Worst Blog Post Ever [It is super long and rambling and has no pictures or cartoons] :(

So, it turns out that last night we went to a hockey game and I drank too much.  I say "it turns out" like going to the game was a spontaneous thing, but that's a lie.  We had it planned for like 3 weeks.  But I didn't know that I would drink too much.  Actually, that's a lie too.  I had a pretty good idea.  Anyway, last night we went to a hockey game at one of those nice hockey suites sponsored by someone Cody does business with.  Long story short, there was free wine and I had approximately one bottle all to myself.  Actually, that wasn't that long of a story.  I didn't need to say "long story short".  

I went to the hockey game and instead of stuffing my face with free food like most people would do, I stuffed my face with free booze because hey, you gotta have your priorities.  Then on the way home, I made Cody stop at Albertsons so I could go in and buy another bottle and I drank that one too. I probably wouldn't have drank so much, but as I've told you before, I have this crippling social phobia I never used to have.  I think my clients gave it to me.  In situations where I have to pretend to like people, my upper lip gets all sweaty and my chest breaks out in a rash and I become acutely aware of every tiny thing I do.  You know when you're trying hard to listen to someone in a social situation and you want to seem genuinely interested, you can't ever figured out what to do with your mouth?  Should you purse your lips?  Should you smile or not?  What if they get dry?   Will someone notice if you lick your lips to wet them? Is it ok to just do NOTHING with your mouth?  How do you make your mouth seem interested?  Don't you ever wonder these things?  No?  Well I do, all the time.  Then I have to run to the bathroom and hide in a stall. 

So I just drank more and more and more so I would feel social. I even called my mom and my sister to talk to them about how socially awkward I am, so they got to share in my evening.  I also went up to a bunch of Fresno football players and talked to them and got REALLY butt-hurt at Cody when he passed Pat Hill on the street and Cody didn't point him out because for some reason I really,really wanted a hug from Pat Hill.  Cody said Pat Hill would probably not want a hug from me, but I beg to differ.  Pat Hill would be totally into hugging me.  But by that time it was too late.

After drinking too much wine,  I sat up until I don't even know how late listening to "Fancy" by Reba McEntire over and over and over again.  Being drunk off of wine is unusual because all of a sudden you're just gone, like someone flipped a switch.  One minute I'm singing "Fancy don't let me down", the next, I'm flying up off of the couch in a panic and it's 7:35 am.  I'm lucky I woke up when I did because I'm supposed to be at work at 8 and I don't even remember laying down or Cody leaving and going to bed and I didn't set any sort of alarm.  It was like my brain went "Hey, dummy!  You're supposed to be up already and getting ready for work and thinking about how you don't want to go to work.  You're not doing that yet.  Start doing that!"  Lucky for me, my hair still looked good, so I just changed clothes and got in the car to go to work.  And then I realized I was still feeling tipsy.  And not wearing underpants because I couldn't find any clean ones.  [Notice how I'm always broadcasting my underpants situation to you all?  I'm lucky anyone reads this blog because no one really needs to hear my underpants updates but I give them anyway.  If anyone even reads this blog, which they probably don't.]  Calling in sick was the most tempting thing in the world, but I decided to go to work because calling in drunk is bad for your reputation.

On a side note, if you happen to have a really crappy window scraper like I do, your old expired motorcycle permit works really well.  Better than a proper window scraper, actually.  I went ahead and used it even though it has a really really good picture of me on it because my current driver's license looks like I'm wearing a fat suit and a red clown nose and no one would believe that the good motorcycle permit picture is even me at this point.

I realized as I was getting dressed for work that I'm actually a genius.  I'm like a stealth ninja monkey.  I look like total crap today; HOWEVER, I ALWAYS look like crap for work because I don't really get ready for work, I just put on clothes and get ready for work AT work.  So I can inadvertently hide the fact that I'm not on my game some days because I always look like I'm not on my game even when I actually am.  But today I'm not.  And no one will notice because I always look like this. On the other hand, my co-workers probably think its weird that after an hour at work, I magically look better than I did when I got there because at some point, I've put on makeup and done my hair.

Anyways, on the way to work, I ended up racing a hearse limo and I'm totally not making that up.  I didn't even know those existed, but they do.  I was next to it at a stoplight and my foot itched inside my shoe so I was trying to scratch it and my foot slipped and I accidentally slammed on the gas and revved the engine.  They must have thought I was trying to goad them into racing because they revved back and when the light turned green, they took off like a bat out of hell.  Those hearse limos can actually go really fast if you were wondering.

While I was driving to work, I took a shortcut on this side street through a residential area.  This red Volvo was in front of me and it was going ridiculously slow, probably because I was in a hurry and tailgating him so he wanted to teach me a lesson.  I was all yelling at him about how I had somewhere to be, like he could hear me, and then all of a sudden there was a cop parked on the side of the road.  The red Volvo instantly became my friend because I'm pretty sure if I got pulled over, I could still get a DUI because I'm probably still drunk.  I deduced this from the fact that prior to the whole red Volvo thing, someone made a funny joke on the Bob & Tom show and I smiled and I would never smile on the way to work unless I was drunk so I must still be drunk.  Thanks for going on that tangent with me.  Anyways, the cop on the side of the road literally did a u-turn and came up behind us and pulled over the guy right behind me.  And then I was all "oh thank you red Volvo man!  How did you KNOW, red Volvo man?  You must be clairvoyant!  You are my guardian angel.  My guardian angel in a red Volvo, red Volvo man!"  Because everyone knows you're an alcoholic if you get a DUI at 8 o'clock in the morning.

UPDATE:  It's now 12:40 pm and I've officially hit a wall.  I actually feel ok, but I'm extremely tired.  Like, the kind of tired where you're nodding off while sitting up.  Like when you're in college and you have a class at 2 in the afternoon right after you eat a big lunch and it's in a really warm lecture hall where they keep the lights low so they can use the projector so you nod off and someone has to wake you up on their way by because class is over and you didn't know.  That kind of tired.  That's the worst kind of tired because you SO want to go home and take a nap, but then after class, you have to walk home in the snow and then realize you locked yourself out of your apartment and you have to wait for your roommate to get home to let you in and by that time, the drowsiness is gone and you don't need a nap anymore.  But then you take one anyways and wake up and its 1am and realize you haven't done your geology homework and you have class in the morning so you drink some coffee and try to do it but now it's really late and you get the drowsy feeling again while you're trying to read your geology book so you finally blow it off and go to bed and then the coffee kicks in and you can't fall back to sleep.  THAT kind of tired totally sucks.

I have to go make coffee now because I thought ice water would wake me up because of the coldness, but it's not working.  Also, you know when there's a fly in the house and it keeps buzzing around your head annoying you but whenever you try to swat it or kill it, it darts away so you can't reach it?  That's what my thoughts are doing in my head.  For the whole day so far. 
I'm never drinking two bottles of wine on a weekday again.