You're lucky because it's Christmas, so I'm posting a bunch of posts that I wrote awhile ago, but hadn't posted yet. It's like your Christmas present of extra posts. So read them and be thankful. And leave comments because whenever I see that someone posted comments, it's like Christmas for ME and I get all gladful inside.-----------------------------------
*My mother and I wrote these emails back and forth trying to determine what to get a certain relative of mine for Christmas. Sometimes, I exaggerate stuff for comedic purposes, but these are actual excerpts from actual emails.
Also, If the subject realizes she is the subject (which she probably will), I just want her to know that we love her very much and that she is a wonderful, beautiful, incredible person. Also, I promise that this will not ruin any Christmas surprises and I promise to post hilariously incriminating blogs about everyone else I know so that no one is excluded from being made fun of. Please remember that I make fun of myself on this blog more than anyone else and that this whole blog is pretty much a giant exaggerated joke at everyone's expense.
*My mother and I wrote these emails back and forth trying to determine what to get a certain relative of mine for Christmas. Sometimes, I exaggerate stuff for comedic purposes, but these are actual excerpts from actual emails.
Also, If the subject realizes she is the subject (which she probably will), I just want her to know that we love her very much and that she is a wonderful, beautiful, incredible person. Also, I promise that this will not ruin any Christmas surprises and I promise to post hilariously incriminating blogs about everyone else I know so that no one is excluded from being made fun of. Please remember that I make fun of myself on this blog more than anyone else and that this whole blog is pretty much a giant exaggerated joke at everyone's expense.
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From: Rae
Date: December 13, 2010 10:54am
To: Andi
Subject: Christmas
Mom,
What should I get Charlee for Christmas? I can't think of anything good.
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From: Andi
Date: December 13, 2010 11:02am
To: Rae
Subject: Re: Christmas
Charlee thinks her eyelashes are too short and she wants that special mascara that makes them look longer.
MOM
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From: Rae
Date: December 13, 2010 11:14am
To: Andi
Subject: Re: Christmas
Perhaps I should get her some of that Latisse stuff. You know, the stuff that Brooke Shields advertises that makes your eyelashes grow longer? Isn't that Latisse? Latisse is either that, or those pills that stop your legs from twitching in the night.
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From: Andi
Date: December 13, 2010 11:27am
To: Rae
Subject: Re: Christmas
I think Charlee is having a mental issue. She thinks she has zits and no eyelashes. But she has beautiful eyelashes and NO visible blemishes.
MOM
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From: Rae
Date: December 13, 2010 11:49am
To: Andi
Subject: Re: Christmas
Charlee IS 13 years old and is therefore expected to have mental issues. Teenagers are bombarded with pictures of people with imaginary nice skin and imaginary skinniness and expensive clothes that look good on them but look like Halloween costumes on normal people.
Now I'm torn because if I get her presents meant to address her imaginary problems, I will be reinforcing her negative self image but if I don't she'll be resentful at me for getting her a stupid book with pictures of cats wearing shoes or whatever thing I got her instead of zit stuff and magic mascara.
Also, given the fact that you have so many kids, its a miracle we don't all have mental issues. Unless you're like me and think that your kids DO all have mental problems in which case you did the best you could and oh well. If we all do, in fact, have mental problems, perhaps by now you'll have learned from your mistakes and will have better luck not messing up your grandchildren. Although that's probably an invalid point since it's pretty certain that Kenna and whichever other of the kids has kids will probably give those kids mental issues so you won't be able to help that anyways. I happen to KNOW I would give my kids mental issues so I'm going to skip having any and instead give mental issues to my cats. It's much harder to be prosecuted for animal cruelty than for child neglect.
Now I'm torn because if I get her presents meant to address her imaginary problems, I will be reinforcing her negative self image but if I don't she'll be resentful at me for getting her a stupid book with pictures of cats wearing shoes or whatever thing I got her instead of zit stuff and magic mascara.
Also, given the fact that you have so many kids, its a miracle we don't all have mental issues. Unless you're like me and think that your kids DO all have mental problems in which case you did the best you could and oh well. If we all do, in fact, have mental problems, perhaps by now you'll have learned from your mistakes and will have better luck not messing up your grandchildren. Although that's probably an invalid point since it's pretty certain that Kenna and whichever other of the kids has kids will probably give those kids mental issues so you won't be able to help that anyways. I happen to KNOW I would give my kids mental issues so I'm going to skip having any and instead give mental issues to my cats. It's much harder to be prosecuted for animal cruelty than for child neglect.
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From: Andi
Date: December 13, 2010 11:59am
To: Rae
Subject: Re: Christmas
You are in a mess because you are right. We definitely don’t want to reinforce her negative self-image. Maybe we could find her some cream for imaginary zits? And some mascara that is clear to make her think her lashes are lush. Who knows!?!
MOM
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From: Rae
Date: December 13, 2010 12:11pm
To: Andi
Subject: Re: Christmas
If we got her some clear mascara, we would have to sneak into her room each night and put it on her so that she looked great when she woke up in the morning and you already have enough to do so that's out. I have a day job as well or I could secretly live in the backyard and sneak in each night to be the eyelash fairy.
It might help make her feel better about herself if the rest of you trimmed your own eyelashes very short and thinned them out with tweezers. I am applying this concept to my own life by getting rid of everyone I know and replacing them with fat friends so that I feel skinnier. Also, when we go out drinking, I'll be the thin one in the group, which I've heard is good for your self esteem. As it stands now, I'm usually the biggest in the group and this is quite depressing.
It might help make her feel better about herself if the rest of you trimmed your own eyelashes very short and thinned them out with tweezers. I am applying this concept to my own life by getting rid of everyone I know and replacing them with fat friends so that I feel skinnier. Also, when we go out drinking, I'll be the thin one in the group, which I've heard is good for your self esteem. As it stands now, I'm usually the biggest in the group and this is quite depressing.
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From: Andi
Date: December 13, 2010 12:28pm
To: Rae
Subject: Re: Christmas
You are missing out on the real issue with Charlee. We don’t need to make her lashes bigger, cause they are just fine. She just needs to think they are bigger.
MOM
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From: Rae
Date: December 12, 2010 12:41pm
To: Andi
Subject: Re: Christmas
I agree that Charlee's eyelashes are just fine. What we should really do is superglue some freakishly long, creepy lashes to her eyelids so that when she wakes up she'll look like a tarantula and then she'll be sorry she ever wanted longer lashes and learn to be happy with what she has.
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