Cody says:
Babe!  Check out this article!!

Rae says:

I'm seeing some rad sci-fi movies coming our way after this discovery

Cody says:
Yeah... hopefully not more cowboys and aliens though.  LOL.

Rae says:

Like, how about a movie that takes place in the future where we find another planet with humans on it, only some crucial, yet unnoticeable things are different so we become mutated or get in a war or need to escape but the ship breaks down and the "other" humans start to eat us......

Cody says:
That would be rad
Or like, another planet with bizzaro versions of our selves
Like the Futurama episode with the universe boxes

Rae says:
OR like, we have to evacuate earth because a life-ending meteor is coming, so we find an earth-like planet and settle in and build a civilization. Then things start to go south because the oxygen is different or the plants are poisonous or zombies come up out of the ground and eat us

Cody says:
Yeah.... that sounds pretty cool

Rae says:

OR like, we make friends with the other "humans" on the other planets, but then one of our people breeds with one of their "people" and they give birth to a demon zombie "person" and it eats us.

Cody says:
Yeah... that would be cooh
You're all about the things that eat us.

Rae says:

I'm pretty sure we're gonna get eaten before this is over

Just saying

What would you do if there WAS a bizzaro earth 

And you went there and ran into bizzaro Rae 

Only she was ten times hotter than me?

Cody says:
Impossible

Rae says:

And then you had to choose between us?

Cody says:
Can't exist, since you are the pinnacle of hotness

Rae says:
PFFFTTT.......well thanks babe!
But seriously, answer the question.

Cody says:
But if it were even possible, she'd probably have to be our girlfriend. Heh.

Rae says:

But what if Rae + Bizzaro Rae = Zombie Death Rae and we both eat you?

HA!  Get it?  "Death Rae"? 

Cody says:
ROFLCOPTERS!

Rae says:

Maybe we would morph into one mega being that would rule both Earth AND Bizzaro Earth....

With lasers from our eyes

And mind control.

And wily powers of persuasion.....

Cody says:
Heh
I want beer and wine
That's what I want

Rae says:

So you DONT want a sexy Bizzaro Rae scenario, you just want a beer?  

.....You're boring.......

Cody says:
 I want to find a bizzaro earth, where the beer flows like wine, and the alcohol is super special cuz it doesn't give you hangovers or kill brain cells

Rae says:

But it still makes you drunk, right?

Cody says:
 Of COURSE!  Otherwise, what would be the point?

Rae says:

Toupe.......

But what if you drank the hangover free beer and then it turned you into a zombie with a thirst, not for more beer, but for eating people?

Cody says:
Then I guess I'd eat people

Rae says:

I wonder if we taste like chicken.....?

Cody says:
As for me, I'll have salad
With chicken

Rae says:

If you could taste a human, free of consequences, would you?

Like, say an old guy volunteers to be slain and cooked.  For science.  Would you eat him?

Cody says:
I would try it.  It's only meat.

Rae says:
That's icky

What if it's like baby lamb vs old mutton

The old sheep are all gamey and sinewy. 

 Maybe the old man would be all tough like an old sheep.

Cody says:
And gross......

Rae says:

Would you eat a baby?  

That would be like eating veal, kind of......

Like, if it died very unfortunately of natural causes and was prepared right afterward so it was still fresh?

Cody says:
Would take major seasoning and marinade
Would you?

Rae says:

Uh, no........that's sick.  You're sick.

The taste would be terrible.

I wouldn't eat people EVER.  That would wreck you for life

I mean, there's a reason cannibalism is frowned upon in most societies.... 

Cody says:
Yeah maybe

Rae says:

But I WOULD eat a zombie

If you eat a zombie, do you then possess its powers?

I think if you ate zombie, you'd get infected and BECOME a zombie.

Cody says:
Yeah.......you would.

Rae says:  

It might be fun to be a zombie.  

Cody says:
Your mind is so messed up.

Rae says:

This is SO going on the blog.....

[Cody has signed out of messenger]

A Voice Message From Lucifer

If you know me at all, you know that I could be described as “morbidly curious”.  My friend Jacquelyn calls it the “dark and twisties”, which is apparently something someone said on Grey’s Anatomy.  I wouldn’t know because that’s not a show about Jack the Ripper or ebola outbreaks so I’ve never watched it.  The last four books I read were written by Stephen King, 75% of the DVDs I own are horror movies, and I spend a pretty significant amount of time thinking about what I would do during a zombie apocalypse.  Needless to say, it takes a lot to scare me.

Now that you know a little more about me, let me tell you about the time my mom and I got a voicemail from the Prince of Darkness......

The other day, I was at a job interview taking some aptitude tests.  I was alone in a little room trying to fumble my way through a billion questions about Microsoft Excel when my emergency work phone rang.  I didn't answer- mostly because I was afraid they were watching me on a secret camera and it wouldn’t look good if I answered in the middle of my test.  After the interview, I checked the work phone and the call had come from a 901 area code, which I did not recognize.  I don’t have any clients whose family comes from a 901 area code.  They left no message and when I called the number back, it simply said “this voice mailbox is full.”  I didn’t think another thing of it.  Until that night…….

Cody was out of town on business, so I had my sister and her fiancé over for dinner.  In the middle of dinner, we both got a text from our mother saying that she just got a terrifying voicemail message.  I called her up, figuring she was the victim of a prank.  She informed me that she didn’t recognize the number it came from and that it had scared the living daylights out of her.  It was too horrible to talk about, she said.  I asked her to give me the number, intending to call the bastard who left the voicemail and rip them a new one.  Then she gave me the number.  Which had a 901 area code………

 A little red flag went up in my mind.  901, 901......Why was that familiar?  A light went on.  I checked my work phone-  my unlisted, unpublished, emergency work phone.  Only a small handful of clients have access to that number and it is not on my business cards or our web site.  It’s nowhere.  It’s a ghost number.  And the missed call from earlier that day had been from the exact same number that had just called my mom. I immediately called her back and insisted she forward me the voicemail.  She refused.  No way was she listening to it again, she said.  It was that terrifying.  I explained how to forward it without listening to it and she sent it to me. 

What I heard can only be described as the rantings of some other-worldly beast.  It started out with heavy breathing and throaty, raspy growling.  After a few seconds of  breathing into the phone, a bone-chilling voice said:

“You…[growl]…….will DIE someday…[growl]…and then you will be my servant…FOREVER…” 

I froze.

My mom and I had both missed a call from the underworld.  

Ever the brainiacs, Kenna and Ken began to do research on the internet, trying to determine where the number was from because surely there must be a logical explanation.  But it was a Memphis area code and it was untraceable.  While they debated what sort of living, breathing, garden variety psycho could be harassing our family, my mind raced with possibilities- none of them logical and most of them having to do with voodoo curses and sinister beings concocted by Stephen King.  Long after they went home, leaving me alone in the house,  I paced back and forth, desperately trying to figure out who we had pissed off and how much longer we had to live.   I thought of Richard Gere in The Mothman Prophecies, trapped in a podunk West Virginia town by a demonic moth-creature of doom.  Richard Gere got all kinds of sinister calls from this mothman, whose voice was almost as terrifying as the one now lurking in my voicemail box.  Surely it had been the mothman.

Or maybe it wasn't the mothman.  Maybe it was the devil.  Why would the devil be calling us?  Was I a reincarnated axe murderer?  Was this karma coming back to take revenge for the dozens of innocents I'd slain in a previous life?  Or had my mom become possessed by an evil spirit and then transferred it to me through the telephone?  It was like The Ring only instead of a video, it was a phone message.  You get the call and 7 days later, you die- all dried up and horrifying with your phone burned to your earlobe.  As it got later and later, I went through the motions of getting ready for bed, silently wondering why Beelzebub couldn't have called when Cody WASN'T in San Francisco.  I decided to go to bed, but the bed looked an acre wide and desolately empty.  It had finally happened. A decade of assaulting my brain with the world's most terrifying shit had come back to bite me in the ass. 

No sleeping occurred that night.  I gave up trying to explain it to myself using logic or reason.  Like a six year old kid afraid of the boogeyman, I sat awake, covers pulled up to my eyeballs, waiting for a legion of demon spawn to march out of the closet and melt my eyeballs or impregnate me with an unwanted Damien child or make me rip my hair out like the tormented Emily Rose.  I imagined my mom back in Idaho Falls, possessed by a fiendish imp, smiling menacingly as she drowned all the neighborhood children in her bathtub.  My imagination turned against me, spinning a horrifying web of possibilities.  I jumped at the slightest noise.  The cats sat at the foot of the bed, eyeballing me curiously as I desperately tried to calm myself enough for sleep to come.  Finally, around 4am, I fell into a light doze, but I woke again long before my alarm and got ready for work in a sleep-deprived trance.  On the way to work, I saw zombies at every bus stop and monsters behind the wheels of cars.  My lack of sleep had taken me off the deep end.

I was drowsing at my desk later that morning when my phone rang.  My eyes flew open.  I froze.   It was the Prince of Darkness.  I knew it.  I picked up the phone, ready for my blood to curdle and my ears to bleed.....   

It was my mom. 

She had discovered the culprit.  The voicemail had not, in fact, come from Lucifer, but from my little brother’s friend M.J.  He had attempted to invite my brother over to play, but when he got no answer, he left the message just to be a dumbass.  The missed call from the 901 area code had been unrelated- a telemarketer trying to scam people out of their credit card information.  After doing some investigating, we discovered that the same number had also called a few of my co-workers and several of my friends the same day.  

I was furious.  I felt foolish.  I had been bested by an 8-year-old sociopath.  I, a 25 year old woman, had stayed up all night- reduced to a whimpering and paranoid buffoon, because of a small child.  How could this have happened?  This child had truly frightened me, something not even the great writings of Edgar Allen Poe or the twisted film making of M. Night Shyamalan could accomplish ( Not M. Night Shyamalan circa "Lady in the Water" .....  earlier M. Night Shyamalan circa "Sixth Sense".  "Lady in the Water" was just ridiculous.  I mean, WTF kind of piece of crap was that?  What the hell, M. Night Shyamalan?).  

What kind of a sick twisted little kid could even make himself sound so deliciously mortifying? I was almost jealous.  I swore I would seek justice.  If this child ever encountered me, he would be met with a fury like hell hath no.  He would spend the remainder of his childhood sipping creamed corn through a straw. 

Watch out, M.J.  You pissed off the wrong woman.......

Yay for the Bloggess

So, the weather is shitty and we all have spring fever and our shorts and sandals are screaming for us to let them out of the closet.  In order to combat everyone's seasonal depression, I present to you, courtesy of my favorite blogger, a photo of Wil Wheaton collating papers:

If that doesn't cheer you up, then you can just get bent because this is pretty much the most awesome thing ever.
Click here to go to the original page containing this picture on The Bloggess' Website
Happy Crappy Weather, everyone.  Thank you, Bloggess!!

*ALSO, I still do not have 50 followers and it's almost the end of March and if I don't have 50 followers, no one is getting cupcakes, so hurry and get me more followers please. 

Actual Conversations- Office Edition

 I've found it quite amusing for the past few months to make note of my interactions with Jerad.  Jerad is our secretary.  I'd like to say Jerad was hired for his skills and qualifications, but he was really hired because the only other person who showed up to interview was a girl with spiky bleached blond hair, a plaid flannel shirt, three inch ear gauges, and a tattoo on the back of her neck that said "Rebel Forever".  She was an hour late, she explained, because she lives in Caldwell and doesn't have a car and the guy who drove her overslept (at 3pm) and had to stop for a carton of smokes.  Jerad was the clear choice because not only was he on time, he wore business clothes, had his own transportation, and didn't smell like booze and regret. 

I feel a little bad for Jerad, but I also feel like if you upset him, he might smile serenely as he very quietly strangled the life out of you and then ground up your remains so he could have a barbeque. 

No one in our office spells Jerad's name correctly.  It's an unusual spelling.  Anita spells it Jared, Lynne spells it Jered, Jan spells it Jerrad.  Mary spells it Jarad.   I spell it Jason.  He corrected me once, but I simply informed him that I'll be calling him Jason from now on.

Jerad Jason just turned 30 years old and he can't spell ANYTHING.  I've seen him spell Wednesday wrong twice, different spellings both times.  Wensday and Wendsday.  He put a Happy Valintines Day note on the office calendar.  I have a thing about spelling.  If you're over the age of 15 and you don't know how to spell it, it had better be french, a chemical, or at least 10 letters long.  If you're not sure, you look it up.   I am a superb speller.  I don't know how to spell everything.  But I know how to use dictionary.com.

Jerad is awkward and a little creepy.  He reminds me a little of that actor who plays Percy in the Green Mile.  He's always lurking outside my office doorway breathing heavily, presumably working up the gumption to come in and ask me whatever question he might have at the moment.  Sometimes he sends me emails with lots of pictures of lions and tigers attached and he always asks me if I want anything from Wendy's- even when he's not going for himself.  I can always use a Wendy's chili, but I'm not asking Creepy McWeirdzoid to go get it for me.


Jerad talks incredibly softly, even annoyingly softly- necessitating constant use of the phrase "come again?" on my part.  Instead of talking louder when I say this, he just moves closer to me.

Since he's got a screw loose and I'm socially retarded, we've had some interesting conversations.
--------------------------------------
[Jerad appears in my office doorway.]
Jerad:  Um, Rae?
Me:  Yep?
Jerad:  My highlighter is out of ink. [holds up the highlighter]
Me:  Well, that's unfortunate.  I'm sorry to hear that.
[uncomfortable silence]
Jerad:  Would it be ok if I get a new one out of the supply closet?
Me:  Yes, I imagine that would be just fine.
[Disappears to the supply closet, which is just outside my office.  I hear rustling around.  He reappears, holding a box.]
Jerad:  These are really nice highlighters.  Have you seen them?  They're "gel" highlighters.
Me:  That's pretty neat, I guess.
[uncomfortable silence]
Jerad:  Would it be ok if I had one of these?
Me:  You know, why don't you take two?  They're small.
Jerad:  Wow!  Thanks!
Me:  You can have whatever you want out of there, Jason.  I don't care.
Jerad:  Really?  Ok!
[Disappears again.  I hear rustling.  Reappears with another box.]
Jerad:  These paperclips are rainbow colored.  Think its ok if I take a few for my desk?
Me:  No, those are mine.
Jerad:  Oh.....ok.
Me:  I'm kidding.  You can have them.  You can have whatever you like from the supply closet, Jason.  I don't care.
Jerad:  Heh.....good one.  Ok thanks.
[Disappears.  Reappears]
Jerad:  Does this stapler belong to anyone?
Me:  [sigh]  Is someone's name on it?
Jerad:  Uh....no. [with worried expression] Are we supposed to put our name on our stuff?
Me:  No.  I was kidding again.  Take the stapler.  Take whatever you want.
Jerad:  Oh!  Heh....I gotcha.  Well thanks.  My stapler up front jams a lot and then I have to restaple stuff.
Me:  That's too bad.
Jerad:  Yeah.  Well, I'm gonna take this one, then.
Me:  That's just super, Jason.  Take whatever you want.
[Disappears, then calls out from the supply closet]
Jerad:  Rae?
Me:  You can have whatever you want, Jason.  I promise.


-------------------------------------

[Jerad appears in office doorway]
Jerad:  Rae?
Me:  Yes?
Jerad:  I made some more coffee.
Me:  Roger.
Jerad:  It's Jerad.
Me:  What?
Jerad:  You called me Roger just now.
Me:  [sigh] No, I meant 'Roger'.  Like, as in 'Roger that'?  As in, '10-4 good buddy, over and out'.......?  Like walkie-talkies......?
Jerad:  OH!  Heh....good one. 
[Stands there awkwardly]
Me:  Anything else I can do for you?
Jerad:  Do you want some coffee?
Me:  Uh...no.  I have some.  I'm good.  Thanks though.
Jerad:  Need me to top it off or heat it up or anything?
Me:  No, thanks.  I can do my own coffee stuff.  Thanks though.
Jerad:  [looks crestfallen] Oh.  All right then.

-----------------------------------
Our office is very small.  Sometimes, rather than getting up, we just yell to each other from one office to another.  We really only use the intercom if we need to have a personal conversation or if there are clients in the office.  Jerad likes to use the intercom to call for very simple things.

[Intercom rings]
Me: This is Rae.
Jerad:  Is this Rae?
Me: ............Yes.....?
Jerad:  Rae, this is Jerad.  From the front desk?
[Not only can I hear him over the phone, I can also hear him just outside my office.  And I'm pretty sure I know which Jerad it is.  The creepy one.]
Me: .........Yes, Jason.
Jerad:  I'm going to step out for a minute.
Me:  Uh.....ok.  Go ahead.
Jerad:  Oh, thanks!  Be right back.
[I hang up the phone.  One office over, I hear Jan's intercom ring]
Jan:  Hello, this is Jan.
Jerad:  Hi, is this Jan?
Jan: .......Yes.....?
Jerad:  Jan, this is Jerad.  From the front desk?
Jan:  Oh, that Jerad.
[ROFL]
Jerad:  Yeah, its me.  I'm stepping out for a minute.
Jan:  Uh....ok.
[Lynne's phone rings]...............
-----------------------------------

A few days ago, I had a brutal, groggy, caffeine free day because we ran out of coffee filters.  Jerad asked if, since he couldn't make coffee, I wanted him to go to the gas station across the street and buy me some coffee there.  His treat.  I said no thanks, I was going to drink tea today anyways because I'd been sick with a sore throat.  Two hours later, I was dying of caffeine under-dose, but I would have felt like a dick going and buying myself some coffee after that.  I debated climbing out the window and making a break for the Shell station, but instead, I just dozed in my office until he went home for the day.

-----------------------------------

Jerad's birthday was a few days ago.  He must have thought that we give a crap about birthdays because he posted it on the office calendar like it was some sort of holiday.  Coincidentally, a client brought in a box of donuts for the office that same day.  Jerad took the donuts home with him when he left at noon because he thought they were his "birthday donuts".  The next day he sent everyone an email that said "Thanks for the birthday donuts" and it had a picture of a liger attached to it.

-----------------------------------

I sent out an email to my co-workers explaining that one of my clients is homeless now and asked that if he calls, would they please attempt to find out where he is.  Against my better judgement, I included Jerad on the email, mostly because he answers the phone.  He came to my office five minutes later to ask for a photo of the client so that he could make copies and write my cell phone number on the back and take them around to the shops downtown to hand them out.  I said no, that's not his job and we aren't a milk company posting lost children on the back of the cartons and I don't want this client (or anyone else, for that matter) having my cell number anyways.  He came back a few minutes later to ask for the file so that he could do some research on the guy.  I said no, he is just the secretary and he doesn't need to look through the files and I've already done all the research.  He said "So you don't really care if we find him, then?"  I said no.

------------------------------------

When Jerad heard that my mom is sick, he came into my office and cried.  He cried.  I'm not a big crier and I'm DEFINITELY not a public crier, so I was quite taken aback by this.  Then he sent me one of those forwarded forwarded forwarded emails about how if you eat 4 tablespoons of pureed asparagus per day, it will clear up your cancer in no time.  I replied, saying how he should probably get the word out because finding a cure for cancer using asparagus is a pretty big deal and don't we feel silly for spending all these billions of dollars on cancer research when we could have been using it to plant asparagus.  Then he came back and said he lost his mom two years ago to cancer and he wished he'd known about the asparagus when she was alive and I felt like a dick.


So I guess the moral of this blog is that Rae is a dick..........

Also, if I disappear before I leave this job, you might want to head over to Jerad's house because he's probably having a barbeque.