Just a little holiday greeting from us to you! I made you guys this card, so you're required to like it.
I hope you've all been good or you're getting a shotgun blast to the face.
Happy Holidays!
Monday, December 20, 2010
Actual Conversations
This is a conversation between me and my mom. We were discussing the fact that my sister, who is engaged and has a fiance now, will NOT be spending Christmas with us for the first Christmas ever. There is NO possible way that I exaggerated this conversation at all.
Mom: I'm really sad about Kenna not having anything good to eat for Christmas. Maybe I should get them some groceries. It's really bothering me that they will be all alone drinking bad, cheap beer and eating frozen chicken nuggets and blue box mac and cheese while we are feasting on all the best stuff.
Rae: I say let them eat blue box mac. It will be a good character builder. Someday down the road when they're springing for Velveeta Shells and Cheese, they'll think fondly of the time before they were married when all they could afford was blue box.
Mom: How is that supposed to make me feel any better? Seriously, I have been losing sleep over this.
Rae: Mom, the whole point the holiday season is to take pleasure in the misfortune of others.
Mom: ............?
Rae: We'll send them a care package with some sandwich crusts and an orange peel. And some pictures of you and I eating giant turkey legs. And then next time, she'll know better than to spend the holiday with anyone but us.
Mom: I'm really sad about Kenna not having anything good to eat for Christmas. Maybe I should get them some groceries. It's really bothering me that they will be all alone drinking bad, cheap beer and eating frozen chicken nuggets and blue box mac and cheese while we are feasting on all the best stuff.
Rae: I say let them eat blue box mac. It will be a good character builder. Someday down the road when they're springing for Velveeta Shells and Cheese, they'll think fondly of the time before they were married when all they could afford was blue box.
Mom: How is that supposed to make me feel any better? Seriously, I have been losing sleep over this.
Rae: Mom, the whole point the holiday season is to take pleasure in the misfortune of others.
Mom: ............?
Rae: We'll send them a care package with some sandwich crusts and an orange peel. And some pictures of you and I eating giant turkey legs. And then next time, she'll know better than to spend the holiday with anyone but us.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Do YOU have RLS (Restless Lash Syndrome)?
You're lucky because it's Christmas, so I'm posting a bunch of posts that I wrote awhile ago, but hadn't posted yet. It's like your Christmas present of extra posts. So read them and be thankful. And leave comments because whenever I see that someone posted comments, it's like Christmas for ME and I get all gladful inside.-----------------------------------
*My mother and I wrote these emails back and forth trying to determine what to get a certain relative of mine for Christmas. Sometimes, I exaggerate stuff for comedic purposes, but these are actual excerpts from actual emails.
Also, If the subject realizes she is the subject (which she probably will), I just want her to know that we love her very much and that she is a wonderful, beautiful, incredible person. Also, I promise that this will not ruin any Christmas surprises and I promise to post hilariously incriminating blogs about everyone else I know so that no one is excluded from being made fun of. Please remember that I make fun of myself on this blog more than anyone else and that this whole blog is pretty much a giant exaggerated joke at everyone's expense.
*My mother and I wrote these emails back and forth trying to determine what to get a certain relative of mine for Christmas. Sometimes, I exaggerate stuff for comedic purposes, but these are actual excerpts from actual emails.
Also, If the subject realizes she is the subject (which she probably will), I just want her to know that we love her very much and that she is a wonderful, beautiful, incredible person. Also, I promise that this will not ruin any Christmas surprises and I promise to post hilariously incriminating blogs about everyone else I know so that no one is excluded from being made fun of. Please remember that I make fun of myself on this blog more than anyone else and that this whole blog is pretty much a giant exaggerated joke at everyone's expense.
---------------------------------------------------
From: Rae
Date: December 13, 2010 10:54am
To: Andi
Subject: Christmas
Mom,
What should I get Charlee for Christmas? I can't think of anything good.
---------------------------------------------
From: Andi
Date: December 13, 2010 11:02am
To: Rae
Subject: Re: Christmas
Charlee thinks her eyelashes are too short and she wants that special mascara that makes them look longer.
MOM
---------------------------------------------
From: Rae
Date: December 13, 2010 11:14am
To: Andi
Subject: Re: Christmas
Perhaps I should get her some of that Latisse stuff. You know, the stuff that Brooke Shields advertises that makes your eyelashes grow longer? Isn't that Latisse? Latisse is either that, or those pills that stop your legs from twitching in the night.
--------------------------------------------
From: Andi
Date: December 13, 2010 11:27am
To: Rae
Subject: Re: Christmas
I think Charlee is having a mental issue. She thinks she has zits and no eyelashes. But she has beautiful eyelashes and NO visible blemishes.
MOM
----------------------------------------------
From: Rae
Date: December 13, 2010 11:49am
To: Andi
Subject: Re: Christmas
Charlee IS 13 years old and is therefore expected to have mental issues. Teenagers are bombarded with pictures of people with imaginary nice skin and imaginary skinniness and expensive clothes that look good on them but look like Halloween costumes on normal people.
Now I'm torn because if I get her presents meant to address her imaginary problems, I will be reinforcing her negative self image but if I don't she'll be resentful at me for getting her a stupid book with pictures of cats wearing shoes or whatever thing I got her instead of zit stuff and magic mascara.
Also, given the fact that you have so many kids, its a miracle we don't all have mental issues. Unless you're like me and think that your kids DO all have mental problems in which case you did the best you could and oh well. If we all do, in fact, have mental problems, perhaps by now you'll have learned from your mistakes and will have better luck not messing up your grandchildren. Although that's probably an invalid point since it's pretty certain that Kenna and whichever other of the kids has kids will probably give those kids mental issues so you won't be able to help that anyways. I happen to KNOW I would give my kids mental issues so I'm going to skip having any and instead give mental issues to my cats. It's much harder to be prosecuted for animal cruelty than for child neglect.
Now I'm torn because if I get her presents meant to address her imaginary problems, I will be reinforcing her negative self image but if I don't she'll be resentful at me for getting her a stupid book with pictures of cats wearing shoes or whatever thing I got her instead of zit stuff and magic mascara.
Also, given the fact that you have so many kids, its a miracle we don't all have mental issues. Unless you're like me and think that your kids DO all have mental problems in which case you did the best you could and oh well. If we all do, in fact, have mental problems, perhaps by now you'll have learned from your mistakes and will have better luck not messing up your grandchildren. Although that's probably an invalid point since it's pretty certain that Kenna and whichever other of the kids has kids will probably give those kids mental issues so you won't be able to help that anyways. I happen to KNOW I would give my kids mental issues so I'm going to skip having any and instead give mental issues to my cats. It's much harder to be prosecuted for animal cruelty than for child neglect.
--------------------------------------------
From: Andi
Date: December 13, 2010 11:59am
To: Rae
Subject: Re: Christmas
You are in a mess because you are right. We definitely don’t want to reinforce her negative self-image. Maybe we could find her some cream for imaginary zits? And some mascara that is clear to make her think her lashes are lush. Who knows!?!
MOM
---------------------------------------------
From: Rae
Date: December 13, 2010 12:11pm
To: Andi
Subject: Re: Christmas
If we got her some clear mascara, we would have to sneak into her room each night and put it on her so that she looked great when she woke up in the morning and you already have enough to do so that's out. I have a day job as well or I could secretly live in the backyard and sneak in each night to be the eyelash fairy.
It might help make her feel better about herself if the rest of you trimmed your own eyelashes very short and thinned them out with tweezers. I am applying this concept to my own life by getting rid of everyone I know and replacing them with fat friends so that I feel skinnier. Also, when we go out drinking, I'll be the thin one in the group, which I've heard is good for your self esteem. As it stands now, I'm usually the biggest in the group and this is quite depressing.
It might help make her feel better about herself if the rest of you trimmed your own eyelashes very short and thinned them out with tweezers. I am applying this concept to my own life by getting rid of everyone I know and replacing them with fat friends so that I feel skinnier. Also, when we go out drinking, I'll be the thin one in the group, which I've heard is good for your self esteem. As it stands now, I'm usually the biggest in the group and this is quite depressing.
---------------------------------------------
From: Andi
Date: December 13, 2010 12:28pm
To: Rae
Subject: Re: Christmas
You are missing out on the real issue with Charlee. We don’t need to make her lashes bigger, cause they are just fine. She just needs to think they are bigger.
MOM
----------------------------------------------
From: Rae
Date: December 12, 2010 12:41pm
To: Andi
Subject: Re: Christmas
I agree that Charlee's eyelashes are just fine. What we should really do is superglue some freakishly long, creepy lashes to her eyelids so that when she wakes up she'll look like a tarantula and then she'll be sorry she ever wanted longer lashes and learn to be happy with what she has.
Cody is a Pomegranate
To follow is another awesome instant message conversation taking place between Cody and I. We had this conversation because we were planning to go to the Humanitarian Bowl, which is at Bronco Stadium on December 18. Northern Illinois and Fresno are playing. Yesterday's Groupon special was 50% off tickets to the Humanitarian bowl, so I wanted to buy them and save some cash; but he was adamant that we should NOT get them from Groupon because he hates technology and if we bought them from Groupon, we would experience a techno-meltdown and end up with no tickets and he'd rather pay full price to just have the tickets in his hand on game day. [sigh] Then he went into this whole thing about how he likes the 'I give you money and you give me my stuff' arrangement way better, so he'll just pay full price, thank you very much. Then today he said that Humanitarian Bowl tickets are too expensive and he wishes we'd bought them off Groupon yesterday. [facepalm]
This is the conversation:
Cody says: Hey... I just called the ticket office
Rae says: Yes?
Cody says: The $18 tickets are for the endzones only
Rae says: Jes i know this.....
Cody says: The upper deck along the curve is $25.50
Rae says: Jes
Cody says: Kinda brutal... that's $51 for both of us...
Rae says: Yesterday on Groupon they were $9 and $12.50
Cody says: Is it worth $51?
Rae says: Up to you.
Cody says: I thought they were $18 everywhere
Not just the endzones
Rae says: Nope
Cody says: I would have done Groupon had I known
Rae says: Hmmm
Cody says: Bummer... $50 sounds pretty steep to me
Rae says: Hmmmm. that IS a bummer.
Cody says: I'll just go skiing and watch the game on TV
Rae says: Super. Sounds fun to me.
Cody says: It does?
Rae says: Uh.....no.
But I know you don't have any money
Rae says: Yeah i could get mine.
Cody says: Course you did just get a christmas bonus
And it wasn't an enrollment in a jelly of the
month club...
Heh
Rae says: I spent it on your christmas presents
Cody says: Heh.....
Rae says: I spent it on the Cody of the month club
Cody says: Well your call.
If we split the cost, I say we go
Rae says: [sigh] You are a pip
Cody says: Pip?
This is the conversation:
Cody says: Hey... I just called the ticket office
Rae says: Yes?
Cody says: The $18 tickets are for the endzones only
Rae says: Jes i know this.....
Cody says: The upper deck along the curve is $25.50
Rae says: Jes
Cody says: Kinda brutal... that's $51 for both of us...
Rae says: Yesterday on Groupon they were $9 and $12.50
Cody says: Is it worth $51?
Rae says: Up to you.
Cody says: I thought they were $18 everywhere
Not just the endzones
Rae says: Nope
Cody says: I would have done Groupon had I known
Rae says: Hmmm
Cody says: Bummer... $50 sounds pretty steep to me
Rae says: Hmmmm. that IS a bummer.
Cody says: I'll just go skiing and watch the game on TV
Rae says: Super. Sounds fun to me.
Cody says: It does?
Rae says: Uh.....no.
J/k. it sounds ok.
Just not as fun as going to the game
But you're right- that's too expensive
Cody says: Well... I mean, we could split the cost...But I know you don't have any money
Rae says: Yeah i could get mine.
Cody says: Course you did just get a christmas bonus
And it wasn't an enrollment in a jelly of the
month club...
Heh
Rae says: I spent it on your christmas presents
Cody says: Heh.....
Rae says: I spent it on the Cody of the month club
Cody says: Well your call.
If we split the cost, I say we go
Rae says: [sigh] You are a pip
Cody says: Pip?
Rae says: British slang meaning piece of work
Or pain in the rump
Derived from the fact that they call fruit
seeds "pips"
And sometimes you can choke on a pip
Or have a hard time getting it out of the
fruit......
I guess what I'm saying is, you're a fruit.
Cody says: Well, you're a jackwagon Rae says: Actually, I'm pretty sure I totally made that
pip thing up.
I meant to type PIB
As in Pain In the Butt
Cody says: Heh Rae says: But you totally believed me, you pip.
Yay, typos.
[Cody has signed out of messenger]
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Worst Blog Post Ever [It is super long and rambling and has no pictures or cartoons] :(
So, it turns out that last night we went to a hockey game and I drank too much. I say "it turns out" like going to the game was a spontaneous thing, but that's a lie. We had it planned for like 3 weeks. But I didn't know that I would drink too much. Actually, that's a lie too. I had a pretty good idea. Anyway, last night we went to a hockey game at one of those nice hockey suites sponsored by someone Cody does business with. Long story short, there was free wine and I had approximately one bottle all to myself. Actually, that wasn't that long of a story. I didn't need to say "long story short".
I went to the hockey game and instead of stuffing my face with free food like most people would do, I stuffed my face with free booze because hey, you gotta have your priorities. Then on the way home, I made Cody stop at Albertsons so I could go in and buy another bottle and I drank that one too. I probably wouldn't have drank so much, but as I've told you before, I have this crippling social phobia I never used to have. I think my clients gave it to me. In situations where I have to pretend to like people, my upper lip gets all sweaty and my chest breaks out in a rash and I become acutely aware of every tiny thing I do. You know when you're trying hard to listen to someone in a social situation and you want to seem genuinely interested, you can't ever figured out what to do with your mouth? Should you purse your lips? Should you smile or not? What if they get dry? Will someone notice if you lick your lips to wet them? Is it ok to just do NOTHING with your mouth? How do you make your mouth seem interested? Don't you ever wonder these things? No? Well I do, all the time. Then I have to run to the bathroom and hide in a stall.
So I just drank more and more and more so I would feel social. I even called my mom and my sister to talk to them about how socially awkward I am, so they got to share in my evening. I also went up to a bunch of Fresno football players and talked to them and got REALLY butt-hurt at Cody when he passed Pat Hill on the street and Cody didn't point him out because for some reason I really,really wanted a hug from Pat Hill. Cody said Pat Hill would probably not want a hug from me, but I beg to differ. Pat Hill would be totally into hugging me. But by that time it was too late.
After drinking too much wine, I sat up until I don't even know how late listening to "Fancy" by Reba McEntire over and over and over again. Being drunk off of wine is unusual because all of a sudden you're just gone, like someone flipped a switch. One minute I'm singing "Fancy don't let me down", the next, I'm flying up off of the couch in a panic and it's 7:35 am. I'm lucky I woke up when I did because I'm supposed to be at work at 8 and I don't even remember laying down or Cody leaving and going to bed and I didn't set any sort of alarm. It was like my brain went "Hey, dummy! You're supposed to be up already and getting ready for work and thinking about how you don't want to go to work. You're not doing that yet. Start doing that!" Lucky for me, my hair still looked good, so I just changed clothes and got in the car to go to work. And then I realized I was still feeling tipsy. And not wearing underpants because I couldn't find any clean ones. [Notice how I'm always broadcasting my underpants situation to you all? I'm lucky anyone reads this blog because no one really needs to hear my underpants updates but I give them anyway. If anyone even reads this blog, which they probably don't.] Calling in sick was the most tempting thing in the world, but I decided to go to work because calling in drunk is bad for your reputation.
On a side note, if you happen to have a really crappy window scraper like I do, your old expired motorcycle permit works really well. Better than a proper window scraper, actually. I went ahead and used it even though it has a really really good picture of me on it because my current driver's license looks like I'm wearing a fat suit and a red clown nose and no one would believe that the good motorcycle permit picture is even me at this point.
I realized as I was getting dressed for work that I'm actually a genius. I'm like a stealth ninja monkey. I look like total crap today; HOWEVER, I ALWAYS look like crap for work because I don't really get ready for work, I just put on clothes and get ready for work AT work. So I can inadvertently hide the fact that I'm not on my game some days because I always look like I'm not on my game even when I actually am. But today I'm not. And no one will notice because I always look like this. On the other hand, my co-workers probably think its weird that after an hour at work, I magically look better than I did when I got there because at some point, I've put on makeup and done my hair.
Anyways, on the way to work, I ended up racing a hearse limo and I'm totally not making that up. I didn't even know those existed, but they do. I was next to it at a stoplight and my foot itched inside my shoe so I was trying to scratch it and my foot slipped and I accidentally slammed on the gas and revved the engine. They must have thought I was trying to goad them into racing because they revved back and when the light turned green, they took off like a bat out of hell. Those hearse limos can actually go really fast if you were wondering.
While I was driving to work, I took a shortcut on this side street through a residential area. This red Volvo was in front of me and it was going ridiculously slow, probably because I was in a hurry and tailgating him so he wanted to teach me a lesson. I was all yelling at him about how I had somewhere to be, like he could hear me, and then all of a sudden there was a cop parked on the side of the road. The red Volvo instantly became my friend because I'm pretty sure if I got pulled over, I could still get a DUI because I'm probably still drunk. I deduced this from the fact that prior to the whole red Volvo thing, someone made a funny joke on the Bob & Tom show and I smiled and I would never smile on the way to work unless I was drunk so I must still be drunk. Thanks for going on that tangent with me. Anyways, the cop on the side of the road literally did a u-turn and came up behind us and pulled over the guy right behind me. And then I was all "oh thank you red Volvo man! How did you KNOW, red Volvo man? You must be clairvoyant! You are my guardian angel. My guardian angel in a red Volvo, red Volvo man!" Because everyone knows you're an alcoholic if you get a DUI at 8 o'clock in the morning.
UPDATE: It's now 12:40 pm and I've officially hit a wall. I actually feel ok, but I'm extremely tired. Like, the kind of tired where you're nodding off while sitting up. Like when you're in college and you have a class at 2 in the afternoon right after you eat a big lunch and it's in a really warm lecture hall where they keep the lights low so they can use the projector so you nod off and someone has to wake you up on their way by because class is over and you didn't know. That kind of tired. That's the worst kind of tired because you SO want to go home and take a nap, but then after class, you have to walk home in the snow and then realize you locked yourself out of your apartment and you have to wait for your roommate to get home to let you in and by that time, the drowsiness is gone and you don't need a nap anymore. But then you take one anyways and wake up and its 1am and realize you haven't done your geology homework and you have class in the morning so you drink some coffee and try to do it but now it's really late and you get the drowsy feeling again while you're trying to read your geology book so you finally blow it off and go to bed and then the coffee kicks in and you can't fall back to sleep. THAT kind of tired totally sucks.
I have to go make coffee now because I thought ice water would wake me up because of the coldness, but it's not working. Also, you know when there's a fly in the house and it keeps buzzing around your head annoying you but whenever you try to swat it or kill it, it darts away so you can't reach it? That's what my thoughts are doing in my head. For the whole day so far.
I'm never drinking two bottles of wine on a weekday again.
I went to the hockey game and instead of stuffing my face with free food like most people would do, I stuffed my face with free booze because hey, you gotta have your priorities. Then on the way home, I made Cody stop at Albertsons so I could go in and buy another bottle and I drank that one too. I probably wouldn't have drank so much, but as I've told you before, I have this crippling social phobia I never used to have. I think my clients gave it to me. In situations where I have to pretend to like people, my upper lip gets all sweaty and my chest breaks out in a rash and I become acutely aware of every tiny thing I do. You know when you're trying hard to listen to someone in a social situation and you want to seem genuinely interested, you can't ever figured out what to do with your mouth? Should you purse your lips? Should you smile or not? What if they get dry? Will someone notice if you lick your lips to wet them? Is it ok to just do NOTHING with your mouth? How do you make your mouth seem interested? Don't you ever wonder these things? No? Well I do, all the time. Then I have to run to the bathroom and hide in a stall.
So I just drank more and more and more so I would feel social. I even called my mom and my sister to talk to them about how socially awkward I am, so they got to share in my evening. I also went up to a bunch of Fresno football players and talked to them and got REALLY butt-hurt at Cody when he passed Pat Hill on the street and Cody didn't point him out because for some reason I really,really wanted a hug from Pat Hill. Cody said Pat Hill would probably not want a hug from me, but I beg to differ. Pat Hill would be totally into hugging me. But by that time it was too late.
After drinking too much wine, I sat up until I don't even know how late listening to "Fancy" by Reba McEntire over and over and over again. Being drunk off of wine is unusual because all of a sudden you're just gone, like someone flipped a switch. One minute I'm singing "Fancy don't let me down", the next, I'm flying up off of the couch in a panic and it's 7:35 am. I'm lucky I woke up when I did because I'm supposed to be at work at 8 and I don't even remember laying down or Cody leaving and going to bed and I didn't set any sort of alarm. It was like my brain went "Hey, dummy! You're supposed to be up already and getting ready for work and thinking about how you don't want to go to work. You're not doing that yet. Start doing that!" Lucky for me, my hair still looked good, so I just changed clothes and got in the car to go to work. And then I realized I was still feeling tipsy. And not wearing underpants because I couldn't find any clean ones. [Notice how I'm always broadcasting my underpants situation to you all? I'm lucky anyone reads this blog because no one really needs to hear my underpants updates but I give them anyway. If anyone even reads this blog, which they probably don't.] Calling in sick was the most tempting thing in the world, but I decided to go to work because calling in drunk is bad for your reputation.
On a side note, if you happen to have a really crappy window scraper like I do, your old expired motorcycle permit works really well. Better than a proper window scraper, actually. I went ahead and used it even though it has a really really good picture of me on it because my current driver's license looks like I'm wearing a fat suit and a red clown nose and no one would believe that the good motorcycle permit picture is even me at this point.
I realized as I was getting dressed for work that I'm actually a genius. I'm like a stealth ninja monkey. I look like total crap today; HOWEVER, I ALWAYS look like crap for work because I don't really get ready for work, I just put on clothes and get ready for work AT work. So I can inadvertently hide the fact that I'm not on my game some days because I always look like I'm not on my game even when I actually am. But today I'm not. And no one will notice because I always look like this. On the other hand, my co-workers probably think its weird that after an hour at work, I magically look better than I did when I got there because at some point, I've put on makeup and done my hair.
Anyways, on the way to work, I ended up racing a hearse limo and I'm totally not making that up. I didn't even know those existed, but they do. I was next to it at a stoplight and my foot itched inside my shoe so I was trying to scratch it and my foot slipped and I accidentally slammed on the gas and revved the engine. They must have thought I was trying to goad them into racing because they revved back and when the light turned green, they took off like a bat out of hell. Those hearse limos can actually go really fast if you were wondering.
While I was driving to work, I took a shortcut on this side street through a residential area. This red Volvo was in front of me and it was going ridiculously slow, probably because I was in a hurry and tailgating him so he wanted to teach me a lesson. I was all yelling at him about how I had somewhere to be, like he could hear me, and then all of a sudden there was a cop parked on the side of the road. The red Volvo instantly became my friend because I'm pretty sure if I got pulled over, I could still get a DUI because I'm probably still drunk. I deduced this from the fact that prior to the whole red Volvo thing, someone made a funny joke on the Bob & Tom show and I smiled and I would never smile on the way to work unless I was drunk so I must still be drunk. Thanks for going on that tangent with me. Anyways, the cop on the side of the road literally did a u-turn and came up behind us and pulled over the guy right behind me. And then I was all "oh thank you red Volvo man! How did you KNOW, red Volvo man? You must be clairvoyant! You are my guardian angel. My guardian angel in a red Volvo, red Volvo man!" Because everyone knows you're an alcoholic if you get a DUI at 8 o'clock in the morning.
UPDATE: It's now 12:40 pm and I've officially hit a wall. I actually feel ok, but I'm extremely tired. Like, the kind of tired where you're nodding off while sitting up. Like when you're in college and you have a class at 2 in the afternoon right after you eat a big lunch and it's in a really warm lecture hall where they keep the lights low so they can use the projector so you nod off and someone has to wake you up on their way by because class is over and you didn't know. That kind of tired. That's the worst kind of tired because you SO want to go home and take a nap, but then after class, you have to walk home in the snow and then realize you locked yourself out of your apartment and you have to wait for your roommate to get home to let you in and by that time, the drowsiness is gone and you don't need a nap anymore. But then you take one anyways and wake up and its 1am and realize you haven't done your geology homework and you have class in the morning so you drink some coffee and try to do it but now it's really late and you get the drowsy feeling again while you're trying to read your geology book so you finally blow it off and go to bed and then the coffee kicks in and you can't fall back to sleep. THAT kind of tired totally sucks.
I have to go make coffee now because I thought ice water would wake me up because of the coldness, but it's not working. Also, you know when there's a fly in the house and it keeps buzzing around your head annoying you but whenever you try to swat it or kill it, it darts away so you can't reach it? That's what my thoughts are doing in my head. For the whole day so far.
I'm never drinking two bottles of wine on a weekday again.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Santa Will Bust a Cap in Yo Ass *UPDATED
Look out folks. Santa is on a tirade and we're all gonna die. Do you see what happens when we give someone a GUN? Guns kill people. People don't kill people. Crazed whack-job psycho people do not kill people. Guns do. And now we're all screwed. Santa has had a taste of the sweet satisfaction that comes from blasting a naughty child in the face. He's on a nationwide campaign to spread evil, wrapping up firearms and distributing them to your children under the tree.
I feel like this could be a really useful parenting tool. "Kids, if you don't behave, Santa's gonna fill you full of lead."
I know when I was a child and I saw people on TV with guns, I thought it must be ok because TV and John Wayne said so. I begged my mom for a weapon for weeks prior to Christmas and she bought me one because she thought it would be ok since she once saw a picture of a person with a gun and they were smiling. Which means guns make people happy. My mom has always wanted me to be happy, so she gave me the gun and wouldn't you know, three days later, I accidentally shot the eyeball out of my favorite kitten. If only we hadn't seen a person with a gun once, we wouldn't have been in that mess at all.
I once saw a life-sized, gun shaped tequila bottle in the liquor store and thought to myself how wrong it was to store alcohol inside weapon-shaped vessels because college students might think it was ok to drink their body shots from the barrell of a shotgun, which could result in accidentally blowing away your self or your friends during tequila night. If only I'd had the foresight to get in touch with the local media station, I may have succeeded in getting the gun-shaped bottled recalled to prevent futurestupidity injury. Luckily, we have wonderful, concerned citizens like Monica Silva Anonymous to make sure things like this don't happen.
Incidentally, this same lady once got really sick and in a fever-induced delirium found Mother Teresa in a block of cheddar cheese as she stood in front of the refrigerator trying to cool down. She lobbied hard to get the cheese blessed by the pope and put on display for all the country's children to see so that they could be inspired to spend their time looking for religious icons in dairy products instead of dressing up as a cowboy like Santa and shooting people.
*I wish I was making up that cheese thing, but I wasn't. If you don't believe me, you can read this article.
UPDATE: Just to further prove how serious this Mother Teresa Cheese thing is, I provide you this picture. If this isn't clear cut evidence that Cheeses Christ put his hand upon that cheddar, I don't know what would be. Seriously people.
I feel like this could be a really useful parenting tool. "Kids, if you don't behave, Santa's gonna fill you full of lead."
I know when I was a child and I saw people on TV with guns, I thought it must be ok because TV and John Wayne said so. I begged my mom for a weapon for weeks prior to Christmas and she bought me one because she thought it would be ok since she once saw a picture of a person with a gun and they were smiling. Which means guns make people happy. My mom has always wanted me to be happy, so she gave me the gun and wouldn't you know, three days later, I accidentally shot the eyeball out of my favorite kitten. If only we hadn't seen a person with a gun once, we wouldn't have been in that mess at all.
I once saw a life-sized, gun shaped tequila bottle in the liquor store and thought to myself how wrong it was to store alcohol inside weapon-shaped vessels because college students might think it was ok to drink their body shots from the barrell of a shotgun, which could result in accidentally blowing away your self or your friends during tequila night. If only I'd had the foresight to get in touch with the local media station, I may have succeeded in getting the gun-shaped bottled recalled to prevent future
Incidentally, this same lady once got really sick and in a fever-induced delirium found Mother Teresa in a block of cheddar cheese as she stood in front of the refrigerator trying to cool down. She lobbied hard to get the cheese blessed by the pope and put on display for all the country's children to see so that they could be inspired to spend their time looking for religious icons in dairy products instead of dressing up as a cowboy like Santa and shooting people.
*I wish I was making up that cheese thing, but I wasn't. If you don't believe me, you can read this article.
UPDATE: Just to further prove how serious this Mother Teresa Cheese thing is, I provide you this picture. If this isn't clear cut evidence that Cheeses Christ put his hand upon that cheddar, I don't know what would be. Seriously people.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Today's Blog Post Brought To You By Math
Lynne is my boss. You can learn more about her awesome skills in this old post. Sometimes, I have to do Lynne's work for her because she's going on vacation or has an important salad to eat or doesn't feel like doing stuff. I realize this is because I am the office bitch and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm coming to terms with it. To help illustrate my point, I have created this diagram showing the Senior Solutions office hierarcy:
As a college student, I did learn some very important math skills. I took over two math classes at BSU, so I feel like I'm pretty much a professional at crunching numbers and processing data. Some people argue that math isn't relevant to life. They say they'll never use it outside of school. To those people I say au contraire, bonjour. Despite having a career that requires absolutely zero math skills, I happen to have put my own math skills to good use by illustrating my points through pie charts. For example:
Alas, I have found that more often than not, the case is as follows:
I'm sure many of you can relate to this. I have remained at the same point on the totem pole since I began college, regardless of my job. I seem to have hit some sort of glass totem pole ceiling. When I graduated, I thought (wrongly) that I might actually get to move up the pole. I figured if I had a degree and a professional license, that had to put me above a few people, right? It does. As you can plainly see from the illustration, I'm in a position to have as many as one intern working right under me.
Alas, I have found that more often than not, the case is as follows:
The data from that second graph can actually be extended beyond the realm of my work and applied to other parts of my life, like paying bills, exercising, taking showers, or getting out of bed. You could also change the title of the above graph to "How Much Rae Likes People", "How Sober is Rae", or "How Interesting Are Rae's Blog Posts". You can even manipulate the graph to apply to other people. For example, it could also be entitled "How Good Kyle Brotzman is at Field Goals" or "How Productive is Cody before 10am".
Since I am obviously very good at producing relevant, functional, all-purpose graphs, I would be happy to make a graph for you. Just email me the information and I can produce some graphics for your next fiscal report or office meeting. I'd be happy to get to that as soon as I'm not doing Lynne's work for her. And if you're curious about when that is, please refer to the following graph:
Friday, December 3, 2010
Cabin Fever
I don't know about the rest of you, but Cody and I have been in a little bit of a funk. Actually, Cody has been in a little bit of a funk. I've been in a full-blown, five-alarm psychosis. The funkiness seems to have stemmed from the fact that sometime between Halloween and Thanksgiving, sneaky devil aliens took over the planet and transformed it into a weird, foggy nightmare land where it's dark all the time and constantly raining/snowing and armies of crazed zombie shoppers stagger around in public places, making it impossible to find a parking space or buy something without standing in line for an hour. Either that, or its wintertime and the holiday season. I'm sticking with the alien/zombie mutant scenario because it's less depressing.
Whatever the reason, we haven't done much lately except go home after work and sit in the house with the blinds closed, watching whatever swill is on the TV and drinking ourselves into numbness for seven hours straight. This constant confinement has begun to take its toll because Cody and I are starting to get cabin fever from wandering around in the dark half-drunk and bumping into each other. He deals with it better than I do. He was able to stave off looniness by going skiing for four days straight over the Thanksgiving holiday. I, on the other hand, have descended into full-blown madness. So if anyone wonders why they haven't heard from me, it's because I've been sitting in the corner of my closet in a straightjacket, watching invisible fireflies and singing "London bridge is falling down" over and over again.
I suppose getting some exercise would help things. Unfortunately, the entire city is knee-deep in filthy, wet slush, so outdoor workouts aren't an option. I'd go to a gym, but the thought of standing elbow to elbow with all the zombies on a treadmill in a row of treadmills in a sea of workout equipment sends me right back to my closet. I could go out and do something, but I'm nearly paralyzed by the thought of driving through all the holiday chaos. Plus, I don't own a practical pair of shoes, which means I'll look like an idiot sliding across sheets of ice and baby-stepping around ten foot deep slush puddles in my 3 inch stiletto boots. I guess I'll order a pair of galoshes off of Amazon.com and then sit in the closet until they're delivered.
Yesterday, I decided I couldn't take another night of TV and alcohol and in a flash of brilliance, decided I would MAKE Christmas presents this year. I did some looking around online and determined how to accomplish making the thing I decided to make and then went to the craft store on my lunch hour. With all the shopper-zombies. Dumb.
I stood in line for almost 40 minutes and used up my lunch hour and then some. I was so flustered by how busy it was- even in the early afternoon on a weekday- that I forgot some things I needed and had to go back after work, when it was even busier. I was totally disenchanted with the whole "crafty" thing at this point. What were all those people doing in the craft store at two o'clock in the afternoon on a Thursday? Didn't any of them have jobs? What could they possibly be making? I decided I was never trying to do a craft project again. After all, we know how the "homemade gift" thing goes. You go and buy all the crap to make the thing and then life and bills and work and exercise and groceries and laundry happen and you never actually finish it, so you end up spending twice as much money because you have to go and buy actual presents and then your Christmas craft junk sits around and craps up your house until St. Patrick's day when you decide you'll never finish and you throw it away. I was never going to do another project.
Until......I actually sat down and made the thing I was going to make. Unfortunately, I can't tell you or show you what it is because the people the things are for might read this and then wonder if it's for them and the surprise would be ruined and then the rest of you would be jealous because you all want one too, but I can't make enough things for everyone cause I have a day job. Which is too bad, because the things that I made? Super awesome. They are insanely cool and I stayed up *way* too late being crafty and watching American Dad and having way too much fun for a weeknight and now today I'm too tired to use proper grammar. So just know that my craft skills will melt your face off.
Also, while I was at the craft store, I had the most awkward conversation of my life with the really weird (possibly stoned) clerk who had the most monotone voice of all time. I can't remember her name, so I'm gonna call her Cashier (which is probably something some idiot would actually name their daughter, except it would be pronounced with a French accent, like "cash-yay"). It went something like this:
Cashier: "Oh my gosh, your eyelashes are really long."
Me: "Thanks"
I instantly felt like a douche for saying thanks because she may not have been complimenting me, but just making an observation. Maybe she actually thinks long eyelashes are creepy.
Cashier: "I like your earrings, too. They're really cute."
Me: "Oh, thanks."
Cashier: "That coat is really pretty. Did you get it at Ross?"
Me: "Uh, no.....the mall. Thanks, though."
Since there are about a billion stores in the mall, she probably thought I was NOT telling her the exact store on purpose so she couldn't go and buy the same coat and now she thinks I'm a dick.
Cashier: "Your hair is really long, too."
I hesitate. Is this another observation? Should I say thanks?
Cashier: "It's really pretty."
I couldn't say thanks again or I would feel like a schmuck. Why was she doing this? Was she trying to make my head explode? My mind was racing. I just smiled weakly and then realized I should compliment her back because that's the socially acceptable thing to do.
Me: "I really like your....bracelet."
Cashier: "These are my register keys....."
Cashier holds up her arm to reveal one of those stretchy, curly bands that looks like a telephone cord with some small keys dangling from it.
Me: "Oh....."
Awkward silence.
Cashier: "That's a cute ring too. Jeez...I guess everything about you is just cute, cute, cute....."
Awkward silence. She said this in a very bitter, sarcastic tone so that I felt really guilty, like I did something wrong.
Cashier: [points behind me] "But I like HER coat better than yours, so don't get a big head or anything...."
We both turn to look at the customer behind me, whose coat was actually a bath robe.
Me: "Heh....me...too......"
Cashier stares at me without blinking, then slowly, wordlessly extends her hand to give me my receipt. She holds onto it for a few seconds after I grab it so I can't take it right away and I'm forced to just stand there, both of us holding the receipt. When she finally lets go, my hand drops and I knock over the little Jerry's Kids donation can. Instead of picking it up, I just turned and ran out of the store.
I'm not sure just when I became this socially awkward. Maybe I always was. Or maybe I haven't been getting out enough lately. Or *maybe* Cashier was actually a zombie.
Whatever the reason, we haven't done much lately except go home after work and sit in the house with the blinds closed, watching whatever swill is on the TV and drinking ourselves into numbness for seven hours straight. This constant confinement has begun to take its toll because Cody and I are starting to get cabin fever from wandering around in the dark half-drunk and bumping into each other. He deals with it better than I do. He was able to stave off looniness by going skiing for four days straight over the Thanksgiving holiday. I, on the other hand, have descended into full-blown madness. So if anyone wonders why they haven't heard from me, it's because I've been sitting in the corner of my closet in a straightjacket, watching invisible fireflies and singing "London bridge is falling down" over and over again.
I suppose getting some exercise would help things. Unfortunately, the entire city is knee-deep in filthy, wet slush, so outdoor workouts aren't an option. I'd go to a gym, but the thought of standing elbow to elbow with all the zombies on a treadmill in a row of treadmills in a sea of workout equipment sends me right back to my closet. I could go out and do something, but I'm nearly paralyzed by the thought of driving through all the holiday chaos. Plus, I don't own a practical pair of shoes, which means I'll look like an idiot sliding across sheets of ice and baby-stepping around ten foot deep slush puddles in my 3 inch stiletto boots. I guess I'll order a pair of galoshes off of Amazon.com and then sit in the closet until they're delivered.
Yesterday, I decided I couldn't take another night of TV and alcohol and in a flash of brilliance, decided I would MAKE Christmas presents this year. I did some looking around online and determined how to accomplish making the thing I decided to make and then went to the craft store on my lunch hour. With all the shopper-zombies. Dumb.
I stood in line for almost 40 minutes and used up my lunch hour and then some. I was so flustered by how busy it was- even in the early afternoon on a weekday- that I forgot some things I needed and had to go back after work, when it was even busier. I was totally disenchanted with the whole "crafty" thing at this point. What were all those people doing in the craft store at two o'clock in the afternoon on a Thursday? Didn't any of them have jobs? What could they possibly be making? I decided I was never trying to do a craft project again. After all, we know how the "homemade gift" thing goes. You go and buy all the crap to make the thing and then life and bills and work and exercise and groceries and laundry happen and you never actually finish it, so you end up spending twice as much money because you have to go and buy actual presents and then your Christmas craft junk sits around and craps up your house until St. Patrick's day when you decide you'll never finish and you throw it away. I was never going to do another project.
Until......I actually sat down and made the thing I was going to make. Unfortunately, I can't tell you or show you what it is because the people the things are for might read this and then wonder if it's for them and the surprise would be ruined and then the rest of you would be jealous because you all want one too, but I can't make enough things for everyone cause I have a day job. Which is too bad, because the things that I made? Super awesome. They are insanely cool and I stayed up *way* too late being crafty and watching American Dad and having way too much fun for a weeknight and now today I'm too tired to use proper grammar. So just know that my craft skills will melt your face off.
Also, while I was at the craft store, I had the most awkward conversation of my life with the really weird (possibly stoned) clerk who had the most monotone voice of all time. I can't remember her name, so I'm gonna call her Cashier (which is probably something some idiot would actually name their daughter, except it would be pronounced with a French accent, like "cash-yay"). It went something like this:
Cashier: "Oh my gosh, your eyelashes are really long."
Me: "Thanks"
I instantly felt like a douche for saying thanks because she may not have been complimenting me, but just making an observation. Maybe she actually thinks long eyelashes are creepy.
Cashier: "I like your earrings, too. They're really cute."
Me: "Oh, thanks."
Cashier: "That coat is really pretty. Did you get it at Ross?"
Me: "Uh, no.....the mall. Thanks, though."
Since there are about a billion stores in the mall, she probably thought I was NOT telling her the exact store on purpose so she couldn't go and buy the same coat and now she thinks I'm a dick.
Cashier: "Your hair is really long, too."
I hesitate. Is this another observation? Should I say thanks?
Cashier: "It's really pretty."
I couldn't say thanks again or I would feel like a schmuck. Why was she doing this? Was she trying to make my head explode? My mind was racing. I just smiled weakly and then realized I should compliment her back because that's the socially acceptable thing to do.
Me: "I really like your....bracelet."
Cashier: "These are my register keys....."
Cashier holds up her arm to reveal one of those stretchy, curly bands that looks like a telephone cord with some small keys dangling from it.
Me: "Oh....."
Awkward silence.
Cashier: "That's a cute ring too. Jeez...I guess everything about you is just cute, cute, cute....."
Awkward silence. She said this in a very bitter, sarcastic tone so that I felt really guilty, like I did something wrong.
Cashier: [points behind me] "But I like HER coat better than yours, so don't get a big head or anything...."
We both turn to look at the customer behind me, whose coat was actually a bath robe.
Me: "Heh....me...too......"
Cashier stares at me without blinking, then slowly, wordlessly extends her hand to give me my receipt. She holds onto it for a few seconds after I grab it so I can't take it right away and I'm forced to just stand there, both of us holding the receipt. When she finally lets go, my hand drops and I knock over the little Jerry's Kids donation can. Instead of picking it up, I just turned and ran out of the store.
I'm not sure just when I became this socially awkward. Maybe I always was. Or maybe I haven't been getting out enough lately. Or *maybe* Cashier was actually a zombie.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Stuff We've Been Doing Instead of Blogging
Where have we been? I'm sure you've been on the edge of your seats, awaiting a new post with baited breath. Here's the stuff we've been doing instead of blogging:
-Eating
A few weeks ago, we had a Summers family dinner party at Jeff and Julie's in Kuna. I debuted my culinary "Magnum Opus"- the greatest soup ever made. I wrote the recipe myself. I'm not going to tell you what was in it, except that it was chock full of seafood seafood seafood. Just know that each bite was a party in our mouths that only we were invited to. I hesitate to call it soup, really. Liquid happy mystical tastefulness is more like it. But that takes too long to say.
-Crashing
On a more somber note, my mom tried to drive to Boise for Thanksgiving and had a crash. Actually it was more like a roll. Several rolls, in fact. She, Angus, and Pluto (the dog) were all ok, but alas, the car was not. The car was dead. RIP car. We're all thankful that everyone survived. My mom came out of it looking like a Halloween horror movie costume, but there were no broken bones or head injuries. Just some blood loss. Angus said she looked like "Bloody Mary". I said she looked like she needed a bloody mary. Either that or she was drinking one just before she crashed. But she swears it was black ice and not a DUI.
-Eating More
Despite the crashing, the eating continued. And, more importantly, the PIE MAKING!! I made pies! I'm like Betty Crocker, only instead of a housewife, I'm an alcoholic. Okay, maybe not. But I did make these pies. Check them out. I had to make enough pies for all 12 of the family members eating with us.
I actually took more pictures of pies than people. Come to think of it, I don't think I took any pictures of people. Hey, you gotta have your priorities.
I made four species of pie- Blackberry, Pumpkin, Crunchy Cream Cheese Pumpkin, and Maple Nutmeg Cream. I think the Blackberry was the most popular. Srsly, it was the best blackberry pie I've ever made. Not bad for my first blackberry pie making experience, eh?
Whipping cream, real maple syrup, nutmeg, egg yolks....okay, okay, I'll come over and make it for you. But you're buying the booze.
In addition, it was the first Thanksgiving that Mikenna and Ken tried combining the Johnsons AND the Summers/Skinners for a holiday get-together. Nobody even gave anyone else a black eye or anything. Except mom. She already had one. It was a wonderfully joyous occasion. The turkey was great, the atmosphere was festive. And I was drunk, trying to play Wii and yelling at the TV. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
-Sucking
The Broncos lost. The. Broncos. Lost. Lost. As in didn't win. And all we could do was watch in stunned horror.
Since we [gulp] lost, I've been walking around in a haze of terrible awful doom and sadfulness. I feel like a terrible kraken dragged me into a dark cave and did unspeakable things to my soul.
Even so, when we play again on Saturday, I hope that every last stinkin' fan will be out there cheering their heads off and not being dirty rotten fair-weather fans. And even though I want to wad Kyle Brotzman up into a ball and kick a winning 26 yard field goal with him, I hope no one boos him on Senior Day because that is super lameness. I bet his soul feels like a Kraken raped it in a dark cave, too. And since I know how that feels, I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Except that dirty cheater Cam Newton.
-Eating
-Crashing
On a more somber note, my mom tried to drive to Boise for Thanksgiving and had a crash. Actually it was more like a roll. Several rolls, in fact. She, Angus, and Pluto (the dog) were all ok, but alas, the car was not. The car was dead. RIP car. We're all thankful that everyone survived. My mom came out of it looking like a Halloween horror movie costume, but there were no broken bones or head injuries. Just some blood loss. Angus said she looked like "Bloody Mary". I said she looked like she needed a bloody mary. Either that or she was drinking one just before she crashed. But she swears it was black ice and not a DUI.
-Eating More
Despite the crashing, the eating continued. And, more importantly, the PIE MAKING!! I made pies! I'm like Betty Crocker, only instead of a housewife, I'm an alcoholic. Okay, maybe not. But I did make these pies. Check them out. I had to make enough pies for all 12 of the family members eating with us.
I actually took more pictures of pies than people. Come to think of it, I don't think I took any pictures of people. Hey, you gotta have your priorities.
I made four species of pie- Blackberry, Pumpkin, Crunchy Cream Cheese Pumpkin, and Maple Nutmeg Cream. I think the Blackberry was the most popular. Srsly, it was the best blackberry pie I've ever made. Not bad for my first blackberry pie making experience, eh?
Whipping cream, real maple syrup, nutmeg, egg yolks....okay, okay, I'll come over and make it for you. But you're buying the booze.
In addition, it was the first Thanksgiving that Mikenna and Ken tried combining the Johnsons AND the Summers/Skinners for a holiday get-together. Nobody even gave anyone else a black eye or anything. Except mom. She already had one. It was a wonderfully joyous occasion. The turkey was great, the atmosphere was festive. And I was drunk, trying to play Wii and yelling at the TV. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
-Sucking
The Broncos lost. The. Broncos. Lost. Lost. As in didn't win. And all we could do was watch in stunned horror.
Even so, when we play again on Saturday, I hope that every last stinkin' fan will be out there cheering their heads off and not being dirty rotten fair-weather fans. And even though I want to wad Kyle Brotzman up into a ball and kick a winning 26 yard field goal with him, I hope no one boos him on Senior Day because that is super lameness. I bet his soul feels like a Kraken raped it in a dark cave, too. And since I know how that feels, I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Except that dirty cheater Cam Newton.
So now, instead of being filled with visions of jolly bowl game trips in warm-weather locales, the winter ahead looks like this:
Actually, it doesn't. It looks like this:
On an unrelated note, if you say "snow" over and over in your head, it starts to sound really weird. Isn't "snow" a weird word?
Monday, November 22, 2010
Pants-Peeing Awesomeness (UPDATED!)
*You should probably not read this article anymore because it will make you cry.
Want to read something that will make your insides feel like they're being gently bathed in warm, cinnamon scented, liquid steroids? Then read this article!
*Psst!! That's a link up there! Click it!
Want to read something that will make your insides feel like they're being gently bathed in warm, cinnamon scented, liquid steroids? Then read this article!
*Psst!! That's a link up there! Click it!
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Tailgate Highlights
Today's episode of College Tailgate Final is brought to you by Peppermint Schnapps.
PRE-GAME:
Since it was cold, we made the big switch from cold beer mode into "hot toddy" mode. I had to work all day, so Cody was in charge of tailgate preparation and bless him, he did a great job. He pulled together an impressive tailgate spread of coffee with Irish cream and hot chocolate with two bottles of peppermint schnapps. And hot dogs. Cody was able to put away almost an entire bottle of schnapps before kickoff- very impressive stats. He is REALLY preparing for this game. We can certainly expect a top-notch performance out of him tonight.
FIRST QUARTER:
The team got off to a rocky start, so I spent the first quarter worrying about dropping in the polls and Cody spent the first quarter talking about how great Peppermint Schnapps is. And admonishing me for doubting our inevitable national championship bid.
End of quarter score: Broncos 3, Bulldogs 0
SECOND QUARTER:
Actual Conversation-
Cody: "Babe! We are the number one team in the country. I know it! We could beat anyone! Bring it on! We can take on anyone!
Rae: "I dunno......we might lose to Ore....."
Cody: "You're always doubting us. You've been saying since day one that we would lose to Alabama, we would lose to Texas.....You're such a naysayer!"
Rae: "Texas? I never said we would lose to Tex...."
Cody: "We would beat ANYONE. Guaranteed."
Rae: "Hey! Back at the start of the season, I thought we might actually lose to Alabama. Things changed. I can change my mind if I want to! I thought Alabama would be number 1 all season. They weren't. The only team I'm worried about anymore is Oregon. I think Oregon actually might be able to beat us if we pla........."
Cody: "Oregon? Do you know what we would do to Oregon? I will tell you what we would do to the Ducks. We would take their butts and shove 'em up their asses....."
Rae: ??????.....
End of quarter score: Broncos 20, Bulldogs 0
HALFTIME:
Back out at the tailgate, Cody puts away another half bottle of schnapps. If he keeps these stats up, he might just have a record breaking night. We don't see this kind of performance from him every game. We are definitely dealing with one finely tuned athlete.
THIRD QUARTER:
I smuggled the remainder of our 2nd bottle of peppermint schnapps into the stadium in the waistband of my long underwear. I decided, after some discussion, to put it in the front of my pants because no one would dare say anything right? I could be pregnant or even just fat and NOBODY would dare say something, right? They would be all "Excuse me, but it looks like you have something in the front of your shirt" and I'd be all "Are you saying I'm fat?" and I'd turn to Cody and start to cry because the ticket-taker said I look fat and the ticket taker would feel bad and we'd get free loge seats for next season. That's how it plays out in my head, anyways..... Long story short, I looked like I was pregnant. With a peppermint booze baby.
End of quarter score: Broncos 37, Bulldogs 0
FOURTH QUARTER:
Cody and I got into an interesting debate revolving around how many people in the stands had actually killed someone. I clarified that I meant people who had gotten away with killing someone and NOT people who had been punished and done time for it. Looking around, I KNEW there had to be some people there who had been keeping the body under their back porch as a dirty little secret for years and years. I said that there must surely be 5 or 6. He said no, if there was ONE that would really be something. Law enforcement is no slouch, he said. There was MAYBE 1. I said no, there had to be at least 5. Then we debated about whether or not to count veterans who had served in active duty.
Final score: Broncos 51, Bulldogs 0
POST-GAME:
By this time, the full effects of the Schnapps had been realized. We had to take down the easy-up now. This is not the easiest job. For those of you who live in a hole and as such have never been to a tailgate party, this is what an easy-up looks like-
Me, I love the easy up. I don't think it's been that big a pain to put up or take down and I enjoy the shade during hot tailgates and the shelter during rain/snow. The easy-up, though, is the bane of Cody's existence and his dad's as well. They affectionately refer to it as the "Easy up, Motherfucker down".
As we began to take down the easy up this particular night, something wasn't working quite right. The supporting poles wouldn't bend in and collapse so we could fold it up. Cody was in no mood to mess with the thing.
PRE-GAME:
Since it was cold, we made the big switch from cold beer mode into "hot toddy" mode. I had to work all day, so Cody was in charge of tailgate preparation and bless him, he did a great job. He pulled together an impressive tailgate spread of coffee with Irish cream and hot chocolate with two bottles of peppermint schnapps. And hot dogs. Cody was able to put away almost an entire bottle of schnapps before kickoff- very impressive stats. He is REALLY preparing for this game. We can certainly expect a top-notch performance out of him tonight.
FIRST QUARTER:
The team got off to a rocky start, so I spent the first quarter worrying about dropping in the polls and Cody spent the first quarter talking about how great Peppermint Schnapps is. And admonishing me for doubting our inevitable national championship bid.
End of quarter score: Broncos 3, Bulldogs 0
SECOND QUARTER:
Actual Conversation-
Cody: "Babe! We are the number one team in the country. I know it! We could beat anyone! Bring it on! We can take on anyone!
Rae: "I dunno......we might lose to Ore....."
Cody: "You're always doubting us. You've been saying since day one that we would lose to Alabama, we would lose to Texas.....You're such a naysayer!"
Rae: "Texas? I never said we would lose to Tex...."
Cody: "We would beat ANYONE. Guaranteed."
Rae: "Hey! Back at the start of the season, I thought we might actually lose to Alabama. Things changed. I can change my mind if I want to! I thought Alabama would be number 1 all season. They weren't. The only team I'm worried about anymore is Oregon. I think Oregon actually might be able to beat us if we pla........."
Cody: "Oregon? Do you know what we would do to Oregon? I will tell you what we would do to the Ducks. We would take their butts and shove 'em up their asses....."
Rae: ??????.....
End of quarter score: Broncos 20, Bulldogs 0
HALFTIME:
Back out at the tailgate, Cody puts away another half bottle of schnapps. If he keeps these stats up, he might just have a record breaking night. We don't see this kind of performance from him every game. We are definitely dealing with one finely tuned athlete.
THIRD QUARTER:
I smuggled the remainder of our 2nd bottle of peppermint schnapps into the stadium in the waistband of my long underwear. I decided, after some discussion, to put it in the front of my pants because no one would dare say anything right? I could be pregnant or even just fat and NOBODY would dare say something, right? They would be all "Excuse me, but it looks like you have something in the front of your shirt" and I'd be all "Are you saying I'm fat?" and I'd turn to Cody and start to cry because the ticket-taker said I look fat and the ticket taker would feel bad and we'd get free loge seats for next season. That's how it plays out in my head, anyways..... Long story short, I looked like I was pregnant. With a peppermint booze baby.
End of quarter score: Broncos 37, Bulldogs 0
FOURTH QUARTER:
Cody and I got into an interesting debate revolving around how many people in the stands had actually killed someone. I clarified that I meant people who had gotten away with killing someone and NOT people who had been punished and done time for it. Looking around, I KNEW there had to be some people there who had been keeping the body under their back porch as a dirty little secret for years and years. I said that there must surely be 5 or 6. He said no, if there was ONE that would really be something. Law enforcement is no slouch, he said. There was MAYBE 1. I said no, there had to be at least 5. Then we debated about whether or not to count veterans who had served in active duty.
Final score: Broncos 51, Bulldogs 0
POST-GAME:
By this time, the full effects of the Schnapps had been realized. We had to take down the easy-up now. This is not the easiest job. For those of you who live in a hole and as such have never been to a tailgate party, this is what an easy-up looks like-
As we began to take down the easy up this particular night, something wasn't working quite right. The supporting poles wouldn't bend in and collapse so we could fold it up. Cody was in no mood to mess with the thing.
Rather than attempt to determine the reason for the hang-up, the answer was clearly to use more force. The longer Cody tried to get it to fold up, the more annoyed he got. Pretty soon he was in a mint booze fueled episode. There was no anger or shouting. Just pure, unadulterated hate for the easy-up. Finally, he did the only other thing he could think to do. He judo-chopped the poles.
Plastic pieces and chunks flew left and right. Cody's brother-in-law and I were helpless bystanders, watching as Cody murdered the easy-up. When he was done "fixing" it, it was totally mangled.
And then came his second brilliant solution. Why not throw the now-mangled easy up in the dumpster? Despite my protests, he insisted it was easily replaceable, if he even decided to get another, that was. This was such a brilliant solution to centuries of struggles between the easy up and mankind. As we dumbfoundedly assisted him in gathering the pieces and hauling the remains to the trash, he regaled us with loudly-told tales of past wars with the easy up. It seemed they had all been worth it now, as he heaved the busted up canopy into the dumpster. He was jubilant with glee.
And that is how the easy up died. So if you're planning on coming to the next (last) tailgate of the season, you best bring your umbrella.
FINAL SCORE: Cody 1, Easy up 0
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Hey Followers!!
Guess what? If you're a follower and you are interested, I can add you to an email list that will automatically email you the link whenever there's a new posting! What does that mean? It means that every time I post rad awesomeness, you'll automatically be notified! It's like a hallelujah chorus for your inbox! So you'll never have to miss a moment of our sheer comedic genius! If you want on the list, just leave me a comment after this post and I'll put your email address on our VIP list! Yay super fun-times multiple exclamation point happy jolliness!!!!
Actual Conversations
Actual conversation during dinner at The Tavern with my mother-
Mom: "We've been studying the different generations and how to solve conflict between them. You know, like 'Baby Boomers', 'Generation X'......"
Me: "What generation am I, then?"
Mom: "Well, you'd be a 'Millennial' and Cody and I are from 'Generation X'."
Me: "Don't point out that he and I are in different generations, ma. He does that all the time on his own."
Cody: "I'm actually probably right on the cusp between generations. I've also been told I could be considered 'Generation Y' too."
Me: "You're 'Generation WTF'."
Cody: "You're 'Generation STFU'."
---------------------------------------------------------------
Actual conversation overheard between my dad and my uncle at a tailgate party:
Jeff: "Hey, by the way, I still need to give you back your chestnut roaster."
Todd: "Oh yeah! You know what I wanna try sometime? Using one of those old popcorn poppers. You know, like the one we used to pretend was a banjo?"
Mom: "We've been studying the different generations and how to solve conflict between them. You know, like 'Baby Boomers', 'Generation X'......"
Me: "What generation am I, then?"
Mom: "Well, you'd be a 'Millennial' and Cody and I are from 'Generation X'."
Me: "Don't point out that he and I are in different generations, ma. He does that all the time on his own."
Cody: "I'm actually probably right on the cusp between generations. I've also been told I could be considered 'Generation Y' too."
Me: "You're 'Generation WTF'."
Cody: "You're 'Generation STFU'."
---------------------------------------------------------------
Actual conversation overheard between my dad and my uncle at a tailgate party:
Jeff: "Hey, by the way, I still need to give you back your chestnut roaster."
Todd: "Oh yeah! You know what I wanna try sometime? Using one of those old popcorn poppers. You know, like the one we used to pretend was a banjo?"
Monday, November 15, 2010
Project Complete!!
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Project!!
Guess what I'm doing this weekend?!?! I'll give you a hint:
After almost two years of talking about it, Cody finally agreed to let me paint the wall in the dining room!! Yay!!
I would say "we" are going to paint it, but Cody would "rather sit on his ass" (yes, he said that). Apparently he and his dad think that painting is something you're supposed to pay other people to do. But I LOVE painting, so I'm super excited. Plus, after watching 7 college football games today (not kidding- 7), I was ready to jump out of my skin. I had to do something, so Cody agreed to take me to Lowe's to get the supplies, which he claims is the hardest part of a painting project. I guess if that's the only part of the project you actually DO, it is the hardest part. But I can't knock him too much, cause he shelled out the $70 for the supplies.
So anyways, I'm going to spend tomorrow painting the wall. Here's the before picture.
Tonight I cleaned the wall, taped everything off, and "sealed the edges". Since his wall has rounded corners, we wanted the line between rooms to be really neat and straight. So I taped the lines and then used the same color of paint that's already on the wall to paint along the inside edge of the tape line. In theory, this will seal off the edge of the tape so that the new color doesn't leak underneath and make the edges uneven. Big thanks to Uncle Jeff for the tip! I hope our edges look as nice as his. More to follow! Stay tuned!
After almost two years of talking about it, Cody finally agreed to let me paint the wall in the dining room!! Yay!!
I would say "we" are going to paint it, but Cody would "rather sit on his ass" (yes, he said that). Apparently he and his dad think that painting is something you're supposed to pay other people to do. But I LOVE painting, so I'm super excited. Plus, after watching 7 college football games today (not kidding- 7), I was ready to jump out of my skin. I had to do something, so Cody agreed to take me to Lowe's to get the supplies, which he claims is the hardest part of a painting project. I guess if that's the only part of the project you actually DO, it is the hardest part. But I can't knock him too much, cause he shelled out the $70 for the supplies.So anyways, I'm going to spend tomorrow painting the wall. Here's the before picture.
Friday, November 12, 2010
!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
No shit, this is a bag of cookies I found in the office kitchen this morning:
Cookie anyone?
Didn't think so.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Technology 1, Cody and Rae 0
I wanted to share with you all an actual instant message conversation that took place the other day betwixt me and Cody. I said "betwixt" just now because it's more fun to say than "between". Plus....well, I'm rad.
I copied this straight from the instant message conversation we had and pasted it here so that you get the full impact of exactly what was said.
Before you begin reading it, though, I must give some important background by defining a few things for you.
"The Kaspersky Anti-Virus Debacle": Kaspersky is the anti-virus software that was installed on Cody's laptop by Best Buy when he bought it. It is supposedly guaranteed to launch a face-melting nuclear assault on all the zombie viruses that are attacking your puny weakling laptop. IF you keep it current. Cody's Kaspersky expired a month or two ago and he hasn't renewed it. It bleeps out this horrifying, stroke inducing warning alert every few minutes while you're using the computer and an annoying bubble pops up to remind you that if you don't renew soon, a ninja will stab you to death in your sleep. According to him, to renew will require everything but a barefoot treacherous climb to the top of Mordor to throw your laptop into the fiery pit. He very bombastically claims that it will take a whole day of being on the phone and creating accounts and driving to Best Buy and signing a billion dollar agreement in blood. I tried to tell him that if he'll just take it over to Best Buy and drop it off with the Geek Squad, they'll fix it all up and call him when its ready. But apparently even with that option, he still needs to take a whole vacation day during the week to do it because it will still take hours and hours and he refuses to waste a whole weekend day when he could be watching football or fishing. I've been trying to tell him it can't possibly be that big a deal, but we've been going back and forth about it for several weeks now.
"The Great Groupon Debacle": I recently signed up for Groupon. If you don't know, Groupon is a website that emails you a daily discount deal from a local store or shop or vendor. They usually give you such a good deal that you cannot possibly NOT buy the daily Groupon because it's typically like a billion percent discount. I keep hoping that I'll open my email one morning to find a Groupon for a $5 whole-body plastic surgery deal or free lasik eye surgery with the purchase of a 22 oz mocha. At any rate, I recently bought 4 fandango movie tickets for $20. If you've been to Edwards lately, you know that you're not getting out of there for less than the price of your sedan, so this was a good deal and I couldn't NOT buy it (which is exactly what the Groupon wants). After buying the Groupon, I was given a Groupon redemption code that I then had to take to the "My Weekly Cinema" website and enter, which in turn would give me the Fandango codes for the tickets, which could be taken to the Fandango site to pick your movie and get the theater code, which I would then enter at the ticket kiosk at the theater. This could not possibly fail. I was supremely confident that this hoop jumping was worth it, because I got cheap movie tickets and YOU didn't [neener neener]......It was fool proof. Plus, I had my old pal iPad on my side and I could do this stuff ANYWHERE!! I redeemed two of the tickets one evening whilst we ate at TGIFridays so that we could go to the movie right after. I was smug. "See?" I said. "Technology CAN be your friend." "Look at ME" I said. "I just reserved movie tickets while we ate dinner". I was euphoric.
Until we got to Edwards and then....well, BOOM goes the dynamite. When we got there, there was no wi-fi to retrieve my confirmation codes and the theater employees couldn't find my purchase in their system because I didn't use the Fandango site, I used the Groupon site. I went to the arcade to poach their wi-fi, but the iPad had a rare and massive brain fart and wouldn't connect to it. We ran to the Moxie Java to use theirs, but they needed a guest password and we hadn't bought anything and the wi-fi was for customers only. Cody kept saying we should just say "screw it" and go buy some tickets, but by this time, I was having a mini-nervous breakdown. We finally solved the problem using Cody's cell phone internet, which of course was working like gangbusters. I was just sure that somewhere deep down inside, he was smiling smugly that technology had once again taken a gigantic dump on me. I was NOT giving him the satisfaction of winning (and by winning, I mean me admitting that technology is a giant fail and him "saving the day" and paying for tickets). And I was totally demoralized that my Groupon AND my iPad, my precious, had both failed me. I felt like Satan had unleashed his evil mastiff on me and it was taking a hot steaming leak on my leg. I was choking back a fury like hell hath no. I was afraid that any minute, I'd melt into a big pile of anger and tears and disappointment and shame. And when the problem was solved, I felt totally stupid. I felt like a four-year old kid who needed a time-out.
Now that you know all that, you can read the conversation below:
Rae says:
Cody says:
Rae says:
Cody says:
OK... I will when I get a few minutes...
[Five minutes elapse]
Rae says:
Cody says:
Rae says:
Cody says:
Rae says:
Cody says:
Rae says:
Cody says:
Rae says:
Cody says:
Rae says:
Cody says:
Rae says:
Cody says:
Rae says:
Cody says:
Rae says:
Cody says:
Rae says:
Cody says:
Rae says:
I copied this straight from the instant message conversation we had and pasted it here so that you get the full impact of exactly what was said.
Before you begin reading it, though, I must give some important background by defining a few things for you.
"The Kaspersky Anti-Virus Debacle": Kaspersky is the anti-virus software that was installed on Cody's laptop by Best Buy when he bought it. It is supposedly guaranteed to launch a face-melting nuclear assault on all the zombie viruses that are attacking your puny weakling laptop. IF you keep it current. Cody's Kaspersky expired a month or two ago and he hasn't renewed it. It bleeps out this horrifying, stroke inducing warning alert every few minutes while you're using the computer and an annoying bubble pops up to remind you that if you don't renew soon, a ninja will stab you to death in your sleep. According to him, to renew will require everything but a barefoot treacherous climb to the top of Mordor to throw your laptop into the fiery pit. He very bombastically claims that it will take a whole day of being on the phone and creating accounts and driving to Best Buy and signing a billion dollar agreement in blood. I tried to tell him that if he'll just take it over to Best Buy and drop it off with the Geek Squad, they'll fix it all up and call him when its ready. But apparently even with that option, he still needs to take a whole vacation day during the week to do it because it will still take hours and hours and he refuses to waste a whole weekend day when he could be watching football or fishing. I've been trying to tell him it can't possibly be that big a deal, but we've been going back and forth about it for several weeks now.
"The Great Groupon Debacle": I recently signed up for Groupon. If you don't know, Groupon is a website that emails you a daily discount deal from a local store or shop or vendor. They usually give you such a good deal that you cannot possibly NOT buy the daily Groupon because it's typically like a billion percent discount. I keep hoping that I'll open my email one morning to find a Groupon for a $5 whole-body plastic surgery deal or free lasik eye surgery with the purchase of a 22 oz mocha. At any rate, I recently bought 4 fandango movie tickets for $20. If you've been to Edwards lately, you know that you're not getting out of there for less than the price of your sedan, so this was a good deal and I couldn't NOT buy it (which is exactly what the Groupon wants). After buying the Groupon, I was given a Groupon redemption code that I then had to take to the "My Weekly Cinema" website and enter, which in turn would give me the Fandango codes for the tickets, which could be taken to the Fandango site to pick your movie and get the theater code, which I would then enter at the ticket kiosk at the theater. This could not possibly fail. I was supremely confident that this hoop jumping was worth it, because I got cheap movie tickets and YOU didn't [neener neener]......It was fool proof. Plus, I had my old pal iPad on my side and I could do this stuff ANYWHERE!! I redeemed two of the tickets one evening whilst we ate at TGIFridays so that we could go to the movie right after. I was smug. "See?" I said. "Technology CAN be your friend." "Look at ME" I said. "I just reserved movie tickets while we ate dinner". I was euphoric.
Until we got to Edwards and then....well, BOOM goes the dynamite. When we got there, there was no wi-fi to retrieve my confirmation codes and the theater employees couldn't find my purchase in their system because I didn't use the Fandango site, I used the Groupon site. I went to the arcade to poach their wi-fi, but the iPad had a rare and massive brain fart and wouldn't connect to it. We ran to the Moxie Java to use theirs, but they needed a guest password and we hadn't bought anything and the wi-fi was for customers only. Cody kept saying we should just say "screw it" and go buy some tickets, but by this time, I was having a mini-nervous breakdown. We finally solved the problem using Cody's cell phone internet, which of course was working like gangbusters. I was just sure that somewhere deep down inside, he was smiling smugly that technology had once again taken a gigantic dump on me. I was NOT giving him the satisfaction of winning (and by winning, I mean me admitting that technology is a giant fail and him "saving the day" and paying for tickets). And I was totally demoralized that my Groupon AND my iPad, my precious, had both failed me. I felt like Satan had unleashed his evil mastiff on me and it was taking a hot steaming leak on my leg. I was choking back a fury like hell hath no. I was afraid that any minute, I'd melt into a big pile of anger and tears and disappointment and shame. And when the problem was solved, I felt totally stupid. I felt like a four-year old kid who needed a time-out.
Now that you know all that, you can read the conversation below:
Rae says:
Hey babe! How's your afternoon going?
Cody says:
Meh... OK... I've got the afternoon drowsies. You?
Rae says:
Me too.....You should go check the latest blog post. For real.
Cody says:
OK... I will when I get a few minutes...
[Five minutes elapse]
Your blog was same old, same old, Rae Summers- Genius.
I really liked it! Great humor!
Rae says:
If you say so......
Cody says:
I would comment, but I don't remember how...
I have to sign in or something, right?
Rae says:
It's not that hard. You just hit "comment" at the bottom of it.
Cody says:
Yeah... but then it asks to select "profile"...
Wtf is that?
Rae says:
Where it says "0 comments" or "1 comment"
You just click there and then use your Google profile to comment
Cody says:
Yeah... I don't remember my userid or password...
Rae says:
I say just forget about it then
Cody says:
Yeah, it should be easy... I only have 356 different userids and passwords...
I should have written it down...
Rae says:
Whatevs babe
I say just forget it
I dunno why you don't make all your userids and passwords the same
so you can remember them.
Cody says:
I think I figured it out...
and I wrote it down
I added it to my binder of userids and passwords
Rae says:
Well you didn't need to take a big chunk of time out of your day to comment
but thanks for the comment.
Cody says:
yeah... that's okay... it only took 20 minutes or so to figure it all out
Rae says:
[sigh]
Cody says:
I'm setting tomorrow aside to figure out my kaspersky anti-virus stuff...
may take the day off work
Rae says:
you should NOT do that and take THURSDAY off instead. I don't work.
That way, with our powers combined, we can do it in half a day
and use the other half for fishing.
Cody says:
I'm only taking the afternoon off for fishing Thursday...
Rae says:
but didn't you just say you were taking a whole day off for Kaspersky renewal stuff?
You'll take a whole day for that and only half for fishing?
Cody says:
actually I might just bring my computer into work tomorrow...
that way I can spend the whole day calling, downloading, etc, etc.
Rae says:
[sigh]
I like that you're a techno-pessimist, but a real-life optimist.
Cody says:
yeah... I can't wait for your next Groupon debacle... I'll try not to laugh...
Rae says:
Eff you
Monday, November 8, 2010
Hide ya kids.......
Rae! Cody! What have you been up to?
First of all we've been making fun of Antoine Dodson all weekend. In case you don't know about him, here is a link to the story (YES, a real ACTUAL news story. Repeat- this is not a joke):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EzNhaLUT520
Then came the re-mix:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TrWu13Uh2Yw&feature=related
Cody and I have been laughing about it for months. Then, last week, he emailed me this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L2uJyCPCy5w
Which gave us a third wind. We've been laughing about it all weekend. Thanks for taking that little journey with me. I trust you've all become dumber along the way.
What else? WELL.......
In addition to that, we tailgated Saturday. Broncos win again. Kellen Moore threw for 507 yards and three touchdowns. We also went ahead and rolled up a school-record 737 total yards and a 42-7 victory, thank you very much. Go Broncos! And what do we get for it?
I don't know about you, but I'm ok with TCU going to a major bowl game instead of us. I'd much rather play the California Bay Area Polytechnic School at the Kraft Macaroni and Cheese bowl on Christmas eve.
Once again, I brought the camera to the tailgate party, but I did NOT take any pictures of tailgating because everyone who was there knows what it looked like and if you weren't there, well I guess that's what you get for not coming. If you had, you'd know what it looked like and you wouldn't need pictures.
Sunday was my dad's
The time change yesterday totally threw us for a loop. Anyone else feel totally out of whack? It felt like bedtime for about five hours last night. At what felt like 8pm, we looked at the clock and it was 4:45. At what felt like 11pm, we looked at the clock and it was 7:15. At that point, we surrendered ourselves to our pajama pants. At what felt like midnight, but was actually 9pm, we decided to cure our boredom with mindless eating. I gave up and went to sleep on the couch at what felt like 2am, but was actually only 10:30. On the plus side, getting out of bed this morning wasn't quite as hard. And I didn't really mind yesterday seeming endless because I always get terrible Sunday blues. It allowed me to labor under the delusion that the weekend was much longer than it actually was. Hooray!!
It is VERY gory. And by VERY gory, I mean VERY VERY gory. And by VERY VERY gory, I mean VERY awesome. It's also definitely not for the kiddies. So if you're going to watch it, you better hide ya kids, hide ya wife.......
I am not normally a fan of "following" shows or series because then you're stuck watching every week and waiting to find out what happens. But I would follow a lot more shows if they had zombies in them. Like, if "Dancing with the Stars" had zombies, I'd probably watch that too.
That's it for today. Thanks for tuning in. For "Party of Two", I'm Rae Summers. You stay classy, everybody.
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