Yay for the Bloggess

So, the weather is shitty and we all have spring fever and our shorts and sandals are screaming for us to let them out of the closet.  In order to combat everyone's seasonal depression, I present to you, courtesy of my favorite blogger, a photo of Wil Wheaton collating papers:

If that doesn't cheer you up, then you can just get bent because this is pretty much the most awesome thing ever.
Click here to go to the original page containing this picture on The Bloggess' Website
Happy Crappy Weather, everyone.  Thank you, Bloggess!!

*ALSO, I still do not have 50 followers and it's almost the end of March and if I don't have 50 followers, no one is getting cupcakes, so hurry and get me more followers please. 

Actual Conversations- Office Edition

 I've found it quite amusing for the past few months to make note of my interactions with Jerad.  Jerad is our secretary.  I'd like to say Jerad was hired for his skills and qualifications, but he was really hired because the only other person who showed up to interview was a girl with spiky bleached blond hair, a plaid flannel shirt, three inch ear gauges, and a tattoo on the back of her neck that said "Rebel Forever".  She was an hour late, she explained, because she lives in Caldwell and doesn't have a car and the guy who drove her overslept (at 3pm) and had to stop for a carton of smokes.  Jerad was the clear choice because not only was he on time, he wore business clothes, had his own transportation, and didn't smell like booze and regret. 

I feel a little bad for Jerad, but I also feel like if you upset him, he might smile serenely as he very quietly strangled the life out of you and then ground up your remains so he could have a barbeque. 

No one in our office spells Jerad's name correctly.  It's an unusual spelling.  Anita spells it Jared, Lynne spells it Jered, Jan spells it Jerrad.  Mary spells it Jarad.   I spell it Jason.  He corrected me once, but I simply informed him that I'll be calling him Jason from now on.

Jerad Jason just turned 30 years old and he can't spell ANYTHING.  I've seen him spell Wednesday wrong twice, different spellings both times.  Wensday and Wendsday.  He put a Happy Valintines Day note on the office calendar.  I have a thing about spelling.  If you're over the age of 15 and you don't know how to spell it, it had better be french, a chemical, or at least 10 letters long.  If you're not sure, you look it up.   I am a superb speller.  I don't know how to spell everything.  But I know how to use dictionary.com.

Jerad is awkward and a little creepy.  He reminds me a little of that actor who plays Percy in the Green Mile.  He's always lurking outside my office doorway breathing heavily, presumably working up the gumption to come in and ask me whatever question he might have at the moment.  Sometimes he sends me emails with lots of pictures of lions and tigers attached and he always asks me if I want anything from Wendy's- even when he's not going for himself.  I can always use a Wendy's chili, but I'm not asking Creepy McWeirdzoid to go get it for me.


Jerad talks incredibly softly, even annoyingly softly- necessitating constant use of the phrase "come again?" on my part.  Instead of talking louder when I say this, he just moves closer to me.

Since he's got a screw loose and I'm socially retarded, we've had some interesting conversations.
--------------------------------------
[Jerad appears in my office doorway.]
Jerad:  Um, Rae?
Me:  Yep?
Jerad:  My highlighter is out of ink. [holds up the highlighter]
Me:  Well, that's unfortunate.  I'm sorry to hear that.
[uncomfortable silence]
Jerad:  Would it be ok if I get a new one out of the supply closet?
Me:  Yes, I imagine that would be just fine.
[Disappears to the supply closet, which is just outside my office.  I hear rustling around.  He reappears, holding a box.]
Jerad:  These are really nice highlighters.  Have you seen them?  They're "gel" highlighters.
Me:  That's pretty neat, I guess.
[uncomfortable silence]
Jerad:  Would it be ok if I had one of these?
Me:  You know, why don't you take two?  They're small.
Jerad:  Wow!  Thanks!
Me:  You can have whatever you want out of there, Jason.  I don't care.
Jerad:  Really?  Ok!
[Disappears again.  I hear rustling.  Reappears with another box.]
Jerad:  These paperclips are rainbow colored.  Think its ok if I take a few for my desk?
Me:  No, those are mine.
Jerad:  Oh.....ok.
Me:  I'm kidding.  You can have them.  You can have whatever you like from the supply closet, Jason.  I don't care.
Jerad:  Heh.....good one.  Ok thanks.
[Disappears.  Reappears]
Jerad:  Does this stapler belong to anyone?
Me:  [sigh]  Is someone's name on it?
Jerad:  Uh....no. [with worried expression] Are we supposed to put our name on our stuff?
Me:  No.  I was kidding again.  Take the stapler.  Take whatever you want.
Jerad:  Oh!  Heh....I gotcha.  Well thanks.  My stapler up front jams a lot and then I have to restaple stuff.
Me:  That's too bad.
Jerad:  Yeah.  Well, I'm gonna take this one, then.
Me:  That's just super, Jason.  Take whatever you want.
[Disappears, then calls out from the supply closet]
Jerad:  Rae?
Me:  You can have whatever you want, Jason.  I promise.


-------------------------------------

[Jerad appears in office doorway]
Jerad:  Rae?
Me:  Yes?
Jerad:  I made some more coffee.
Me:  Roger.
Jerad:  It's Jerad.
Me:  What?
Jerad:  You called me Roger just now.
Me:  [sigh] No, I meant 'Roger'.  Like, as in 'Roger that'?  As in, '10-4 good buddy, over and out'.......?  Like walkie-talkies......?
Jerad:  OH!  Heh....good one. 
[Stands there awkwardly]
Me:  Anything else I can do for you?
Jerad:  Do you want some coffee?
Me:  Uh...no.  I have some.  I'm good.  Thanks though.
Jerad:  Need me to top it off or heat it up or anything?
Me:  No, thanks.  I can do my own coffee stuff.  Thanks though.
Jerad:  [looks crestfallen] Oh.  All right then.

-----------------------------------
Our office is very small.  Sometimes, rather than getting up, we just yell to each other from one office to another.  We really only use the intercom if we need to have a personal conversation or if there are clients in the office.  Jerad likes to use the intercom to call for very simple things.

[Intercom rings]
Me: This is Rae.
Jerad:  Is this Rae?
Me: ............Yes.....?
Jerad:  Rae, this is Jerad.  From the front desk?
[Not only can I hear him over the phone, I can also hear him just outside my office.  And I'm pretty sure I know which Jerad it is.  The creepy one.]
Me: .........Yes, Jason.
Jerad:  I'm going to step out for a minute.
Me:  Uh.....ok.  Go ahead.
Jerad:  Oh, thanks!  Be right back.
[I hang up the phone.  One office over, I hear Jan's intercom ring]
Jan:  Hello, this is Jan.
Jerad:  Hi, is this Jan?
Jan: .......Yes.....?
Jerad:  Jan, this is Jerad.  From the front desk?
Jan:  Oh, that Jerad.
[ROFL]
Jerad:  Yeah, its me.  I'm stepping out for a minute.
Jan:  Uh....ok.
[Lynne's phone rings]...............
-----------------------------------

A few days ago, I had a brutal, groggy, caffeine free day because we ran out of coffee filters.  Jerad asked if, since he couldn't make coffee, I wanted him to go to the gas station across the street and buy me some coffee there.  His treat.  I said no thanks, I was going to drink tea today anyways because I'd been sick with a sore throat.  Two hours later, I was dying of caffeine under-dose, but I would have felt like a dick going and buying myself some coffee after that.  I debated climbing out the window and making a break for the Shell station, but instead, I just dozed in my office until he went home for the day.

-----------------------------------

Jerad's birthday was a few days ago.  He must have thought that we give a crap about birthdays because he posted it on the office calendar like it was some sort of holiday.  Coincidentally, a client brought in a box of donuts for the office that same day.  Jerad took the donuts home with him when he left at noon because he thought they were his "birthday donuts".  The next day he sent everyone an email that said "Thanks for the birthday donuts" and it had a picture of a liger attached to it.

-----------------------------------

I sent out an email to my co-workers explaining that one of my clients is homeless now and asked that if he calls, would they please attempt to find out where he is.  Against my better judgement, I included Jerad on the email, mostly because he answers the phone.  He came to my office five minutes later to ask for a photo of the client so that he could make copies and write my cell phone number on the back and take them around to the shops downtown to hand them out.  I said no, that's not his job and we aren't a milk company posting lost children on the back of the cartons and I don't want this client (or anyone else, for that matter) having my cell number anyways.  He came back a few minutes later to ask for the file so that he could do some research on the guy.  I said no, he is just the secretary and he doesn't need to look through the files and I've already done all the research.  He said "So you don't really care if we find him, then?"  I said no.

------------------------------------

When Jerad heard that my mom is sick, he came into my office and cried.  He cried.  I'm not a big crier and I'm DEFINITELY not a public crier, so I was quite taken aback by this.  Then he sent me one of those forwarded forwarded forwarded emails about how if you eat 4 tablespoons of pureed asparagus per day, it will clear up your cancer in no time.  I replied, saying how he should probably get the word out because finding a cure for cancer using asparagus is a pretty big deal and don't we feel silly for spending all these billions of dollars on cancer research when we could have been using it to plant asparagus.  Then he came back and said he lost his mom two years ago to cancer and he wished he'd known about the asparagus when she was alive and I felt like a dick.


So I guess the moral of this blog is that Rae is a dick..........

Also, if I disappear before I leave this job, you might want to head over to Jerad's house because he's probably having a barbeque.

Actual Conversations: The Stroke

Last weekend, Cody and I got up and made coffee.  We were enjoying our coffee, when I noticed that Cody looked a little.....funny.  His mouth seemed to be drooping slightly on one side.

At the moment I noticed this, I had an important decision to make- say something or shut it.  I, of course, chose incorrectly.

Me:  "Hey Code- I think there's something wrong with your mouth."
Cody:  "What?"
Me:  "It's sort of droopy on one side.  Does it feel funny?"
Cody [poking at his face]:  "No....."

He got up and went to the nearest mirror to investigate.  Upon seeing the problem (which wasn't egregious, but definitely noticeable) I sensed he may have been slipping into a carefully controlled panic.

Cody:  "What would cause that?"
Me [jokingly]:  "Probably just a minor stroke."

Carefully controlled panic over.  Full blown hysteria commencing........

Cody:  "Does a stroke do that?"
Me:  "Well, sometimes if someone has a stroke, one side of their body will droop or lose feeling.  But I was just kidding.  You didn't have a stroke."
Cody:  "What if I did?"
Me:  "You didn't."
Cody:  "What if I did?"
Me:  "You didn't."
Cody:  "How do you know?"
Me:  [sigh] "Because I just know.  I've had clients who had strokes.  You didn't have a stroke.  I was just teasing.  You're fine."
Cody:  "Well how would we know if I did?"
Me:  "Are you having difficulty swallowing your coffee?"
Cody:  "No."
Me:  "Are you having difficulty talking or saying words?"
Cody:  "No."
Me:  "Is your vision blurred in one eye?"
Cody:  "No."
Me:  "Do you feel weak on one side of your body?"
Cody:  "No."
Me:  "You didn't have a stroke."
Cody:  "What if I did?"
Me:  "You didn't."
Cody:  "Well what is it then?"
Me:  "I don't know, Cody.  Maybe your lip is swollen or something."

Cody spent the rest of the morning poking at his face, moving his mouth around, and running to the mirror to see if it had gone away.  Periodically he asked "Could I have had a stroke?" and "What if I did have a stroke?" and "What would it be if it wasn't a stroke?"  I suggested perhaps he had Bell's Palsy because clearly I hadn't learned my lesson from suggesting a stroke and should have known that strokes aren't funny and I didn't really think it was Bell's Palsy either.  Now he was worried about a stroke AND Bell's Palsy and he didn't even know what Bell's Palsy WAS.

All throughout that morning, he continued to check back with me, just in case I had changed my mind about his possible Transient Ischemic Attack.  At one point, he asked me how I would assess whether a client had a stroke, so I agreed to administer a mini mental status exam.   This was more to calm him down than to actually determine his cognitive state, but it seemed like a reasonable idea.

Me:  "Do you know what day it is?"
Cody:  "Saturday."
Me:  "What is the date?"
Cody:  "Uh....25th.  NO!!  Is it?  Did I have a stroke? I don't know the date."
Me:  "Calm down.  Lots of people don't know the date.  I don't know the date half the time.  It's fine."
Cody:  "Wait!  It's the 26th!  Boo-ya!"
Me:  "Yeah I guess it is......Do you know what city we're in?"
Cody:  "Boise"
Me:  "Repeat after me- 'no ifs ands or buts'."

After he had repeated this, spelled "WORLD" backwards, counted backward from 100 by 7's (which I always thought was a mean question to ask people because I can only do that if I have a calculator and I don't even have dementia) and answered a half dozen more questions about who the president is and whether he could remember some things I'd said earlier,  I pronounced him stroke free.  This alleviated his concerns for at least five seconds.......

All day long, he asked me for status updates as to whether I thought his face had returned to normal.  Eventually it did.  He remains perplexed by the mouth drooping incident, so if any of you have a suggestion as to what may have caused it, I'd love to know what it is so I will be prepared for future occurrences. 

I should know better than to react to these types of things.  Once, a year or so ago, we were leaving his parent's house after eating dinner there and on our way to the car, in the glow of the garage lights, I noticed he looked a little unusual.

These days, I'm more familiar with Cody's tendency to be a worrier.  If it had happened NOW, I would probably have just noted it quietly to myself and waited for it to go away or for him to notice on his own.  But this was earlier on in our relationship and I wasn't as knowledgeable.  In hindsight, I may have reacted a bit poorly.

 

Of course, once he saw his pupils, he was certain he must be only a few short moments from death.  Realizing I might possibly have overreacted, I tried to smooth things over, but I had already dropped the proverbial turd in the punch bowl.

When his parents could offer no rational explanation, I drove us home, in case he had a seizure or a demonic possession while driving.  On the way, I called my sister and asked her to pull up WebMD on her computer and help us figure out why he had zombie pupils.  When there was no solace from the online world, we resorted to calling the "Ask A Nurse" line.  In his panicked state, he had forgotten that a few minutes before, he had put eye drops in one of his eyes because that eye felt dry.  Apparently eye drops can dilate your pupils.  So clearly Visine does more than just get the red out and I think they should add something to their slogan about their product's potential to cause demon-spawn pupil dilation. 

Charlie Sheen is a Beekeeper

I'm sure some of you may know that Charlie Sheen is nuttier than a fruitcake or a shit-house rat.  If you DIDN'T know that, here's a video to catch you up:

 

My favorite blog, The Bloggess, posted a blog recently about an awesome new super rad time-waster.  Vanity Fair now provides us with the opportunity to compose our own spectacular Charlie Sheen-esque rant using STARK RAVING MAD LIBS!!  Yay!  Here's mine:

You can do your own mad lib by clicking this link.  When you're done, you should post yours in the comments section so we can all laugh together.  But not AT Charlie Sheen.  WITH Charlie Sheen because otherwise he might shank us with a banana peel. 

How to Become a Cross Country Skier

Cross country skiing was invented thousands of years ago in South Dakota as a method of getting through 8 feet of snow to the outhouse to take a leak. Today, we have vehicles and indoor toilets, so it is no longer a practical mode of transportation. It gained popularity as a recreational sport in the mid 1960's when someone realized that riding a ski lift up the mountain and using gravity to get back down was definitely cheating. It is far more rewarding to plod precariously up one side of the hill with your skis on so that you may earn- and in fact, appreciate- the brief thrill of sliding down the other side.

There are a few important steps to take if you wish to become a cross country skier.


Step 1-Getting the Right Equipment
Equipment is very important. If you do not own or do not have access to good quality equipment, you will need to go to a rental shop instead. Keep in mind that rental shops do not like to rent out good equipment because they want to keep the magic of cross country skiing a secret in order to ensure the trails don't get too over-run with people. Cross country skis are typically long and thin, however most rental shops prefer to rent out an alternative model of cross country skis consisting of two short, wide planks of balsa wood with sandpaper glued to the bottom. They will also have cross country poles available. Make sure you get some. You will need them to help drag yourself across the snow when your rental skis inevitably fail to slide properly. It is also ideal to get some well-fitted boots, but it is not likely that your local rental shop will offer well-fitted boots. Instead, most rental shops offer several varieties of poorly made, shitty boots for your renting pleasure. The bonus of renting shitty boots instead of buying good ones is that the rentals are cheaper and come with free blisters.

 Here is what good equipment looks like:

 

Here is what rental equipment looks like:

Step 2-  Finding a Barney
When going cross country skiing, you should always have a Barney with you.  Barneys are natural-born cross country skiers and they can help you to learn good technique.  They also keep you motivated by shooting down the trail at breakneck speed, forcing you to either keep up with their grueling pace or get lost in the woods by yourself.  They can also distract you from your cardiac arrest by occasionally stopping to point out how beautiful the mountains are this time of year and offer you a drink of their plastic flavored water (this will be explained later on).

---------------------------------------------------------

*A Helpful Tip*

If you have ever downhill skied, it can work to your advantage when cross country skiing.  The basic principles of turning and slowing down apply to both types of skiing.  The benefit of cross country skis is that they are much lighter and more slippery than downhill skis, so when you crash, the force of your ski cracking your forehead as you roll down the mountain is much less damaging to your skull.

---------------------------------------------------------

Step 3- Proper Technique
When you first set out on your cross country skis, you need to understand proper form and technique.  Think of running, only with more sliding in it.  If you're doing it correctly, your feet will occasionally curl up into a ball inside your cross country boot.  As you get better, this will happen less frequently, or else you will be too tired to care.  Either way can be considered progress.  When you get to a downhill section of the trail, you must put your skis into a "snowplow" like this so that you don't plummet forward to your death:

When you reach an uphill section, you must "herringbone" by pointing the tip of your skis outward and waddling up the hill like a duck.  You must be mindful of your skis, taking care not to let them cross over each other behind you, as this will cause you to fall, twisting your leg in an unnatural fashion and rendering your knees useless.  If you get tired and need to stop to rest, remember to keep your skis pointed outward or else you will plummet backward to your death.  A proper herringbone stance should look like this:

Step 4- Levels of Difficulty
In cross country skiing, there are a few different levels of difficulty.  Just like downhill skiing, there are green circle trails for beginners, which are usually flat, perhaps with a few gentle slopes.  There are blue square trails, which are more intense than green circle trails but they will not kill you.  There are also black diamond trails.  These should not be compared to the black diamond trails you would experience when downhill skiing. They are not nearly as steep or terrifying.  You can, however, expect to encounter some rigorous ups.  These will be relatively difficult for new skiers, but quite simple if you are a mountain goat.

---------------------------------------------------------

*A Helpful Tip*

If, during a run on a black diamond cross country trail, you experience left-side numbness, shooting groin pain, dry heaving, or loss of bowel and bladder control, it is advisable to stop and rest as soon as you're able to drag yourself to the side of the trail.  Make sure you get out of the way quickly.  If you collapse without removing yourself from the trail, you could get run down by a pack of professional skate skiers.  You will not know this has happened until you regain consciousness with your face down in the icy powder.  The only thing you will remember is a blur of neon spandex and pain.

---------------------------------------------------------

Step 5- Staying Hydrated

It is very imperative that you drink plenty of water when you are cross country skiing.  Some skiers prefer to use a Camel Back.  If you are not familiar with this piece of equipment, it is a backpack with a compartment in the back just big enough to hold a rubber bladder that you can fill with water.  There is a hose attached to the bladder that runs out of the pack and up the shoulder strap so that you can drink the water at your convenience.  For anyone who does not enjoy the refreshing taste of melted rubber tire, there is also a storage pouch in which you can stow a bottle of filtered mineral water.  Even if you intend to engage in cross country skiing on a regular basis, there is no need to purchase your own Camel Back, as your Barney should come equipped with one and can haul your water bottle for you.  The key to staying hydrated is to stop every ten minutes for a drink, making your Barney hold your gloves and poles so that you can dig your water bottle out of his backpack.  Your Barney may offer to purchase you your very own Camel Back in a subtle attempt to convey his annoyance.  You should politely dismiss his offers, reminding him that is much more preferable for him to carry your water and perhaps a snack and extra gloves and your hat and the camera too.  If you do bring your camera, remember to stop and take some artsy photos of trees each time you have a water break.  

Step 6- Dressing in Layers

Anyone who has been downhill skiing knows that you must bundle up in the thickest, warmest clothing imaginable, as you could very well freeze to death as you ride the chair lift to the top of the mountain.  This is not a problem you will face when cross country skiing because there is no chair lift and you're exercising.  It is wisest to wear several thin layers instead.  Think of yourself as a Russian Nesting doll.  I recommend that your outer layer be a windbreaker or fleece and some insulated snow pants.  Underneath that, a long sleeved shirt or thermal underwear top with thick leggings or long johns.  Underneath that, a t-shirt and bike shorts.  Underneath that, a bikini or speedo.

Most people tend to start out with all their layers and arrive at the end of the trail in their underpants.  If you are keeping your body at a proper cross country skiing temperature, the heat radiating off of your sweaty hide should be melting the snow behind you as you ski.  This is helpful if a murderer who is also on cross country skis is chasing you, but useless if he is in tennis shoes or has a gun. This brings us to another useful function of your Barney- he will stuff your discarded layers into his Camel Back as you strip down.  This has the added benefit of increasing the weight of the pack and thereby keeping him in top physical condition for future ski trips.  It also gives him a "handicap" so that his performance level will decrease and he will be skiing closer to your amateur level.  If ever you're having a rough day and don't feel like you're "on your game", adding a few bricks to the Camel Back is helpful.  Barneys have a natural tendency to try to "crush" everyone around them at cross country skiing, so a few dozen extra pounds will help inhibit his ability to do so.

----------------------------------------------

By now, you should be familiar with the basic concepts of cross country skiing.  All you have left is to master the proper terminology.  To ease this process, I have provided a glossary of cross country ski terms for you to study.  

Apres ski ("ah-pray skee"):  This is a french term meaning "after ski"; it is used to refer to the ad-nauseam discussion of snow conditions, ski quality, and past and future ski trips that takes place over food and beers directly after completing a day of skiing; usually does not occur unless at least one Barney is present and can become quite lengthy with the addition of multiple pitchers of beer and/or hot wings.  

Breaking out:  This refers to when the skiing conditions are such that your skis do not glide worth a damn, instead sliding backward slightly with each movement of your feet;  breaking out can also be used as an excuse when you are beat all to hell and skiing like total crap.

Fish scales:  This is the name given to the layered scale-like materials that cover the two feet of ski directly under your boots; it is intended to prevent your skis from sliding backward when going uphill.  If your girlfriend is inexplicably keeping up with you, despite the fact that she is an amateur and you are a professional, you should both remove your skis so that you can compare the fish scales on each pair.  You should then point out that your girlfriend's fish scales are in much better shape because she has not used her skis nearly as often as you have.  Fish scales are a frequent apres ski topic.

Glide wax:  This is a soft, colored, waxy substance that is rubbed onto the bottom of your skis before embarking on a day of cross country skiing; it is intended to achieve maximum glide across the snow; however, should you find yourself performing at less than your best, you may blame the glide wax, informing everyone in your party that you would be skiing much more efficiently if the glide wax wasn't slowing you down.  On the other hand, if you have left the others in the dust, you should not credit the wax, but rather your superior skills, before suggesting to the others that perhaps they need some glide wax.

Off piste ("off-peest"):  This is a European term meaning "off trail"; it refers to skiing that is done away from marked and groomed trails; when skiing with a Barney, it is typically used in a tongue-in-cheek fashion as a way to scoff at ultra-cool Euro douches encountered along the trails. This can also be altered to "off-pissed" when referring to leaving the trail to take a whiz behind a tree, as in "I'm going 'off-pissed'."

--------------------------------------------------

Last month, Cody and I took a trip to Sun Valley with his parents to ski at Galena Lodge.  The skiing there is incredible and, actually, considered one of the best ski areas in the western United States.  Here are some photos from our adventures.........