Santa Will Bust a Cap in Yo Ass *UPDATED

Look out folks.  Santa is on a tirade and we're all gonna die.  Do you see what happens when we give someone a GUN?  Guns kill people.  People don't kill people.  Crazed whack-job psycho people do not kill people.  Guns do.  And now we're all screwed.  Santa has had a taste of the sweet satisfaction that comes from blasting a naughty child in the face.  He's on a nationwide campaign to spread evil, wrapping up firearms and distributing them to your children under the tree.

I feel like this could be a really useful parenting tool.  "Kids, if you don't behave, Santa's gonna fill you full of lead."




I know when I was a child and I saw people on TV with guns, I thought it must be ok because TV and John Wayne said so.  I begged my mom for a weapon for weeks prior to Christmas and she bought me one because she thought it would be ok since she once saw a picture of a person with a gun and they were smiling.  Which means guns make people happy.  My mom has always wanted me to be happy, so she gave me the gun and wouldn't you know, three days later, I accidentally shot the eyeball out of my favorite kitten.  If only we hadn't seen a person with a gun once, we wouldn't have been in that mess at all. 

I once saw a life-sized, gun shaped tequila bottle in the liquor store and thought to myself how wrong it was to store alcohol inside weapon-shaped vessels because college students might think it was ok to drink their body shots from the barrell of a shotgun, which could result in accidentally blowing away your self or your friends during tequila night.  If only I'd had the foresight to get in touch with the local media station, I may have succeeded in getting the gun-shaped bottled recalled to prevent future stupidity injury.  Luckily, we have wonderful, concerned citizens like Monica Silva Anonymous to make sure things like this don't happen.

Incidentally, this same lady once got really sick and in a fever-induced delirium found Mother Teresa in a block of cheddar cheese as she stood in front of the refrigerator trying to cool down.  She lobbied hard to get the cheese blessed by the pope and put on display for all the country's children to see so that they could be inspired to spend their time looking for religious icons in dairy products instead of dressing up as a cowboy like Santa and shooting people.

*I wish I was making up that cheese thing, but I wasn't.  If you don't believe me, you can read this article.

UPDATE:  Just to further prove how serious this Mother Teresa Cheese thing is, I provide you this picture.  If this isn't clear cut evidence that Cheeses Christ put his hand upon that cheddar, I don't know what would be.  Seriously people.