Monday, July 30, 2012

Canada: A Survival Guide


Many of you might not consider Canada to be much of an exotic destination.  You might say to yourself, "Self, what's the big deal?  It's just CANADA." Do not be fooled, however, into forgetting that mild mannered Canada is indeed still a foreign country.  Things are slightly different there.  Having recently returned from a trip there- and I enjoyed it much more than a thump in the gut with a rock- I would like to offer those of you who have not yet been to Canada a few helpful tips for survival.


The Border Crossing



When you are crossing the border into Canada- or returning home- keep in mind a few simple things.  First of all, crossing the border is a very serious business.  It is not at all dissimilar to going through security at the airport.  It is not a good idea to be overly happy and it is definitely not a good idea to make jokes about drug smuggling or having a bomb in your underpants.  When you arrive at the station, a very serious border patrol agent will ask you a long series of questions such as "why are you coming into our country", or "do you have any bullets in the car", or "are you smuggling dangerous fruits and vegetables across our border", or "when was the last time you had your cholesterol checked".  Apparently they are very worried that some rogue fruits or veggies might shoot someone.  Answer these very honestly and do not use sarcasm.  Apparently border patrol agents do not understand- or at least do not appreciate- sarcasm.  Also, you should probably not be drinking alcohol when you cross.  Especially not if you are driving.

The Metric System
Canada uses the metric system.  The metric system is a very simple and consistent method of measuring things that is widely used all across the world.  That is why we do not use it in America.  If you have grown up with the metric system, it is perfectly natural to you.  If you have grown up in America, you will have no idea about anything and hence, Canada will probably think you're stupid.  It is a good idea to have a conversion app or chart of some kind because none of America's measurements translate smoothly into metrics whatsoever. The math and science is nearly impossible.


For example, in America, we know that a pound of meat is 16 ounces, but in Canada, a pound of meat isn't a pound or any ounces, it is 484 grams or some weird number.  It might seem like grams are measurements best left to drug dealers, but you should not say this out loud in Canada.  If you ask the deli lady for a pound of roast beef in a Canadian grocery store, she will give you three slices, shrug, and then laugh at you with the others after you've walked away from the counter. 

Just remember to keep your conversion calculator with you at all times so you will know how many miles you have left on your trip, how many miles per hour you can drive, how much gas costs per gallon, and how many pounds of chicken you need.  You probably won't know off the top of your head how many kilometers you have left, how much gas is per liter (or is it litre?), and how many grams of meat or cocaine you need because you are not a fucking mathematician.


Loonies and Toonies
Before you enter Canada, make sure you convert your American dollars into Canadian Money.  Their money is called loonies and toonies, which does make it hard to take seriously, but this is the currency they use, so you have to deal with it.


 They also have paper bills there, which looks like Monopoly money. I'm not sure what its called.  I guess its just called "money".  Lots of their money has pictures of the Queen of England because, let me tell you what- she is a big freaking deal there.  She's like the Oprah of Canada.


Grocery Shopping
When you go grocery shopping in Canada, get ready for an adventure, kids.  First of all, you have to get your shopping cart. Getting the cart out of the cart stand is a goddamn pain really quite simple.


If you do wish to utilize a shopping cart, you must pay one loonie. We can only assume this is because shopping carts are a hot commodity and thus frequently stolen.  The $1 price tag acts as a preventative measure since $1 is very expensive for a shopping cart and no one would pay that.  You get the cart out of the stand using this simple proedure-




While you shop, take care not to slam your elbow into the big key on the chain, which will be sticking out awkwardly from the loonie slot right in front of you.  

In Canada, everything costs much much more than here.  But you won't know this because all the prices are per litre or gram or kilogram which will mean nothing to you.  Trust me, it costs more. The only item that seems to cost less is real maple syrup, which is not surprising, since maple syrup seems to grow on trees up there. I mean, their flag has a maple syrup leaf on it.  You can get a big gallon of it for like 15 dollars.  Only it's not a gallon it's something metric.  And it isn't 15 dollars its 15 loonies.  Or is it 7.5 toonies?
 
There are some interesting flavors to try while you're in Canada.  For instance, you must try their "All Dressed" flavored chips.  They taste like a combination of barbeque and salt and vinegar and sour cream and onion.  Husband really enjoyed them, although I preferred "Au Gratin" or "Creamy Dill".



They also have "Smooth and Seasoned" flavored V-8, jumbo sized Rolos, and some giant candy bar called a "Wunderbar". 
When your shopping is finished, you'll need to do some calculations to determine how many grocery sacks you will need because you will also be paying for those.  They cost 5 cents each.  And shame on you for not having your own reusable bags.
Now that your shopping is complete, you must either give back the cart or lose your loonie.  This is the method for returning your cart-


Drinking in Canada
You are welcome to drink in Canada, but remember a few helpful hints.  First of all, alcohol is not available for purchase in any grocery store or gas station.  If you wish to purchase alcohol, you must locate a liquor store.  All alcohol is sold there.  It might be helpful to research the rules for transporting alcohol into Canada from the US, as there are limits on quantities.  Purchasing in the states is preferable, since alcohol in Canada is priced roughly the same as gold bricks are in America.  For example, a 24-pack of Coors Light cans will cost you approximately $45.  This is not an exaggeration.  It will cost this much.  You might think that a Canadian beer, such as Molson, would be cheaper.  This is not accurate.  Molson, the cheapest Canadian beer, is $52 for the same quantity. Also, while you are in the liquor store shopping, it is not a good idea to remark out loud that the cost of being a drunk in Canada is prohibitive, as this is inflammatory to the locals.

Bears

The whole country is chock full of bears and they can eat you at any time.  As such, there are many helpful signs posted that give advice about avoiding the bear attacks.  There are a number of useful ideas, but only a few tips are really important to remember. I have provided you with a photo I took of the important parts of one of said signs.



On an unrelated note, does anyone know how to appear cute, friendly, and apparently not interested in someone?  This could come in handy in a number of situations.

Other Helpful Facts
-Canadians have a number of ingenious traditions you must try.  Your bloody mary may very well contain green olives stuffed with pickled green beans, which is a fan-fucking-tastic idea.  Your french fries will likely come with brown gravy instead of ketchup or fry sauce.  This is possibly the greatest food combination to grace the planet.  Check out the local eateries during your visit.


-Canadian McDonald's seem to be exceptionally fancy and clean.  Their Loonie Menu is- if you can imagine- even tastier than our dollar menu, especially their sausage breakfast burritos.  Their coffee is also excellent. 

- Do not expect to order unsweetened iced tea anywhere in Canada ever.  Canadians do not take kindly to unsweetened iced tea and they don't appreciate you asking for it.  All well-bred Canucks take their iced tea with equal parts tea, sugar, and nasty lemon flavoring. If you happen to drink a gallon 3.785 litres of unsweetened iced tea per day like myself, you should bring your own into the country.

-Canadians love to spell stuff fancy, like litres and centres and colours and flavours.  


- If you need dry ice, you are up a creek.  Canada has no use for it and you cannot get it at the grocery store, gas station, or hardware store.  Many of the cars you will see in line to get into the US on your way home are likely Canucks headed across the border to buy cheap beer, unsweetened iced tea, and dry ice from the gas station.

- There are no police, but there ARE mounties.  Watch out- they'll getcha.



No Rush, But Go See Canada Sometime Maybe
So just remember that taking a trip to Canada is a good experience.  It's not a fucking awesome experience.  But it's pretty good.  Like, if going to Bora Bora would be fucking awesome, going to Canada is moderately neato.  Being in Canada is like finding a five dollar bill on the ground or getting a few bonus curly fries in the bottom of your regular fries or winning $2 on a scratch ticket. That's Canada- it's pretty darn okay.