How to Become a Cross Country Skier

Cross country skiing was invented thousands of years ago in South Dakota as a method of getting through 8 feet of snow to the outhouse to take a leak. Today, we have vehicles and indoor toilets, so it is no longer a practical mode of transportation. It gained popularity as a recreational sport in the mid 1960's when someone realized that riding a ski lift up the mountain and using gravity to get back down was definitely cheating. It is far more rewarding to plod precariously up one side of the hill with your skis on so that you may earn- and in fact, appreciate- the brief thrill of sliding down the other side.

There are a few important steps to take if you wish to become a cross country skier.


Step 1-Getting the Right Equipment
Equipment is very important. If you do not own or do not have access to good quality equipment, you will need to go to a rental shop instead. Keep in mind that rental shops do not like to rent out good equipment because they want to keep the magic of cross country skiing a secret in order to ensure the trails don't get too over-run with people. Cross country skis are typically long and thin, however most rental shops prefer to rent out an alternative model of cross country skis consisting of two short, wide planks of balsa wood with sandpaper glued to the bottom. They will also have cross country poles available. Make sure you get some. You will need them to help drag yourself across the snow when your rental skis inevitably fail to slide properly. It is also ideal to get some well-fitted boots, but it is not likely that your local rental shop will offer well-fitted boots. Instead, most rental shops offer several varieties of poorly made, shitty boots for your renting pleasure. The bonus of renting shitty boots instead of buying good ones is that the rentals are cheaper and come with free blisters.

 Here is what good equipment looks like:

 

Here is what rental equipment looks like:

Step 2-  Finding a Barney
When going cross country skiing, you should always have a Barney with you.  Barneys are natural-born cross country skiers and they can help you to learn good technique.  They also keep you motivated by shooting down the trail at breakneck speed, forcing you to either keep up with their grueling pace or get lost in the woods by yourself.  They can also distract you from your cardiac arrest by occasionally stopping to point out how beautiful the mountains are this time of year and offer you a drink of their plastic flavored water (this will be explained later on).

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*A Helpful Tip*

If you have ever downhill skied, it can work to your advantage when cross country skiing.  The basic principles of turning and slowing down apply to both types of skiing.  The benefit of cross country skis is that they are much lighter and more slippery than downhill skis, so when you crash, the force of your ski cracking your forehead as you roll down the mountain is much less damaging to your skull.

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Step 3- Proper Technique
When you first set out on your cross country skis, you need to understand proper form and technique.  Think of running, only with more sliding in it.  If you're doing it correctly, your feet will occasionally curl up into a ball inside your cross country boot.  As you get better, this will happen less frequently, or else you will be too tired to care.  Either way can be considered progress.  When you get to a downhill section of the trail, you must put your skis into a "snowplow" like this so that you don't plummet forward to your death:

When you reach an uphill section, you must "herringbone" by pointing the tip of your skis outward and waddling up the hill like a duck.  You must be mindful of your skis, taking care not to let them cross over each other behind you, as this will cause you to fall, twisting your leg in an unnatural fashion and rendering your knees useless.  If you get tired and need to stop to rest, remember to keep your skis pointed outward or else you will plummet backward to your death.  A proper herringbone stance should look like this:

Step 4- Levels of Difficulty
In cross country skiing, there are a few different levels of difficulty.  Just like downhill skiing, there are green circle trails for beginners, which are usually flat, perhaps with a few gentle slopes.  There are blue square trails, which are more intense than green circle trails but they will not kill you.  There are also black diamond trails.  These should not be compared to the black diamond trails you would experience when downhill skiing. They are not nearly as steep or terrifying.  You can, however, expect to encounter some rigorous ups.  These will be relatively difficult for new skiers, but quite simple if you are a mountain goat.

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*A Helpful Tip*

If, during a run on a black diamond cross country trail, you experience left-side numbness, shooting groin pain, dry heaving, or loss of bowel and bladder control, it is advisable to stop and rest as soon as you're able to drag yourself to the side of the trail.  Make sure you get out of the way quickly.  If you collapse without removing yourself from the trail, you could get run down by a pack of professional skate skiers.  You will not know this has happened until you regain consciousness with your face down in the icy powder.  The only thing you will remember is a blur of neon spandex and pain.

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Step 5- Staying Hydrated

It is very imperative that you drink plenty of water when you are cross country skiing.  Some skiers prefer to use a Camel Back.  If you are not familiar with this piece of equipment, it is a backpack with a compartment in the back just big enough to hold a rubber bladder that you can fill with water.  There is a hose attached to the bladder that runs out of the pack and up the shoulder strap so that you can drink the water at your convenience.  For anyone who does not enjoy the refreshing taste of melted rubber tire, there is also a storage pouch in which you can stow a bottle of filtered mineral water.  Even if you intend to engage in cross country skiing on a regular basis, there is no need to purchase your own Camel Back, as your Barney should come equipped with one and can haul your water bottle for you.  The key to staying hydrated is to stop every ten minutes for a drink, making your Barney hold your gloves and poles so that you can dig your water bottle out of his backpack.  Your Barney may offer to purchase you your very own Camel Back in a subtle attempt to convey his annoyance.  You should politely dismiss his offers, reminding him that is much more preferable for him to carry your water and perhaps a snack and extra gloves and your hat and the camera too.  If you do bring your camera, remember to stop and take some artsy photos of trees each time you have a water break.  

Step 6- Dressing in Layers

Anyone who has been downhill skiing knows that you must bundle up in the thickest, warmest clothing imaginable, as you could very well freeze to death as you ride the chair lift to the top of the mountain.  This is not a problem you will face when cross country skiing because there is no chair lift and you're exercising.  It is wisest to wear several thin layers instead.  Think of yourself as a Russian Nesting doll.  I recommend that your outer layer be a windbreaker or fleece and some insulated snow pants.  Underneath that, a long sleeved shirt or thermal underwear top with thick leggings or long johns.  Underneath that, a t-shirt and bike shorts.  Underneath that, a bikini or speedo.

Most people tend to start out with all their layers and arrive at the end of the trail in their underpants.  If you are keeping your body at a proper cross country skiing temperature, the heat radiating off of your sweaty hide should be melting the snow behind you as you ski.  This is helpful if a murderer who is also on cross country skis is chasing you, but useless if he is in tennis shoes or has a gun. This brings us to another useful function of your Barney- he will stuff your discarded layers into his Camel Back as you strip down.  This has the added benefit of increasing the weight of the pack and thereby keeping him in top physical condition for future ski trips.  It also gives him a "handicap" so that his performance level will decrease and he will be skiing closer to your amateur level.  If ever you're having a rough day and don't feel like you're "on your game", adding a few bricks to the Camel Back is helpful.  Barneys have a natural tendency to try to "crush" everyone around them at cross country skiing, so a few dozen extra pounds will help inhibit his ability to do so.

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By now, you should be familiar with the basic concepts of cross country skiing.  All you have left is to master the proper terminology.  To ease this process, I have provided a glossary of cross country ski terms for you to study.  

Apres ski ("ah-pray skee"):  This is a french term meaning "after ski"; it is used to refer to the ad-nauseam discussion of snow conditions, ski quality, and past and future ski trips that takes place over food and beers directly after completing a day of skiing; usually does not occur unless at least one Barney is present and can become quite lengthy with the addition of multiple pitchers of beer and/or hot wings.  

Breaking out:  This refers to when the skiing conditions are such that your skis do not glide worth a damn, instead sliding backward slightly with each movement of your feet;  breaking out can also be used as an excuse when you are beat all to hell and skiing like total crap.

Fish scales:  This is the name given to the layered scale-like materials that cover the two feet of ski directly under your boots; it is intended to prevent your skis from sliding backward when going uphill.  If your girlfriend is inexplicably keeping up with you, despite the fact that she is an amateur and you are a professional, you should both remove your skis so that you can compare the fish scales on each pair.  You should then point out that your girlfriend's fish scales are in much better shape because she has not used her skis nearly as often as you have.  Fish scales are a frequent apres ski topic.

Glide wax:  This is a soft, colored, waxy substance that is rubbed onto the bottom of your skis before embarking on a day of cross country skiing; it is intended to achieve maximum glide across the snow; however, should you find yourself performing at less than your best, you may blame the glide wax, informing everyone in your party that you would be skiing much more efficiently if the glide wax wasn't slowing you down.  On the other hand, if you have left the others in the dust, you should not credit the wax, but rather your superior skills, before suggesting to the others that perhaps they need some glide wax.

Off piste ("off-peest"):  This is a European term meaning "off trail"; it refers to skiing that is done away from marked and groomed trails; when skiing with a Barney, it is typically used in a tongue-in-cheek fashion as a way to scoff at ultra-cool Euro douches encountered along the trails. This can also be altered to "off-pissed" when referring to leaving the trail to take a whiz behind a tree, as in "I'm going 'off-pissed'."

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Last month, Cody and I took a trip to Sun Valley with his parents to ski at Galena Lodge.  The skiing there is incredible and, actually, considered one of the best ski areas in the western United States.  Here are some photos from our adventures.........

I'm Not Dumbledore

So, I have five more followers than I did yesterday, which is super duper fun times!  Problem is, if we have never met, it's quite possible that I  have no idea who you are and I'm not a wizard and I can't use the force to find out.  If we reach the "50 followers mark" and I find myself distributing cupcakes o' awesomeness, I'll need to know how the heck I know you so that I can get yours to you.  So do me a favor and identify yourself or else my dad will eat your cupcake for you.  And that would be totally sad for you.........
P.S.  If you will leave your email address for me as well, I'll add you to the blog notification list so that you'll get an email whenever I post a new blog post.  It will basically be like I'm sprinkling your inbox with fairy dust.

OK, Here's the Deal........

I talked it over with Cody and he informed me that my writing and cartoon-ing skills are being "squandered" by hiding my blog in the furthest, darkest corner of the internets, undetectable to search engines.  He says that I deserve many more than 10 followers.

After mulling this over for a while, I have decided to go public.  I have changed the blog settings so that my blog will now come up in google searches.  It was a bold step.  So, now your job is to send my blog to everyone you know who might be remotely amused by my writing and cartoons.  If I can get enough followers, perhaps I can just blog  for a living by applying for a writing job and using this blog as my writing sample.  And make cakes on the side.  This would be ideal.

So get the word out.  My goal is to have 50 followers by the end of March.  If you help me achieve this, I promise to give every follower a cupcake.  A delicious cupcake.  So get busy because my cupcakes are really good.

How to NOT Have a Crappy Valentine's Day- Tips for Women

Since I posted some Valentine's Day tips for men, I figured it would be helpful to post some tips for the women, too.  I want to make sure everyone has a super-fantastic-non-disappointing "holiday".

Ladies, some of you are single and some of you aren't.  For all you single ladies, I have a pretty good idea that you might not be very happy about today being Valentine's Day.  You may have even called it Fake Over-Commercialized Sucks-To-Be-Single Pretend Love Day.  I know this because I have been single on Valentine's day and I wasn't very happy about it.   Single women sometimes view being single as a very unfortunate burden.  You view your singleness as a medical condition, like diabetes or scoliosis.  You do not have love scoliosis.  I swear.  

You probably hate Valentine's Day because your last Valentine's Day went something like this:

You spent all day pacing back and forth, listening for the doorbell because you had a fantasy that a delivery from a secret admirer would come for you- most likely eight dozen roses with a precious gem in the center of each one.  In your fantasy, the secret admirer would show up on your doorstep, revealing himself to be that really muscular tall guy that you're always winking at in the produce section or your long-lost high school sweetheart who just left his wife because he's still in love you after all these years. 

By about 5pm when this hadn't happened (in fact, nothing arrived from ANYONE, not even your mother), you began to suspect that you might actually be pathetic.  You decided that if your day ended with you at home alone, you would curl up and die.  In a panic, you called your other single friends and made plans to go out on the town together because dammit, you are smart, independent women and you don't need a man anyways.  You got all dressed up and went to the local grab-assery, where you pretended that this was the exact way you wanted to spend Valentine's Day all along.  Six dry martinis later, you were sitting on a random guy's lap, telling him what a douche canoe your ex boyfriend is.  Later, after a sloppy makeout session on the pool table, Random Guy got a booty call text from his ex and decided you were too sloppy to put out, so he told you he was going to the bathroom and never came back.  Crestfallen and three sheets to the wind, you got a cab home alone, leaving your wallet on the floor in the back seat in a drunken stupor.  At home, you conducted one last thorough inspection of the house and yard and garage to check for the secret admirer flowers that didn't come earlier.  You probably twisted your ankle trying to survey the yard for presents in your high heels.  When no flowers were found, you cried and looked at photos of old boyfriends and listened to Mariah Carey songs before finally drunk-texting an incoherent message to your ex to tell him that you hate him and you think he's a gigantic butthole and you can't live without him.  When you got no reply, you crawled into bed, still wearing your stilettos and sobbed yourself to sleep.  The next day, you called in sick with a hangover and spent the day wallowing in shame and looking for your wallet with one bloodshot eye. While this exact scenario is totally hypothetical and certainly not based on my own personal experience, it's probably eerily similar to your own sad Valentine's Day experiences.

If you AREN'T single, you may have experienced a different- albeit no less disappointing- Valentine's Day. 

Your disappointment began when you woke up and your significant other was not peering at you lovingly as he slipped an important piece of jewelry onto your hand by sliding it down a pink satin ribbon tied to your finger.  There was not even a tray on the dresser with blueberry pancakes and a mimosa and a love note written on truffle scented paper.  You got ready for work, telling yourself you were totally not expecting confetti to pop out every time you opened a cabinet.  When this did not happen, you told yourself that you didn't care if you got anything for Valentine's Day because your love is above all the "material bullshit".  This was a lie.  Every time a person walked into your workplace with flowers, your heart did a backflip only it landed on its face because the flowers were for that bimbo in accounting.  You felt really sorry for yourself, not realizing that she either sent them to herself, or her significant other sent them to her because last Valentine's Day he forgot about her plans to make him a heart-shaped meatloaf for dinner and went to a nude love-in instead.  When the day ended with no presents at your office, you decided that he must have something big up his sleeve and was surely waiting for just the right moment to give it to you. Before you walked in the door at home, you smoothed your hair, put on some lip gloss, and walked in grandly, bracing yourself for the hallelujah chorus and the blinding glare of a 19 carat diamond.  Instead, you found him doing pull-ups or scratching himself while watching The Man Show.  You spent the rest of the night dropping hints about your hopefulness/disappointment.  After you cooked dinner and did the dishes, you found a red envelope on the counter that contained a card from him that he bought at the gas station.  It said something extremely romantic like "I can't believe I'm not sick of you" or "thanks for not being a crappy cook".  You pretend to be ecstatic about the  gas station card and then punish him for the next six weeks by refusing to wear anything but your granny panties and a sweatsuit. 

We do this to ourselves because our estrogen is hard at work, weaving beautiful delusions about diamonds and proposals and tender forehead kisses.  When this happens we should remember to stop it and cowboy up because real love is not about hearts and flowers, its about finding someone you can tolerate.  

Try these helpful hints to have a not so crappy Valentine's Day.......

Tips for Single Ladies

It is best to not treat this day like a holiday at all.  It's just another whoop-de-doo invented by greeting card companies as a ploy to make four billion dollars from greeting card sales and gross pastel heart candies made out of Tums.  You're not going to get a special delivery or a fairy tale ending because those only happen on Lifetime movies.  This doesn't have to mean that your life is a turd sandwich or that no one loves you.  It's just the way life is.  Also, do not go home tonight and watch Lifetime movies.

Tips for Ladies with Husbands/Boyfriends 

You might be under the impression that your man should already have the greatest day of your life all planned out. This is mostly to blame on David's bridal and commercials for Jared's Fine Jewelry and Katherine Heigl movies.   Unless celebrating Valentine's day makes both of you feel like you're riding a unicorn to Candyland, it's ok to skip it.  No one will die.

If you do decide to observe Valentine's day, here is some handy advice:  

Remember that men only want two things- a back-rub and some sex.  Actually, forget the backrub.  Just put on a rubber leotard and point your heels to Jesus.  Furthermore, it's ok to give him sex or presents on days other than Valentine's Day.  Boxing Day or Military Discount Day or Thursday will work just fine, too.  
Also, men don't care if you don't get them a present for Valentine's day.  They probably only got you one because they were afraid of what would happen if they didn't.  As far as they are concerned, a great present is not yelling at him when he farts in bed or shutting up about the toilet seat or not telling his friends when you walk in to find him watching "Love, Actually" on TV.  
Yes, your significant other loves you.  No, he is not going to hire the Air Force to write a love sonnet in the sky or commission a mural of your face on the capitol building or propose on the jumbotron at a sporting event or hike to Chile to mine you a diamond out of a sacred cave.  It's not that he doesn't care.  It's just that he would never think of these things because his puny mind is already working overtime just to remember your middle name.   Men can only think of one thing at a time and that thing is usually a sport or a beer.  Their brains are not wired romantically.  If we get mad at them because our lofty Valentine's expectations go unmet, they will look at us the same way a dog might look at you after you rub his nose in week-old carpet poo.  And just so you know, this same look will result if you say something brilliant to him, like "I want you to want to go to the ballet with me."  Just stop it with that crap already.

I hope these handy tips will help you ladies to have a less depressing holiday than last year.  

Stay tuned for my next "How-To" post entitled "How to Become a Cross Country Skier"..........

How to Have a Happy Valentine's Day- Tips for Men

Men do not understand Valentine's day.  I do not understand it either, but I am a girl so I know how these things work.  As such, I have carefully laid out some instructions for how to execute Valentine's Day plans in a manner that will appease your girlfriend/wife.  I'm just trying to make your life easier here, guys.

If you haven't already planned something, you obviously didn't know that by now, you should already have arranged for the greatest night of your girlfriend's/wife's life.  You had better get busy because you know how uncomfortable the sofa bed is.  

Things Men Should Know About Valentine's Day  

Before we get to the instructions, there is some important background information to cover.  There are two reasons we celebrate Valentine's Day.  Neither of them have anything to do with pudgy, naked, winged children or any historical patron saint named St. Valentine who saved the world from destruction with overpriced greeting cards.  

The first reason we celebrate Valentine's Day is because this is the only day that it is socially acceptable to show affection to one another.  Tomorrow, you can go back to not noticing her haircut and not complimenting her new Talbot's capri-pants and she will go back to nagging you about the broken faucet and reminding you about that time you got her the wrong tampons at the store.  But for today, you must appear to be madly in love and you must demonstrate this to her and everyone else.  If you don't, that means you don't love your significant other and your relationship is total crap.  

Another reason we celebrate Valentine's Day is so that women can show off to her friends and co-workers that her husband/boyfriend loves her more than theirs love them.  Your job is to have enough extravagant gifts sent to her office so that her co-workers are monstrously jealous of her because their gifts are unimpressive by comparison. If any co-workers didn't receive gifts at all, she will act sympathetic, but she will be doing cartwheels on the inside because this means she will not die alone.  Imagine, if you will, male peacocks in the wild.  Whichever of them has the biggest, brightest display of feathers is the winner.  Except if you really loved your female, you would yank out your feathers and have them made into an expensive boa for her instead of showing them off to the other guys.  If you do not do this, she will still go back to nagging you tomorrow like always, but it will be with a renewed intensity, for hell hath no fury like a woman with inferior Valentine's presents.

Just remember this:  all the other significant others out there are trying to one-up you and if you don't make your plans the best ones, she will see all of her friends' significant others doing better things than you did.  You don't want this.  If this happens, she will use this fact as ammunition in any future arguments by pointing out that so-and-so's husband/boyfriend bought so-and-so a chinchilla ranch last Valentine's day and  you can't even remember to pick up your dirty underpants off the floor.

Directions for a Successful Holiday

In order to pull off a successful Valentine's Day extravaganza, you must carefully plan your her day according to the following model:

In addition to the expensive presents delivered to her office, there should be a scavenger hunt awaiting her when she gets off work.  The first scavenger hunt clue should be written on a napkin from the cocktail bar where you had your first date and should be pinned to the front of an enormous stuffed bear holding another dozen roses that you have secretly placed in the seat of her car at some point while she was working.  The scavenger hunt should lead her all over town to every place the two of you ever kissed.  At the end of the scavenger hunt, she will arrive by horse-drawn carriage at a dimly lit restaurant where you will be waiting with a private table for two and candles.  You should be looking dapper in a freshly pressed tuxedo.  This is when you propose.  

How long you have been dating is irrelevant.  If it's been six weeks or even six days, a proposal will be spontaneous and uber romantic.  It will most certainly work out because you were romantic and daring enough to propose even though she hasn't told you yet that she's allergic to birth control or has a twin sister who dances topless at Chubby's or plans on having at least eleven children someday.  It is crazy and whimsical, so it must be love.  If you've been together for six months, this is the ideal opportunity to propose because six months is more than enough time to know everything about someone and you shouldn't make her wait any longer to become Mrs. Whatsyourface.   If it's been six years, a proposal is long overdue and if you DON'T propose, you are probably hiding your addiction to kiddie porn or cheating on her and definitely afraid of commitment, so she will have no choice but to dump you.  Whatever the time frame, a proposal is a really great idea because it's Valentine's day.  

It is important to remember when proposing on Valentine's Day that the ring is the most important aspect of the proposal.  In addition to costing you at least two year's salary, the ring should be a custom-made replica of her great-great grandmother's engagement ring.  You will be able to have it made to exact specifications because her mom gave you a photo of it when you went to her parent's house to ask their permission.  They will, of course, grant you permission, but only after her mom cries and makes you look at her own wedding photos and her dad takes you out back to have a manly "heart-to-heart" while you drink whiskey and shoot guns together.

The only appropriate way to propose is to hide the custom made ring in her creme brulee. You should hide it in the dessert and not the appetizer because if you propose first thing, the rest of the dinner will seem like a let-down.  You should let the anticipation build for the entire meal. In addition, you should have the inside of the ring engraved with a lovey catch phrase, like "You're my snugglebum" or "I'm shit without you".  When she sees it, you should get down on one knee and ask her to make you the happiest man in the world because everyone knows that getting married is what will make you the happiest man in the world and NOT season tickets to the lingerie football league.  Once she says yes, she will begin to cry and this will cue a trio of musicians who will play "Here Comes the Bride" on violins as you leave the restaurant and get into a stretch limo waiting out front.  You'll tell her that you're going for "celebratory drinks".

The "celebratory drinks" should actually be a pre-arranged surprise engagement party with her entire family and all of her friends at the cocktail bar where you had your first date.  This will make her friends jealous, which is a bonus for her because that's one of the points of Valentine's Day.  At exactly 10:19, the lounge band should call for a toast and everyone will cheer while you dance to "your song" as heart-shaped confetti falls from a trap door in the ceiling, which you should have already paid the restaurant to install last week just for this special occasion.  

 The evening should end with a drive to a secluded place above the city where you made love for the first time in the backseat of his Taurus.  Make sure to write "Just Engaged" on the rear window of the car.  Your natural inclination here might be to initiate sex.  This is wrong.  You should instead ask to please cuddle on the hood of the car wrapped in a blanket because your relationship is about so much more than sex and you really value her as a person.  Take some time to point out constellations in the sky.  This will not only show her how intelligent and philosophical you are, but also give her a good view for when the plane flies by towing the glow-in-the-dark banner that says "I love you, Mrs. Whatsyourface." 

After all of this is over, you should go home, where you have sprinkled no less than $200 worth of rose petals in a trail from the front door up to the bedroom.  She will then remember that in the excitement of the evening, she forgot to give you her gift.  She will present you with a handmade scrapbook containing little love notes and lyrics from "your song" and pictures of the two of you doing couply things together.  She will point out that her gift wasn't as expensive as yours, but it took her at least 37 hours to make and it's even more valuable than your $42,000 date night because her ripest, most emotion-ey feelings went into it. You must act surprised and overjoyed when you receive it.  The most successful way to do this is to pretend that she has just given you season tickets to the lingerie football league.  She will then cry and remark that this whole day has been just like a movie with this stuff happening in it.  You should probably go ahead and initiate sex now because if you don't the evening will be ruined when she realizes you didn't initiate sex and therefore must either be gay or think she's unattractive.  Should she reach this conclusion, you will have ruined her life, so the  $42,000 date will have been nullified.  After you do have sex, you must then snuggle for no less than 3 hours.

If you are already married, the same procedures still apply, only you will be asking her to re-marry you instead of marry you.  The same steps should be taken, only the new ring must be at least twice as nice as the first one and you should have a preacher on hand to renew your vows right there in front of everyone.  You should probably have some pre-written vows on hand so you don't say the wrong thing.  If you don't, its okay because she can probably provide you some from her own wallet that she had on hand just in case you ever re-proposed so you would know exactly what she wants you to say.

If you haven't already planned out an evening very similar to this one, you should probably make reservations at a singles bar for tonight because if she hasn't gotten any presents by now, you're probably single.

Hire Me

So, I'm sure its not a secret to any of you that my current job makes me want to gouge my eyeballs out with a rusty spoon.  If I could just make cakes for a living, I would not want to engage in eye-gouging.  This is where all of you come in.  You see, you should all begin to buy cakes from me.  Cakes for every occasion.  I can do mini cakes and cake bites and cake balls and cupcakes and big cakes.  There is always a reason to have a cake.  Your kid made honor roll?  CAKE!  You passed your emissions test? CAKE!  You paid off your Blockbuster late fees?  CAKE!  You can even have cake for sad occasions because eating cake always makes you feel better.  You got dumped?  Cake.  Your goldfish died?  Cake.  You have gout?  Cake.  Making cakes for people makes me feel like my insides are being tickled by rainbows.  And the BONUS is that I don't have to get fat because YOU'RE eating them instead of me.  My current diet and exercise program is prohibitive of eating cake, but it doesn't say anything about MAKING cakes for other people.  So buy some cakes from me.  If enough of you buy cakes from me,  I can give my current job the big eff you and make cakes all day, which is my dream.  So tell your friends.  Tell your neighbors.  Tell your mailman.  Tell them they need cakes.  I figure if you all buy a cake a week, I can quit my job on Monday and if you each tell three friends to buy a cake a week, I'll have my own Food Network show by mid-March.


In case you needed some extra persuasion, here is my complete cake portfolio for your perusing:

Know what would be great for breakfast all week next week?  Lucious red velvet cake with lemon mascarpone cream cheese frosting. 

How about a wedge of dense buttermilk chocolate with velvety swiss buttercream?  You want that........

Doesn't a hunk of moist vanilla cinnamon cake with whipped almond buttercream sound delicious right now? 

Thanks to my cleverly placed subliminal messages,  you might have an inexplicable yearning for cake now.  You should probably order cakes for your next two dozen events before I'm booked solid.  Get cracking, people- the cakes aren't going to order themselves.

The Woman Who Had No Face

My current glasses are about ten years old.  I often fall asleep in them watching tv and then I take them off in my sleep and roll over on them, rendering them wobbledy and ill-fitted.  So I decided to get new ones.  This morning I went to this web site I heard about (Thank you, Rick!!) called Zenni Optical to order some glasses.  On this site, you can order ridiculously cheap glasses- like, $7, $10, $15 including lenses.  It's like they're giving the shit away. 

They have this feature where you can upload your picture to "try on" the different glasses.  I uploaded my picture and got this error message:

Apparently I am a non-entity. 

The Party of Two is NOT Going to Hawaii *UPDATED!!

*This blog has been updated.  I hope everyone (read: Erin) is happy with it now*

A few weeks ago, I posted a blog about how Cody and I decided to go to Bora Bora for Christmas next year.  I made pictures to go with it.  

Yesterday, Cody informed me that my map showing Bora Bora was *actually* incorrect.  The little finger was *actually*, he said, pointing at Hawaii.  He made sure to point out my error in the comments section.

Geography has never been my strong point.  As far as I'm concerned, this is an updated version of what a map of the world looks like:

 *I only know where Bora Bora is because of Cody.  Thanks, Cody!

*After reviewing my reader comments, I have updated this map to include several other points of interest.

Being a semi-intelligent being, I wanted to rectify my error, so I asked Cody to point out where Bora Bora *actually* is on a map and he did.  Apparently I was looking at a used Taco Time napkin instead of an Atlas, so you can see how I would have gotten confused.

I would like to apologize for my egregious geographical oversight and assure you that I will not be making any further geographical errors in blog posts because from now on, I will have Cody proofread them first to ensure accuracy.  Meantime, I'll be sure to brush up on my world maps so that I don't get kicked off of our Applebee's trivia night team.  Here is a corrected version of the picture, which I have also replaced in the original post to hide my ignorance correct my mistake.

Actual Conversations: Toe Edition

Cody and I have been watching our food intake lately, so we've been pretty vigilant about our fat and booze consumption.  We're trying to limit ourselves to one serving of healthy fat per day.  Yesterday after dinner, Cody told me his toe felt like painy-sick-deathfulness.  The fat intake and the toe are unrelated, I just have no way to transition smoothly between the two topics.  He shows me his toe and I deduce that he has an ingrown toenail.  I knew what to do with it, having endured dozens of ingrown toenails during my years as a dancer.  I went upstairs and got my nail kit and I remedied the offending toe the same way I have done dozens of times before with my own toes.  I assured him it would take a few days, but that it would heal up and stop hurting soon.  This morning at work we had the following instant message conversation regarding the toe situation:

Cody says:
 My toe is killing me today
 Can hardly walk on it

Rae says:

 Is it?  I'm sorry!  It'll heal.

Cody says:
 I woke up at 3am... it was killing me.

Rae says:

 Well, go to a podiatrist

Cody says:
 There's no way I can effectively work out with it hurting like this...

Rae says:

 Does it feel hot?

 Like, to the touch?

Cody says:
 I dunno... I haven't touched it.
 Why?

Rae says:

Well, if it feels hot to the touch, it might be infected or something.  You could have an infection in your toe bone.  It happens sometimes.......

Cody says:
Seriously?

Rae says:

It might just be that it needs a couple days to heal, babe. 

I mean, ingrown toenails really suck

Cody says:
 Yeah... walking today hurt like a mother......
 This morning for breakfast I had a teaspoon of olive oil.

Rae says:

 ?

Cody says:
 And some coffee from Moxie... but they put too much sugar and cream in it.

Rae says:

 I'm sorry.....go back to the olive oil?

Cody says:
 What about it?

Rae says:

 Why would you eat a spoonful of olive oil?

Cody says:
 That's a good way to get your metabolism going....

Rae says:

 Says who??  That is icky, babe.  How did you even manage to choke it down?

Cody says:
 I read about this guy that wanted to lose weight... and he used olive oil as a way to stop fat cravings and it worked really well.
 Not that I'm craving fats or anything.

Rae says:

Where did you read that?

Cody says:
 I can't remember

Rae says:

 Hmm.....well, ok.  Whatever twirls your beanie.

Cody says:
 So, that was my fat for the day.

Rae says:

 I can't believe you wasted your fat for the day on a spoonful of olive oil.  That's sad.

 But if it works it works, I guess..........

Cody says:
 Anyway, yeah...

Rae says:

WebMD says that you should keep your toenails at a moderate length- like, even with the end of your toe- to prevent ingrown toenails

Cody says:
 As opposed to cutting them too short?

Rae says:

 Yes.  If you cut them too short, they can get ingrown

Cody says:
 Hmmm... well OK
 Maybe that's what I did

Rae says:

Who knows......just trying to help.

Cody says:
But now that one edge of my toenail is REALLY short...

Rae says:

But it's short in width, not length

Right?

Cody writes:

Rae says:

 LMFAO!!!!!

 Did you just draw that just now?

Cody says:
 Yeah

Rae says:

ROFLOL!!!!!!

Cody says:
 That's my toenail

Rae says:

 I know what it is.

Cody says:
So I hope that one edge doesn't start digging into my toe again...
Cuz it's cut waaaay back

Rae says:

It probably will.  You'll probably have to have it amputated

Cody says:
Well at least then I could exercise

Rae says:

 Without your big toe?

 You severely underestimate how important your big toe is for balance.

 You should probably go to a podiatrist so he can saw off that half of your nail bed.

Cody says:
 Seriously?

Rae says:

Well, if people have chronic ingrown toenails, sometimes they remove a portion of the nail bed to prevent it from growing there anymore.

Cody says:
Well I don't think mine is chronic quite yet....

Rae says:

But given that your toe isn't oozing or bleeding, I think you'll probably get over it

Is it oozing?

Cody says:
No, no

Rae says:

Is your toe bulbous?

Cody says:
Well... yeah... but it always is.

Rae says:

No, I mean is it MORE bulbous than usual?  Like this-

Cody says:
 LOL!
 No, if it looked like that I'd probably be at the doctor right now.

Rae says:

So it's probably not infected. 

It's just your garden variety ingrown toenail.

Cody says:
It feels OK as long as I don't put weight on it.

Rae says:

Cowboy up- it'll heal.

Cody Says:
Yeah......

Rae says:

OMG!

I totally know what's wrong.  I know what it is.

Cody says:
 ?

Rae says:

You have vaginitis in your toe.

[Cody has signed out of messenger]

The Poop Squad

Allow us to introduce you to our two cats, Moe and Trooper.  Cody has dubbed them The Poop Squad.

I've had Moe since he was born under my mom's bed when I was 9 and I have successfully kept him alive, fat, and happy for the last 16 years.  We acquired Trooper on a trip to visit my uncle in Lewiston a year ago.  She was diseased, blind, and clinging to life in a sawdust pile.  We hauled her home and brought her back from the brink of death with three different medications and a couple of trips to the vet.  She is very skittish and runs away every time someone sneezes.  Cody loves this effing cat (despite frequent declarations to the contrary).   He is the only person who can pick her up and she's even started sleeping at his feet on the bed.  He has a special squeaky voice that he uses whenever he talks to her.  When he sees her he says "Helloooo Miss Priss!" and when he feeds her he says "It's time for the FOODIES!" and when we go to bed he says "Bedtime for KITTEHS!!!" He is not alone in ridiculousness.  I call the cats "my friendlies" and I have conversations with them, answering for Moe with my best impersonation of Eric Cartman and imagining Trooper as a sullen young emo cat who refuses to speak, instead writing responses to me in crayon with some of the letters reversed. 

Now let me tell you a little story about how these two beasts of burden repay our kindness............

About two weeks ago, I was decorating a cake in the kitchen when Cody informed me that he was going to clean out the litter boxes.  I told him to just wait and let me do it, but he insisted he could handle it.  A few minutes later, he came back downstairs.  His foul mood actually entered the room a few seconds before he did.  He informed me that both cats were going to the pound.  He reported that there had been some sort of security breach in one of the upstairs litter boxes.

I did my level best not to laugh at his hair-trigger gag reflex as he explained, between violent gags, the carnage that had unfolded upstairs.

I managed to retain my composure until he left the room.  After he went back upstairs to finish his doody duty, I collapsed into hysteria.

Apparently at some point during the last few days, the cats had held a meeting and decided that they were tired of our oppressive litter box regimen.  They would no longer be subjected to the indignity of relieving themselves where they had been forced to.  In order to most forcefully protest our authority, they began to practice what can only be described as free-range pissing and shitting- just outside the confines of the box.

From his description, I can only imagine it looked something like this:

We would have no choice, Cody said, but to burn down the house with the cats inside and then get a new house that doesn't have cats in it.

After some deliberation, we decided that until an enclosed litter box could be purchased, we would have to construct some sort of barrier to prevent the cats from future carpet-pissing.  Working together, we creatively constructed an "accident proof" litter box area in the closet using a board, a ripped open Hefty lawn bag, and some masking tape left over from our painting project.  The cats sat together nearby, watching with disdain as we labored.  While we worked, Cody pondered out loud to himself about which one of them could possibly have instigated this heinous crime by firing the first shot.  He's sent the samples to the lab for analyzing, but we don't have any results yet. Once we know, we will shave the culprit bald and turn him or her loose outside to fend for themselves in the cold.  He's also investigating a motive, but I'm sticking with my cat-powered "damn the man" revolution theory.

By the time we were finished, the setup looked like this:

It wasn't pretty, but it got the job done.  At least we hoped it would.  After the construction process was over, Cody turned and issued a challenge to the poop squad.  "Do your worst, you stinky buttholes!"  Trooper slunk to the ground and sped out of the room, but Moe simply sat there, glaring at Cody with his ears back as if to say "Oh I will, you sad little man....I will."

Later that evening, I was in the rec room watching a movie when the MVP of the poop squad waddled into the room.  After a few sniffs at the litter box in there (which is an enclosed, error-proof box), he reached up with his evil little paw and attempted to push open the closet door a little further- presumably to get in the closet alongside the box and take a big smelly doody on the floor.  I indulged my oft recurring impulse to throw things (see this post) and hucked a magazine at him.  This seemed to get the message across, in addition to satisfying my need for revenge.

There were no apparent problems with either litter box for a few days.  Then on Thursday, when I walked in the door after work, I noticed an aroma that could only be described as "zoo".  It had been awhile since we changed the boxes, so I took it upon myself to go upstairs and change them, hoping to eliminate the pissy odor before Cody got home and hauled both cats out into the countryside to dump them off.  Why did I cover for them?  I don't know.  I guess we have a love/hate relationship.  When I pulled the box out of the closet to dump it, this is what I saw:

 One of them had obviously hung their hind end over the edge of the box and taken a big leak to show us what they thought of our newly crafted barrier.  Touche, beasts of burden, touche.

I have since made improvements to the design, adding additional weight behind the barrier and more masking tape for extra hold.  We will not surrender this war, dear friends.  For you see, we are humans and they are cats.  We have opposable thumbs and advanced problem solving skills.  We have superior intellects.  We have utilized the History Channel's programming to educate ourselves regarding military tactics because we can work the remote control.  No ammunition is too harsh.  We can institute a food embargo or lock them in the bathroom or invite Dwayne's pitbull over to play.  I am currently formulating some strategies for our next move:

 

We may not have won the battle, but we will win the war.  Bring it on, Poop Squad.......