Actual Conversations- Office Edition

 I've found it quite amusing for the past few months to make note of my interactions with Jerad.  Jerad is our secretary.  I'd like to say Jerad was hired for his skills and qualifications, but he was really hired because the only other person who showed up to interview was a girl with spiky bleached blond hair, a plaid flannel shirt, three inch ear gauges, and a tattoo on the back of her neck that said "Rebel Forever".  She was an hour late, she explained, because she lives in Caldwell and doesn't have a car and the guy who drove her overslept (at 3pm) and had to stop for a carton of smokes.  Jerad was the clear choice because not only was he on time, he wore business clothes, had his own transportation, and didn't smell like booze and regret. 

I feel a little bad for Jerad, but I also feel like if you upset him, he might smile serenely as he very quietly strangled the life out of you and then ground up your remains so he could have a barbeque. 

No one in our office spells Jerad's name correctly.  It's an unusual spelling.  Anita spells it Jared, Lynne spells it Jered, Jan spells it Jerrad.  Mary spells it Jarad.   I spell it Jason.  He corrected me once, but I simply informed him that I'll be calling him Jason from now on.

Jerad Jason just turned 30 years old and he can't spell ANYTHING.  I've seen him spell Wednesday wrong twice, different spellings both times.  Wensday and Wendsday.  He put a Happy Valintines Day note on the office calendar.  I have a thing about spelling.  If you're over the age of 15 and you don't know how to spell it, it had better be french, a chemical, or at least 10 letters long.  If you're not sure, you look it up.   I am a superb speller.  I don't know how to spell everything.  But I know how to use dictionary.com.

Jerad is awkward and a little creepy.  He reminds me a little of that actor who plays Percy in the Green Mile.  He's always lurking outside my office doorway breathing heavily, presumably working up the gumption to come in and ask me whatever question he might have at the moment.  Sometimes he sends me emails with lots of pictures of lions and tigers attached and he always asks me if I want anything from Wendy's- even when he's not going for himself.  I can always use a Wendy's chili, but I'm not asking Creepy McWeirdzoid to go get it for me.


Jerad talks incredibly softly, even annoyingly softly- necessitating constant use of the phrase "come again?" on my part.  Instead of talking louder when I say this, he just moves closer to me.

Since he's got a screw loose and I'm socially retarded, we've had some interesting conversations.
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[Jerad appears in my office doorway.]
Jerad:  Um, Rae?
Me:  Yep?
Jerad:  My highlighter is out of ink. [holds up the highlighter]
Me:  Well, that's unfortunate.  I'm sorry to hear that.
[uncomfortable silence]
Jerad:  Would it be ok if I get a new one out of the supply closet?
Me:  Yes, I imagine that would be just fine.
[Disappears to the supply closet, which is just outside my office.  I hear rustling around.  He reappears, holding a box.]
Jerad:  These are really nice highlighters.  Have you seen them?  They're "gel" highlighters.
Me:  That's pretty neat, I guess.
[uncomfortable silence]
Jerad:  Would it be ok if I had one of these?
Me:  You know, why don't you take two?  They're small.
Jerad:  Wow!  Thanks!
Me:  You can have whatever you want out of there, Jason.  I don't care.
Jerad:  Really?  Ok!
[Disappears again.  I hear rustling.  Reappears with another box.]
Jerad:  These paperclips are rainbow colored.  Think its ok if I take a few for my desk?
Me:  No, those are mine.
Jerad:  Oh.....ok.
Me:  I'm kidding.  You can have them.  You can have whatever you like from the supply closet, Jason.  I don't care.
Jerad:  Heh.....good one.  Ok thanks.
[Disappears.  Reappears]
Jerad:  Does this stapler belong to anyone?
Me:  [sigh]  Is someone's name on it?
Jerad:  Uh....no. [with worried expression] Are we supposed to put our name on our stuff?
Me:  No.  I was kidding again.  Take the stapler.  Take whatever you want.
Jerad:  Oh!  Heh....I gotcha.  Well thanks.  My stapler up front jams a lot and then I have to restaple stuff.
Me:  That's too bad.
Jerad:  Yeah.  Well, I'm gonna take this one, then.
Me:  That's just super, Jason.  Take whatever you want.
[Disappears, then calls out from the supply closet]
Jerad:  Rae?
Me:  You can have whatever you want, Jason.  I promise.


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[Jerad appears in office doorway]
Jerad:  Rae?
Me:  Yes?
Jerad:  I made some more coffee.
Me:  Roger.
Jerad:  It's Jerad.
Me:  What?
Jerad:  You called me Roger just now.
Me:  [sigh] No, I meant 'Roger'.  Like, as in 'Roger that'?  As in, '10-4 good buddy, over and out'.......?  Like walkie-talkies......?
Jerad:  OH!  Heh....good one. 
[Stands there awkwardly]
Me:  Anything else I can do for you?
Jerad:  Do you want some coffee?
Me:  Uh...no.  I have some.  I'm good.  Thanks though.
Jerad:  Need me to top it off or heat it up or anything?
Me:  No, thanks.  I can do my own coffee stuff.  Thanks though.
Jerad:  [looks crestfallen] Oh.  All right then.

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Our office is very small.  Sometimes, rather than getting up, we just yell to each other from one office to another.  We really only use the intercom if we need to have a personal conversation or if there are clients in the office.  Jerad likes to use the intercom to call for very simple things.

[Intercom rings]
Me: This is Rae.
Jerad:  Is this Rae?
Me: ............Yes.....?
Jerad:  Rae, this is Jerad.  From the front desk?
[Not only can I hear him over the phone, I can also hear him just outside my office.  And I'm pretty sure I know which Jerad it is.  The creepy one.]
Me: .........Yes, Jason.
Jerad:  I'm going to step out for a minute.
Me:  Uh.....ok.  Go ahead.
Jerad:  Oh, thanks!  Be right back.
[I hang up the phone.  One office over, I hear Jan's intercom ring]
Jan:  Hello, this is Jan.
Jerad:  Hi, is this Jan?
Jan: .......Yes.....?
Jerad:  Jan, this is Jerad.  From the front desk?
Jan:  Oh, that Jerad.
[ROFL]
Jerad:  Yeah, its me.  I'm stepping out for a minute.
Jan:  Uh....ok.
[Lynne's phone rings]...............
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A few days ago, I had a brutal, groggy, caffeine free day because we ran out of coffee filters.  Jerad asked if, since he couldn't make coffee, I wanted him to go to the gas station across the street and buy me some coffee there.  His treat.  I said no thanks, I was going to drink tea today anyways because I'd been sick with a sore throat.  Two hours later, I was dying of caffeine under-dose, but I would have felt like a dick going and buying myself some coffee after that.  I debated climbing out the window and making a break for the Shell station, but instead, I just dozed in my office until he went home for the day.

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Jerad's birthday was a few days ago.  He must have thought that we give a crap about birthdays because he posted it on the office calendar like it was some sort of holiday.  Coincidentally, a client brought in a box of donuts for the office that same day.  Jerad took the donuts home with him when he left at noon because he thought they were his "birthday donuts".  The next day he sent everyone an email that said "Thanks for the birthday donuts" and it had a picture of a liger attached to it.

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I sent out an email to my co-workers explaining that one of my clients is homeless now and asked that if he calls, would they please attempt to find out where he is.  Against my better judgement, I included Jerad on the email, mostly because he answers the phone.  He came to my office five minutes later to ask for a photo of the client so that he could make copies and write my cell phone number on the back and take them around to the shops downtown to hand them out.  I said no, that's not his job and we aren't a milk company posting lost children on the back of the cartons and I don't want this client (or anyone else, for that matter) having my cell number anyways.  He came back a few minutes later to ask for the file so that he could do some research on the guy.  I said no, he is just the secretary and he doesn't need to look through the files and I've already done all the research.  He said "So you don't really care if we find him, then?"  I said no.

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When Jerad heard that my mom is sick, he came into my office and cried.  He cried.  I'm not a big crier and I'm DEFINITELY not a public crier, so I was quite taken aback by this.  Then he sent me one of those forwarded forwarded forwarded emails about how if you eat 4 tablespoons of pureed asparagus per day, it will clear up your cancer in no time.  I replied, saying how he should probably get the word out because finding a cure for cancer using asparagus is a pretty big deal and don't we feel silly for spending all these billions of dollars on cancer research when we could have been using it to plant asparagus.  Then he came back and said he lost his mom two years ago to cancer and he wished he'd known about the asparagus when she was alive and I felt like a dick.


So I guess the moral of this blog is that Rae is a dick..........

Also, if I disappear before I leave this job, you might want to head over to Jerad's house because he's probably having a barbeque.