Seriously?????

Ever worked in an office?  Ever worked somewhere that had a break room?  Well then you know what I'm talking about.   Because you know that working in an office oftentimes sucks ass.

Friday, I was quite late for work.  I didn't want my co-workers to find out that the reason I was late was because I pressed the snooze button until 10 minutes before it was time to leave the house.  If you know me, you know that this is the way I start my days- every day.   Morning is not my friend.  So in an effort to detract from my being late, I called my office as soon as it opened and told them that I would be there a few minutes late because I was buying treats for everyone.  This seems to work pretty well and I have used this tactic on multiple occasions.  The ladies in my office LOVE treats.  They're like dogs.  All outrages suffered are quickly forgotten with treats.

So I went to Maverick and procured a box of Krispy Kreme donuts. 

At about 11am, my morning Slim Fast petered out.  I tried my best to resist, but I decided to say eff it and have a donut.  I went to the break room to get one.  And this is what I found.

Seriously?!?!?!  I have a major issue with this.  And despite what you're thinking, it has nothing to do with the fact that I did not get a donut.  I didn't care about not getting a donut. 
For one thing, just take a fucking donut and eat it.  Take a whole donut and eat the whole donut.  No one wants a used donut. That's what's in the box now.  Used donuts.  The remains of a donut that you have whittled down with a kitchen knife, bite by bite, all morning long.  Why did you do this?  Are you trying to delude yourself into thinking that since you left a little half inch chunk in the box, you didn't technically eat a whole donut?!?  You did it.  You ate a whole donut. I know it.  Everyone knows it.  Don't make us all look at your hacked up pathetic donut chunk.  Why not just throw it away?  Did you think someone would see that chunk and think, "Gee, that's the morsel for ME!"  Au contraire, bonjour...... It's freaking nasty.

For another thing, we do not want to look at your breakfast in progress.  I see you all morning, moseying into the break/copy room, wandering around, taking a bite and setting it back in the box.  I see you pretending to be fascinated by the bulletin board full of discount bran coupons so that you can take more bites of your maple bar.  Why are you doing this?  You don't want to look like a little piggy by helping yourself to a WHOLE HUGE donut and taking it back to your office?  Guess what?  We're all little piggies.  That's why we all get a chubby when someone bring treats.  The jig is up.  Get a plate and serve yourself up a donut.  There's a whole stack of plates on the table.  Use a plate.  We don't want your germy, partially eaten donut infecting the whole box with whatever demon death virus your snot-nosed grandkids have brought home from school.  This is disgusting.

Every time there's an office treat, this is what these people do. I guess I should be thanking them because every time there's a bag of bagels or a cake or a pie or cookies, there are little half-eaten, bitten-into pieces, tainting the whole batch.  So I never end up having any.  Saves me the calories.