How to Have "Fun" in Los Angeles

Are you considering a vacation?  A weekend getaway?  Why not take a few days and travel to

FABULOUS, SUNNY 

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA!!!!

I am confident you will thoroughly enjoy a weekend in L.A.  Why?  The bigger question is......why NOT????

I highly recommend booking your flight to L.A. on American Eagle, a subsidiary of American Airlines. They now have two flights from Boise to L.A. daily.  In addition to "low low pricing" on your tickets, you will experience a minor ass-raping of only $25 per bag checked and at least one screaming infant per flight- free of charge! Because really, why would the "low low price" of your plane tickets include a checked bag?  I mean, who takes BAGS on a vacation?  Who needs their STUFF on a weekend away?  You should probably go ahead and pay to check at least three bags because your belongings will totally not get stolen from your Los Angeles hotel room by a gang.  American Eagle offers "spacious", comfortable cabins and roomy seats.

After a "relaxing" flight to L.A., why not consider lodging with one of the finest airport hotels that California has to offer........

The Travelodge!!!

During my most recent stay in Los Angeles, I booked a very posh room in this facility and was most pleased.  We even paid the extra $15 for the beautiful "Balcony with Pool View"................

The vintage 1980s "southwestern" decor will make you feel right at home.  The proprietor of this fabulous hotel has taken special care to make sure that the huge gap under the "door" is small enough to keep out even the smallest cockroaches and the barrels of most guns.  

Wondering what else Los Angeles has to offer?  During your "fun-filled" stay in southern California, you'll experience........

"Thrilling" $150 cab rides!  

Exciting drive-by shootings!!

Fresh Air!

Clean Streets!

AND.........

I'm sure by now you've got an inexplicable yearning to travel to beautiful Los Angeles, California for a weekend away with your sweetheart.  Trust me- it's an incredible experience.  Nothing brings families together like fear and bed bugs.  

I'm pretty sure I've made my point-  Los Angeles is really really special and totally does not suck ass at all.

Asian to Engrish Translations are of Most Funny

Hi Everyone!

So, I'm totally not ignoring you and I'm not in jail and I haven't given up on blogging.  It's just that I'm not at home and where I'm staying doesn't have internet so I was literally cut off from my internet surfing cold turkey.  And no, I'm not in a third-world country.  I'm in Idaho Falls.  But I'm pretty sure you still need a passport to come here.  And actually, I think even some third world countries have internets because Heather sometimes emails me from Cambodia so there's really no excuse for this injustice.  

I have like a billion really awesome, spectacular, cartoon-heavy blogs in the works, but cartoons take a long time to draw when you're using paint and I'm pretty sure my mom's home PC uses floppy disks so things are a little slow here at The Party of Two. In lieu of blogging I've been driving children to dances and driving children to school and picking children up from friend's houses and helping children with homework and breaking up arguments between children and scolding the dog and making my mom tea.  

Oh, and I've fallen in love with a baby lamb which I'm pretty sure doesn't have a name so I'm calling him Argyle.  I will love Argyle forever or at least until he turns into a sheep, at which time his lack of intelligence and his deliciousness will begin to outweigh his cuteness. Even after I fall out of love with him, he'll probably still love me- which is sad but even sheep must learn that life is unfair.  Argyle runs from everyone else but he loves me and he follows me around and bats his long eyelashes at me and lets me grab his face and kiss his nose and I'm basically the Lamb Whisperer by now.

Anyways, to make a long story short, none of my cartoons are ready for publishing yet, so I'm throwing you a bone by sharing with you YET ANOTHER "Actual Conversations" blog post, which I've been saving for just such a moment as this.  It may not be on par with my usual side-splitting hilarity, but it's all I have right now.  Enjoy.  I'll let you know when I get back to Boise so you can take me out for a beer.  

______________________________________________________________

Here is an actual Messenger conversation that took place between Cody and I while I was bored on one of my last days of work-

Rae Says:  

Last week of work.......nothing to do.

I'm reduced to playing a fishing game on the internets.

Cody says:

Nice......lucky.

Rae says:

The directions are hilarious!

I love Chinese to Engrish mistransrations.

The instructions say "Take careful on this level, as fishes are more of timidness.  Also watch out for the most evil of crabs.  He will remove your line of fishing by his claws."

Cody says:

LOL

Rae says:

"We will keep track of all your achieves and score as you continue to playing"

Cody says:

Nice!

Hey, I'm starving already.  Anything in mind for dinner?

Rae says:

Ohhhhhh.....Tonight for you I cook most healthful of dinner for to eat.  So nice!

And if you like most pleasure, I can rub shoulders for you to partake of relaxing.

Cody says:

LOLOL!

You're hilarious

So, what are we having?

Rae says:

I am think for you I prepare most sweet of potato baked in oven.

Or perhaps you would care to partake of most spicy of turkey meat sauce with prepared noodoh?

Also in option for you is grilled chop of porkness with greens salad.

Cody says:

Whatever to make with most ease.

Rae says:

Made with most ease is pizza ordered from red hut.  But that option is not of most healthfulness.....

You like for me love you long time?

Cody says:

Oh jes... I want you love me long time.

Rae says:  

Ohhhhhhh jes.......I love you long time. 

You like for me yanky your wanky?  

[Cody has signed out of messenger]

Actual Conversations: Space Invaders Edition **LINK FIXED!**

Ever the sci-fi nerd, Cody sent me a link to an article from NBC News about how we are most definitely not alone in the universe.  Ever the horror nerd, I turned it into being about zombies. You should read it first (or at least skim it) so that the following instant message conversation makes more sense.....
-----------------------------------------

Cody says:
Babe!  Check out this article!!

Rae says:

I'm seeing some rad sci-fi movies coming our way after this discovery

Cody says:
Yeah... hopefully not more cowboys and aliens though.  LOL.

Rae says:

Like, how about a movie that takes place in the future where we find another planet with humans on it, only some crucial, yet unnoticeable things are different so we become mutated or get in a war or need to escape but the ship breaks down and the "other" humans start to eat us......

Cody says:
That would be rad
Or like, another planet with bizzaro versions of our selves
Like the Futurama episode with the universe boxes

Rae says:
OR like, we have to evacuate earth because a life-ending meteor is coming, so we find an earth-like planet and settle in and build a civilization. Then things start to go south because the oxygen is different or the plants are poisonous or zombies come up out of the ground and eat us

Cody says:
Yeah.... that sounds pretty cool

Rae says:

OR like, we make friends with the other "humans" on the other planets, but then one of our people breeds with one of their "people" and they give birth to a demon zombie "person" and it eats us.

Cody says:
Yeah... that would be cooh
You're all about the things that eat us.

Rae says:

I'm pretty sure we're gonna get eaten before this is over

Just saying

What would you do if there WAS a bizzaro earth 

And you went there and ran into bizzaro Rae 

Only she was ten times hotter than me?

Cody says:
Impossible

Rae says:

And then you had to choose between us?

Cody says:
Can't exist, since you are the pinnacle of hotness

Rae says:
PFFFTTT.......well thanks babe!
But seriously, answer the question.

Cody says:
But if it were even possible, she'd probably have to be our girlfriend. Heh.

Rae says:

But what if Rae + Bizzaro Rae = Zombie Death Rae and we both eat you?

HA!  Get it?  "Death Rae"? 

Cody says:
ROFLCOPTERS!

Rae says:

Maybe we would morph into one mega being that would rule both Earth AND Bizzaro Earth....

With lasers from our eyes

And mind control.

And wily powers of persuasion.....

Cody says:
Heh
I want beer and wine
That's what I want

Rae says:

So you DONT want a sexy Bizzaro Rae scenario, you just want a beer?  

.....You're boring.......

Cody says:
 I want to find a bizzaro earth, where the beer flows like wine, and the alcohol is super special cuz it doesn't give you hangovers or kill brain cells

Rae says:

But it still makes you drunk, right?

Cody says:
 Of COURSE!  Otherwise, what would be the point?

Rae says:

Toupe.......

But what if you drank the hangover free beer and then it turned you into a zombie with a thirst, not for more beer, but for eating people?

Cody says:
Then I guess I'd eat people

Rae says:

I wonder if we taste like chicken.....?

Cody says:
As for me, I'll have salad
With chicken

Rae says:

If you could taste a human, free of consequences, would you?

Like, say an old guy volunteers to be slain and cooked.  For science.  Would you eat him?

Cody says:
I would try it.  It's only meat.

Rae says:
That's icky

What if it's like baby lamb vs old mutton

The old sheep are all gamey and sinewy. 

 Maybe the old man would be all tough like an old sheep.

Cody says:
And gross......

Rae says:

Would you eat a baby?  

That would be like eating veal, kind of......

Like, if it died very unfortunately of natural causes and was prepared right afterward so it was still fresh?

Cody says:
Would take major seasoning and marinade
Would you?

Rae says:

Uh, no........that's sick.  You're sick.

The taste would be terrible.

I wouldn't eat people EVER.  That would wreck you for life

I mean, there's a reason cannibalism is frowned upon in most societies.... 

Cody says:
Yeah maybe

Rae says:

But I WOULD eat a zombie

If you eat a zombie, do you then possess its powers?

I think if you ate zombie, you'd get infected and BECOME a zombie.

Cody says:
Yeah.......you would.

Rae says:  

It might be fun to be a zombie.  

Cody says:
Your mind is so messed up.

Rae says:

This is SO going on the blog.....

[Cody has signed out of messenger]

A Voice Message From Lucifer

If you know me at all, you know that I could be described as “morbidly curious”.  My friend Jacquelyn calls it the “dark and twisties”, which is apparently something someone said on Grey’s Anatomy.  I wouldn’t know because that’s not a show about Jack the Ripper or ebola outbreaks so I’ve never watched it.  The last four books I read were written by Stephen King, 75% of the DVDs I own are horror movies, and I spend a pretty significant amount of time thinking about what I would do during a zombie apocalypse.  Needless to say, it takes a lot to scare me.

Now that you know a little more about me, let me tell you about the time my mom and I got a voicemail from the Prince of Darkness......

The other day, I was at a job interview taking some aptitude tests.  I was alone in a little room trying to fumble my way through a billion questions about Microsoft Excel when my emergency work phone rang.  I didn't answer- mostly because I was afraid they were watching me on a secret camera and it wouldn’t look good if I answered in the middle of my test.  After the interview, I checked the work phone and the call had come from a 901 area code, which I did not recognize.  I don’t have any clients whose family comes from a 901 area code.  They left no message and when I called the number back, it simply said “this voice mailbox is full.”  I didn’t think another thing of it.  Until that night…….

Cody was out of town on business, so I had my sister and her fiancé over for dinner.  In the middle of dinner, we both got a text from our mother saying that she just got a terrifying voicemail message.  I called her up, figuring she was the victim of a prank.  She informed me that she didn’t recognize the number it came from and that it had scared the living daylights out of her.  It was too horrible to talk about, she said.  I asked her to give me the number, intending to call the bastard who left the voicemail and rip them a new one.  Then she gave me the number.  Which had a 901 area code………

 A little red flag went up in my mind.  901, 901......Why was that familiar?  A light went on.  I checked my work phone-  my unlisted, unpublished, emergency work phone.  Only a small handful of clients have access to that number and it is not on my business cards or our web site.  It’s nowhere.  It’s a ghost number.  And the missed call from earlier that day had been from the exact same number that had just called my mom. I immediately called her back and insisted she forward me the voicemail.  She refused.  No way was she listening to it again, she said.  It was that terrifying.  I explained how to forward it without listening to it and she sent it to me. 

What I heard can only be described as the rantings of some other-worldly beast.  It started out with heavy breathing and throaty, raspy growling.  After a few seconds of  breathing into the phone, a bone-chilling voice said:

“You…[growl]…….will DIE someday…[growl]…and then you will be my servant…FOREVER…” 

I froze.

My mom and I had both missed a call from the underworld.  

Ever the brainiacs, Kenna and Ken began to do research on the internet, trying to determine where the number was from because surely there must be a logical explanation.  But it was a Memphis area code and it was untraceable.  While they debated what sort of living, breathing, garden variety psycho could be harassing our family, my mind raced with possibilities- none of them logical and most of them having to do with voodoo curses and sinister beings concocted by Stephen King.  Long after they went home, leaving me alone in the house,  I paced back and forth, desperately trying to figure out who we had pissed off and how much longer we had to live.   I thought of Richard Gere in The Mothman Prophecies, trapped in a podunk West Virginia town by a demonic moth-creature of doom.  Richard Gere got all kinds of sinister calls from this mothman, whose voice was almost as terrifying as the one now lurking in my voicemail box.  Surely it had been the mothman.

Or maybe it wasn't the mothman.  Maybe it was the devil.  Why would the devil be calling us?  Was I a reincarnated axe murderer?  Was this karma coming back to take revenge for the dozens of innocents I'd slain in a previous life?  Or had my mom become possessed by an evil spirit and then transferred it to me through the telephone?  It was like The Ring only instead of a video, it was a phone message.  You get the call and 7 days later, you die- all dried up and horrifying with your phone burned to your earlobe.  As it got later and later, I went through the motions of getting ready for bed, silently wondering why Beelzebub couldn't have called when Cody WASN'T in San Francisco.  I decided to go to bed, but the bed looked an acre wide and desolately empty.  It had finally happened. A decade of assaulting my brain with the world's most terrifying shit had come back to bite me in the ass. 

No sleeping occurred that night.  I gave up trying to explain it to myself using logic or reason.  Like a six year old kid afraid of the boogeyman, I sat awake, covers pulled up to my eyeballs, waiting for a legion of demon spawn to march out of the closet and melt my eyeballs or impregnate me with an unwanted Damien child or make me rip my hair out like the tormented Emily Rose.  I imagined my mom back in Idaho Falls, possessed by a fiendish imp, smiling menacingly as she drowned all the neighborhood children in her bathtub.  My imagination turned against me, spinning a horrifying web of possibilities.  I jumped at the slightest noise.  The cats sat at the foot of the bed, eyeballing me curiously as I desperately tried to calm myself enough for sleep to come.  Finally, around 4am, I fell into a light doze, but I woke again long before my alarm and got ready for work in a sleep-deprived trance.  On the way to work, I saw zombies at every bus stop and monsters behind the wheels of cars.  My lack of sleep had taken me off the deep end.

I was drowsing at my desk later that morning when my phone rang.  My eyes flew open.  I froze.   It was the Prince of Darkness.  I knew it.  I picked up the phone, ready for my blood to curdle and my ears to bleed.....   

It was my mom. 

She had discovered the culprit.  The voicemail had not, in fact, come from Lucifer, but from my little brother’s friend M.J.  He had attempted to invite my brother over to play, but when he got no answer, he left the message just to be a dumbass.  The missed call from the 901 area code had been unrelated- a telemarketer trying to scam people out of their credit card information.  After doing some investigating, we discovered that the same number had also called a few of my co-workers and several of my friends the same day.  

I was furious.  I felt foolish.  I had been bested by an 8-year-old sociopath.  I, a 25 year old woman, had stayed up all night- reduced to a whimpering and paranoid buffoon, because of a small child.  How could this have happened?  This child had truly frightened me, something not even the great writings of Edgar Allen Poe or the twisted film making of M. Night Shyamalan could accomplish ( Not M. Night Shyamalan circa "Lady in the Water" .....  earlier M. Night Shyamalan circa "Sixth Sense".  "Lady in the Water" was just ridiculous.  I mean, WTF kind of piece of crap was that?  What the hell, M. Night Shyamalan?).  

What kind of a sick twisted little kid could even make himself sound so deliciously mortifying? I was almost jealous.  I swore I would seek justice.  If this child ever encountered me, he would be met with a fury like hell hath no.  He would spend the remainder of his childhood sipping creamed corn through a straw. 

Watch out, M.J.  You pissed off the wrong woman.......

Yay for the Bloggess

So, the weather is shitty and we all have spring fever and our shorts and sandals are screaming for us to let them out of the closet.  In order to combat everyone's seasonal depression, I present to you, courtesy of my favorite blogger, a photo of Wil Wheaton collating papers:

If that doesn't cheer you up, then you can just get bent because this is pretty much the most awesome thing ever.
Click here to go to the original page containing this picture on The Bloggess' Website
Happy Crappy Weather, everyone.  Thank you, Bloggess!!

*ALSO, I still do not have 50 followers and it's almost the end of March and if I don't have 50 followers, no one is getting cupcakes, so hurry and get me more followers please.