Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Crap We've Been Doing Instead of Blogging: Holiday Edition *UPDATED!*

*This blog post has been edited for your viewing pleasure to reflect more accurate geographical notations.  Please see this post for explanation of changes.


*I just want you all to know that the very blog post you are reading right now has literally been the bane of my existence.  I have had more trouble trying to bring this post into existence than you can possibly imagine.  A little nugget of wisdom for you:  SAVE your work on your computer.  Often.  Computers are a natural enemy of humans and they will attack you and your work like the puny, weakling prey that you are.  They are powered, not by electricity as we once supposed, but by the sheer energy of our fury and frustration.  The irony is that this post was actually already posted.  It was up.  It was fricking ON THERE.  I took it down to add another solid gold chunk of hilarity, hit the "uh-oh" key, and the whole thing was blank.  I still have no clue what I pressed.  It was a typo gone askew.  I tried the good old "ctrl-z" to undo, but it didn't work.  Then, in the kind of slow-motion horror that so often accompanies computer errors, I realized something sickening- Blogger automatically saves for you every thirty seconds.  I raced the mouse to the top of the page to click away without saving, but alas........it saved my blankness.  So really, saving is useless.  Your program will just delete your work and then save its own deletion FOR YOU.  We should probably just throw away all computers and go back to using smoke signals and rubbing sticks together.
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My friend Erin emailed me and said "Uh....New Year, new blog post please."  I know its been some time.  I wanted to let you all know what we did over the holidays, but instead of telling you, I made cartoons because they're usually better than whatever I have to say.

So, here is what our holiday season looked like:














Cody gambled, drank beer, watched college football, and skiied.  I cooked, drank beer, drank wine, drove a lot, and moved out of my little apartment and into Cody's place.  Hilarious co-habitation-related posts are inevitable because they make great blog fodder.  All joking aside, though, we both had a great holiday season.  He went to the Las Vegas bowl and watched our beloved Broncos CRUSH Utah.  I went to my family's ranch.  It was blissfully devoid of the usual family drama we've all grown so accustomed to.  Me and my clan had a really nice Christmas.  It was a tad stressful, but again- that was less to blame on the holidays and more to blame on my moving the week after Christmas.  I don't recommend it.  Actually, I don't recommend moving anywhere.  Ever.  Just brick yourselves into your domiciles and stay there.  For good.

*FYI:  I suspect that Cody sometimes feels like I portray him as a giant butthole in my blog posts.  For your own edification, Cody was a super duper boyfriend and helped me move DURING a college bowl game.  Furthermore, he made it possible for me to NOT have to ask my dad for help.  I really didn't want to ask my dad because he has literally moved me in and out of six or seven different apartments and he said if he had to move my entertainment center one more time, he would stab me in the kidney with a narwhal horn dipped in ebola.  So my dad probably owes Cody a beer.  You're welcome, Dad.  And thanks, Code.

Cody and I did reach a decision.  As we discussed our combined weight gain, substantial gift debt, and general malaise over a glass of New Years champagne, we decided to do Christmas a little differently next year.  Now, we love every one of you wacky bastards.  But we're not going to be here for Christmas next year.  We will be having Christmas here:


You may be asking where, exactly, is this?  Well, I've taken a stab at cartography to illustrate our exact location for you:

*Updated Map*
 *It was actually Hawaii before.  Now, it's Bora Bora!


I'm sure you're all wondering why we're going to Bora Bora.  In order to best explain it, I have created some additional maps to help clear up your confusion:

 This is a map of climate differences


This is a map of cultural differences
I hope this clears up any confusion as to next year's Christmas plans.*

*If YOU were going to Bora Bora for Christmas and WE weren't, we would be very happy for you.  But we ARE going and we don't want to run into anyone we know.  So get your own Christmas island.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Someone Should Probably Use a Cannon to Whang Me Into a Tree

When you were a kid, you probably couldn't wait to be a grown-up.  At least, you couldn't if you were anything like me.  I couldn't wait to do important grown up things like grocery shop or mail things or own a checkbook.  I impatiently rushed through childhood so that I could be an adult.  Now that I'm a grown-up (sort of), I rarely grocery shop, I hate mail AND mailing things, and I misplace my checkbook on a regular basis.  When I find it, I usually have to brush the dust off of it to write a check.  And then hope like hell that it doesn't bounce when I finally remember to mail it.
Why am I telling you this?  I forgot......
Oh yeah. I'm trying to explain to you why I should be kicked out of being a grown-up.   "But Rae," you're probably saying, "you graduated college!  You have a degree and a professional license and your own office!  You're not even behind on your bills!  Your house is clean!  Surely you're a responsible person!"  Nope.  You're wrong.  In fact, not only should my adult card be revoked, they should probably repo my degree too.  So, for your amusement (ok, mostly MY amusement, but hopefully yours too), I have compiled a list of reasons I should be kicked out of being a grown-up:
  • Without realizing it, I've been driving around with an expired car registration.  Since September.
  • I hit the snooze button approximately 82 times per morning.
  • Given the choice, I would rather watch cartoons.
  • I'm at LEAST 9 minutes late for literally every single thing I'm doing.
  • Sometimes, when someone I don't like is walking away from me, I make faces at them.
  • At any given moment, I am desperately restraining the urge to throw something (a pen, my coffee, a hamburger, my shoe, a rock, the cat) at something else (the wall, the ground, a car, another person, the cat).  I like to imagine the sound it would make or the reactions that would follow if I threw something at something else.  Sometimes it's out of annoyance or anger, but mostly its just because of the sheer satisfaction and amusement I would get from throwing things at things. 
  • My desperate attempts to be responsible and do things in a timely fashion are usually thwarted by TV or napping or drawing cartoons on the computer.
  • I refuse to put the clean clothes away until they're cold and wrinkly and have been sitting in a pile on the closet floor for at least four days.
  • I get tired of wearing pants.
  • Sometimes when I try to check my email, I end up watching videos of people falling down instead.
  • Showering is a really big pain in the ass.
  • If I had my way, I would go barefoot everywhere.
  • Sometimes I don't hear what people are saying to me because I'm thinking about cupcakes.
  • I'm incapable of saving a single dime.  The last $30 in my bank account is reserved for buying gigantic rings or Wendy's chili or Johnny Depp DVDs.
  • I have no idea what a mutual fund is.
  • I can't do math without a calculator.
  • I absolutely never have change for the meter.
  • I blog instead of doing work.
Feel free to use the comments section to add additional items to the list.  I won't be offended.  You're only making my case stronger.

Monday, January 10, 2011

[SIGH]

People, people, people.......
You're doing this whole blog thing wrong.  Here's how it works:
I write a snot-shootingly funny blog postYou reward me with comments about how funny I am.  This gives me the reinforcement I need to continue writing hilarious posts.

Sometimes I feel I cannot go on with writing posts because I don't think anyone reads my blog.  After all, how would I KNOW if anyone reads it?  Most of my posts have nary a comment on them. If I have no one reading the posts, well it doesn't give me much of an incentive to write any, now, does it?  I'd like to hope that you're all looking forward to another blog post from good old "Party of Two".  I know that when I read my favorite blogs, every new post is like a little life-boat, floating in to save me from the drudgery of the work week.  I had such high hopes that perhaps one day, my blog could be your little life boat.  Maybe even, perchance, a PARTY boat.  Like a little cruise ship where all the drinks are free.
 
I guess what I'm saying is that whenever I check my blog and someone has left a comment, it makes me feel like shiny little fairies are sprinkling me with thousand dollar bills. 

Think about it..........

Friday, January 7, 2011

Actual Conversations

Welcome to another edition of "Actual Conversations with Rae and Cody".  Here is another actual instant message conversation between the two of us.  
I have other blog material coming, I promise.  I know its been awhile.   But I'm working on some sweet cartoons, which take a long time.  Don't worry about the wait.  It will be *SO* WORTH IT.  Or else it won't and then that's just too damn bad.

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Rae Says:
Can't concentrate at ALL this morning.  I have severe A.D.D. 
My brain is fried from this week.
I want to get off work early and go see Black Swan.  It looks amazing.

Cody says:
I want to read the book first

Rae says:
 It's a BOOK!?!?!
 I didn't know it was a book!!
 Wait.....YOU want to read the book??

Cody says:
Well... I don't know if the movie is about the book... 
They might be two totally different things...
What's the movie about?

Rae says:
 It's a psychological thriller
 It's about a ballet dancer, but I think she goes insane or something
 It looks really creepy

Cody says:
Oh... OK.... it's not the book then

Rae says:
Oh good.  Cause I don't want to have to read it before I go see the movie
 It looks incredible and I'm too impatient to wait

Cody says:
I didn't know there was a movie called Black Swan

Rae says:
It has Natalie Portman in it
She trained for over a year to dance advanced ballet for it
She plays a ballet dancer
And then she goes nuts

Cody says:
Oh nice
The book "The Black Swan" is a book about financial blowups and why they're unpredictable

Rae says:
That is not it

Cody says:
Obviously

Rae says:
I do not want to see a movie about financial blowups
I know all about them already
Who would make that financial book into a movie?  No one.

Cody says:
I do not want to see a movie about ballet

Rae says:
It's not really about ballet I don't think
It's about going insane

Cody says:
Oh... well you know all about going insane... so you'll probably love it.

Rae says:

 

Rae says:
Or maybe it IS about ballet, but also mostly about going insane
It could have been about a go-kart driver going insane
Or a garbage man.....
A garbage man who doesn't take your broken chair or broken mirror and leaves them on the sidewalk instead

Cody says:
When did that happen?

Rae says:
 Yesterday when they picked the trash up.
 Or rather DIDN'T pick the trash up
 It's like, why have garbage men if they're going to discriminate against certain kinds of garbage?

Cody says:
Well, did you have the chair and mirror IN the garbage can?
 If you don't, they won't take it

Rae says:
Uh....no. 
You try putting that chair in that trash can

Cody says:
We'd have to destroy the chair first

Rae says:
That's like putting a house INSIDE a garage
The chair is already destroyed
I sat on it and it broke

Cody says:
If it doesn't fit in the garbage can, they won't take it
That's the rule

Rae says:
That's dumb
They're dumb

Cody says:
 That's been the rule from the beginning of using those grey bins

Rae says:
They only have one job- get rid of trash. 
That's their only function.

Cody says:
I think maybe if we put some kinda sticker on them it will work

Rae says:
It's like how if you're Kyle Brotzman and you're the field goal kicker
You only have one function- kicking field goals

Cody says:
But I don't remember what kind of sticker you need

Rae says:
If you fuck up your one function, you fail
Garbage man fail
[Sigh]  They're those orange overflow stickers, remember?

Cody says:
 Here's what we do: we just rip the chair apart and put it in the bin

Rae says:
You were going to throw the overflow stickers away
But I said we might need them
You said we won't need them and I said I'm keeping them anyways
Because we might need to throw away something weird
Like a broken chair
But then I forgot about them until just now.

Cody says:
Sounds good, peter

Rae says:
So I have the stickers, but I didn't know I had to put one on a broken chair
Clearly if its a broken chair its garbage

Cody says:
Yeah, but the rules are the rules
They love rules
Everybody does

Rae says:
OK, Walter
I guess this is not 'Nam this is garbage- there are rules
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I hate the stupid garbage rules.  I'm gonna start treating it like those flat rate shipping boxes.  "If it fits, it ships, regardless of weight".  I'm gonna have a car crushed and compacted into little pieces and then I'm gonna put the whole car in the bin and then they have to dump it because if it fits, they have to.  I'm gonna fill the entire thing up to the brim with mud or rocks and then they'll have to dump it......Even better, I'm gonna fill an additional trash can with mud and rocks and put the overflow sticker on it and then they'll have to pick it up and physically dump it themselves because their stupid bin-lifting machine won't pick up non-regulation bins.  Ha HA!  I win, trash men.  I win.