Friday, April 12, 2013

If You Help Me With This, I'll Ship My Pants

.....Literally, I'll ship my pants.  To you.  I don't know what you will do with them.  But if you will help me something, I'll ship my pants to you.   Thank you, Jimi, for the reference.  Epic.

Ok, you want my pants?  I mean, I know you might want IN my pants (JK).  If you genuinely want me to ship my pants to you, I will.  But really you should just be nice and help me because it won't take that long.

It's about my new hobby.  Two words.....ROLLER DERBY.  I'm in love with it.  I pretty much loathe every minute I'm NOT wearing my beautiful, wonderful AMAZING gorgeous speed skates.  It's like gliding my feet around atop a glorious ocean of butter.  With rainbows shooting out of my butt.  And a chardonnay waterfall........Sorry.  Mental fantasy terminated.

ANYWAY, I need help picking a derby name.  I originally thought my teammates would give me a name but it turns out I have to pick one.  Lotta pressure.  Which means YOU ALL have to pick one.  I don't feel right naming myself. 

Husband and I have spent many painstaking hours narrowing it down to the top five.  Before you get all exasperated and say how easy it is, keep in mind that there is a derby name database of literally thousands of names that are already taken and you cannot take one that is already used.  And you cannot take one until you draft onto the team.  I am working painstakingly to draft ASAP.  In the meantime, PLEASE take a second and read the list of finalists and vote by leaving the name of choice as a comment.  I NEED feedback, people.  I value your opinions.  And not mention my name choices to your sister/cousin/friend/neighbor/barista who is also doing derby because if it gets stolen, I will be super pissed, you guys.  Here are the finalists:

Raena Chaos
Rolly Terror
Miss Disorder
Rae's Havoc
Mayhemma Watson
There they are.  Please help.  Vote! Leave your vote in the comments.  I need a derby name so that my alter derby ego can begin to take over.......
And just for voting, here is your reward.  A picture of a cat wearing pants.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Raccoon Love

As most of you know, I love animals.  I mean, I LOVE them.  I am happy to come over to any of your houses and play with your dog, cat, rat, hamster, rabbit, horse, cow, goat, or anything else covered with fur.  I don't care for the non-fur variety, so I will not be coming over to snuggle with your snake, spider, or lizard.  Salamanders are ok, I guess.  I sorta like iguanas.  But that's it. Nothing gives me joy like a cuddle with an animal. In fact, right this second, this is in my lap.....

She proofreads my posts and gives me kitty kisses.

In addition to having three of my own cats, I could name a large list of other animal friends of mine that belong to friends and family.  I love animals so much that instead of utilizing my hard-earned degree in Social Work (which I loathe), I work as a part-time professional pet sitter, where I make absolutely zero money, but I don't care because I get to hang out with animals all day long.  As I get older, I inch closer and closer to becoming one of those weirdo animal people.  I've thought about it and I'm good with it.

Because I love animals so much, I put food out on my back patio for the myriad of homeless cats who live in my neighborhood.  The other day I heard my cats throwing hissy fits and I looked out and saw my three new pets......

They were munching down on some cat kibble I put out in the backyard. 

It was love at first sight.  Look at these faces.  These cute little paws.  These poofy stripey tails.  I just wanna pick them up and squeeze their pudgy furry little guts out.
This one only has one eye, so I named him Uno.  

I immediately texted my sisters the pictures of my new pets and Mikenna (the sensible sister) informed me that I do not have to "feed every animal I come across."  And I informed her that I "did not ask for her opinion".  My other sister, Jimi, and I had the following actual conversation regarding my new chubby little friends.

Jimi:  Oh my god!  Eew!  Creepy!
Me:  I'm in love with them.
Jimi:  They will kill your cats!  Those things are huge!
Me:  I know.  But our cats never go out.
Jimi:  I guess they're kinda cute.  Are there just those two?
Me:  Three!  One only has one eye.  His name is Uno.
Jimi:  What?!  Like, it got in a fight and got it taken out?
Me:  I dunno.  He didn't say.
Jimi:  You had a conversation with them?
Me:  No.  I was too shy.  You don't just interrupt someone when they're eating.  Plus, he might be sensitive about having only one eye and I don't wanna make him feel bad about himself.
Jimi:  And that might be moving too fast, I mean you just barely met.  You gotta give it a few days before you take it to the next level.
Me:  I'm gonna sew him an eye patch.
Jimi:  As a token of your gratitude?
Me:  As a peace offering.
Jimi:  Oh ok.  And he likes cat food?
Me:  Yes, quite a bit.

Now, before everyone leaves me comments about how mangy and mean and rabid raccoons are, I am well aware that they would tear off my face and devour my cats.  I will not ACTUALLY be trying to pick them up and squeeze their pudgy furry little guts out.  But I WILL continue to put food out for whatever hungry animals happen to come by and want some noms.

However, if you do hear of my demise within the next few weeks, it probably went something like this:

He accepts my peace offering.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Hooray for Technology! : Part 1

Welcome to The Party of Two's newest blog series, "Hooray For Technology!", in which we examine the technologies that exist to simplify our lives.

For our first installment, let us pay homage to the debit card machine.  This particular piece of technology has made it possible for us to pay without cash at grocery stores, outlet malls, and gas stations.  In just a few simple, convenient steps, you're out the door with your purchases.

At this point, you should swipe the same card again, but from the bottom to the top instead.
The machine should accept the card after this attempt.  
If not, the cashier will try placing your debit card inside a plastic bag and swiping it through the bag.  This usually works.

 At this point you enter your pin number correctly.

At this point, you enter the same pin number again correctly.
The machine should accept it the second time, or at least the third or fourth time.

*If you DO happen to have coupons and you press yes, you should be prepared to see this screen:


At this point, you will enter your savings card number correctly.

At this point you will enter your savings card number correctly a second time.

Stay tuned for another edition of "Hooray for Technology!"
Coming soon........

Monday, February 25, 2013

Crap We Did Instead of Blogging- 2012 in Review

Since I barely post anymore (I promise I'll try harder to post more often, as I get a lot of grief about it), AND because I don't have Facebook (which I also get a lot of grief about), I thought I would post a review of some of the stuff we were up to instead of blogging over the last year.

Winter brought the usual activities- XC skiing, snowshoeing, beer drinking......

Cody taught Angus how to downhill ski and he is a WHIZ!

In the springtime, we took the kids (Angus, Charlee, and Jimi) to Bruneau Sand Dunes for camping and fishing and dune climbing.

 *I have to add that I caught the Barney family record bass in my float tube- 18 inches! Two more inches and that bastard would've been on my mantle.*

Angus played soccer in the spring, so we went to some games and froze our faces off.  We were happy to do it, though, because Angus is a phenomenal soccer player.  Cody calls him "The Steel Curtain".

In June, our niece Holland turned 3........

Also in June came a new addition to the Barney family......
Our new boat!
I just happen to love the boat more than most people would love a human baby.  We had a lot of fun with the S.S. Bull going fishing and camping and tubing and wakeboarding and beer drinking all summer long.

In July, Cody and I took a trip up to Tahsis, British Columbia to fish with our dear friends Gail and Leon Walters.  We didn't catch anything, but we saw some beautiful scenery and had a GREAT time!

I lied.  We caught prawns.  A lot of prawns.  As Jimi and Charlee would say, we caught a "butt-load" of prawns.  Delicious.....

In the fall, we enjoyed some fall fishing, football, and Halloween festivities.

I spent a month making Angus the Halloween costume he requested.....

It was fun and a huge hit, but the size and weight made it cumbersome for trick-or-treating and impossible to wear for long periods of time.  Next year I think he'll be a superhero or a ghost or something he can run in.  Ten year olds really like to move around.

I also took some time to make a birthday treat for Charlee's 15th birthday.

For Christmas, Cody and I hopped a plane to Vegas and went to the Las Vegas Bowl to watch the Broncos crush Washington.  We had a wicked good time.  I became addicted to penny slots.  Anyone wanna go to Jackpot?
Las Vegas is very festive at Christmas time! 

The Las Vegas Bowl was so much fun that it almost melted our faces off.

We checked out the wax museum.  In my head, this is not wax Johnny Depp.  In my head this is actual Johnny Depp and in my head, he is my other husband but instead of working he just hangs out with me all day long in his Captain Jack outfit.  In my head.

We also checked out Hoover Dam.

We even had a little Christmas decor in our room!

Since we rolled over to 2013, we've been just as busy as we were in 2012.  I've been making yummy birthday and holiday treats......

Over President's Day, we went to Island Park, Idaho to stay in a cabin with my family.  Rick and Britney (Jimi & Charlee's dad and stepmom) rented a gorgeous cabin and were nice enough to have us over to stay and play.  All my siblings were there.  We XC skiied, sledded, snowmobiled, and ate.  And ate.  And drank and ate.

It was the first time all 6 of us had been together since late 2011!  Mom would have loved this picture!

I guess that about wraps it up.  Now you know all the crap we've been doing instead of blogging.  If you hung around and read through till the end of this long-ass post......well maybe you should find a hobby or something.   Get a life, loser.......