Tailgate Highlights

Today's episode of College Tailgate Final is brought to you by Peppermint Schnapps.

PRE-GAME:
Since it was cold, we made the big switch from cold beer mode into "hot toddy" mode.  I had to work all day, so Cody was in charge of tailgate preparation and bless him, he did a great job.  He pulled together an impressive tailgate spread of coffee with Irish cream and hot chocolate with two bottles of peppermint schnapps.  And hot dogs.  Cody was able to put away almost an entire bottle of schnapps before kickoff- very impressive stats.  He is REALLY preparing for this game.  We can certainly expect a top-notch performance out of him tonight.

FIRST QUARTER:
The team got off to a rocky start, so I spent the first quarter worrying about dropping in the polls and Cody spent the first quarter talking about how great Peppermint Schnapps is.  And admonishing me for doubting our inevitable national championship bid.
End of quarter score:  Broncos 3, Bulldogs 0

SECOND QUARTER:

Actual Conversation-
Cody:  "Babe!  We are the number one team in the country.  I know it!  We could beat anyone!  Bring it on!  We can take on anyone!
Rae:  "I dunno......we might lose to Ore....."
Cody:  "You're always doubting us.  You've been saying since day one that we would lose to Alabama, we would lose to Texas.....You're such a naysayer!"
Rae:  "Texas?  I never said we would lose to Tex...."
Cody:  "We would beat ANYONE.  Guaranteed."
Rae:  "Hey!  Back at the start of the season, I thought we might actually lose to Alabama.  Things changed.  I can change my mind if I want to!  I thought Alabama would be number 1 all season.  They weren't.  The only team I'm worried about anymore is Oregon.  I think Oregon actually might be able to beat us if we pla........."
Cody:  "Oregon?  Do you know what we would do to Oregon?  I will tell you what we would do to the Ducks.  We would take their butts and shove 'em up their asses....."
Rae:  ??????.....
End of quarter score:  Broncos 20, Bulldogs 0

HALFTIME: 
Back out at the tailgate, Cody puts away another half bottle of schnapps.  If he keeps these stats up, he might just have a record breaking night.  We don't see this kind of performance from him every game.  We are definitely dealing with one finely tuned athlete.

THIRD QUARTER:
I smuggled the remainder of our 2nd bottle of peppermint schnapps into the stadium in the waistband of my long underwear.  I decided, after some discussion, to put it in the front of my pants because no one would dare say anything right?  I could be pregnant or even just fat and NOBODY would dare say something, right?  They would be all "Excuse me, but it looks like you have something in the front of your shirt" and I'd be all "Are you saying I'm fat?" and I'd turn to Cody and start to cry because the ticket-taker said I look fat and the ticket taker would feel bad and we'd get free loge seats for next season.  That's how it plays out in my head, anyways.....   Long story short, I looked like I was pregnant.  With a peppermint booze baby.

End of quarter score:  Broncos 37, Bulldogs 0

FOURTH QUARTER:

Cody and I got into an interesting debate revolving around how many people in the stands had actually killed someone.   I clarified that I meant people who had gotten away with killing someone and NOT people who had been punished and done time for it.  Looking around, I KNEW there had to be some people there who had been keeping the body under their back porch as a dirty little secret for years and years.  I said that there must surely be 5 or 6. He said no, if there was ONE that would really be something.  Law enforcement is no slouch, he said.  There was MAYBE 1.  I said no, there had to be at least 5.  Then we debated about whether or not to count veterans who had served in active duty.
Final score:  Broncos 51, Bulldogs 0

POST-GAME:
By this time, the full effects of the Schnapps had been realized.  We had to take down the easy-up now.  This is not the easiest job.  For those of you who live in a hole and as such have never been to a tailgate party, this is what an easy-up looks like-

Me, I love the easy up.  I don't think it's been that big a pain to put up or take down and I enjoy the shade during hot tailgates and the shelter during rain/snow.  The easy-up, though, is the bane of Cody's existence and his dad's as well.  They affectionately refer to it as the "Easy up, Motherfucker down".
As we began to take down the easy up this particular night, something wasn't working quite right.  The supporting poles wouldn't bend in and collapse so we could fold it up. Cody was in no mood to mess with the thing.

 

Rather than attempt to determine the reason for the hang-up, the answer was clearly to use more force.  The longer Cody tried to get it to fold up, the more annoyed he got.  Pretty soon he was in a mint booze fueled episode.  There was no anger or shouting.  Just pure, unadulterated hate for the easy-up.  Finally, he did the only other thing he could think to do.  He judo-chopped the poles.

 Plastic pieces and chunks flew left and right.  Cody's brother-in-law and I were helpless bystanders, watching as Cody murdered the easy-up.  When he was done "fixing" it, it was totally mangled.

 

And then came his second brilliant solution.  Why not throw the now-mangled easy up in the dumpster?  Despite my protests, he insisted it was easily replaceable, if he even decided to get another, that was.  This was such a brilliant solution to centuries of struggles between the easy up and mankind.  As we dumbfoundedly assisted him in gathering the pieces and hauling the remains to the trash, he regaled us with loudly-told tales of past wars with the easy up. It seemed they had all been worth it now, as he heaved the busted up canopy into the dumpster.  He was jubilant with glee.  

And that is how the easy up died.  So if you're planning on coming to the next (last) tailgate of the season, you best bring your umbrella.

FINAL SCORE:  Cody 1, Easy up 0